H. Seitz
November 25, 2019
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, Avatar, Baby Yoda, Bob Seger, Disney World, Dr. Jekyll, Draco, Elsa, Ewan McGregor, Fox, Frozen, Hillary Clinton, Home Depot, James Bond, Jesus, Marvel, Michael Epstein, Mickey Mouse, Moana, Mr. Hyde, Obi Wan Kenobi, Pornhub, Reptilian, Robert Allen Iger, Satan, Star Wars, Terminator Dark Fate, The Mandalorian, Walt Disney
Dear Jesus and Satan, You’d think that owning everything would be great, but it’s actually extremely stressful. I like to revel in the failure of others just like everybody else, but now, there are no others. Take Terminator Dark Fate. It turns out that Disney somehow owns this piece of crap and it’s got me hella worried about the five Avatar movies we’re making. Jesus Christ, did we have to go ahead and make five of them? We’ve already spent something like a billion dollars and I have no idea what they’re even about. I think they’re about blue panthers or something? God this is bad. We own Star Wars, Marvel, Fox, and all this other crap, but are people even going to the movies anymore? I just don’t see millions of people shelling out $25 to go see Avatar 4. The merch is still solid (thank God) and Baby…
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H. Seitz
September 30, 2019
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlize Theron, Greta Garbo, Greta Thunberg, Jesus, Satan, Swedish Bikini Team, The Devil
Dear DA, People are calling me a privileged, brainwashed, hypocrite who’s not as sciency as she pretends to be because of my irrational opposition to nuclear power. It really is kind of ridiculous when you think about it. We’ve had this safe, clean, almost magical source of power since like forever and we’d rather go back to windmills because we’re idiots. I’m also a vegan, which automatically makes me even more annoying. Yes, I’m a privileged hypocrite, and like most teenagers, I’m dramatic, idealistic, and you just want to slap me and I probably deserve it. But since I have this privilege, shouldn’t I use it? Anthropogenic climate change is a real problem and most adults don’t care because they figure they’ll be dead by then anyway or have their souls uploaded into the cloud and then downloaded back into Japanese sex robots. My generation is going to have to…
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H. Seitz
September 23, 2019
Divine Advice
Aflac, Batman, Ben Affleck, Boston Tea Party, Derek Jeter, Dr. Strange, Dwayne Johnson, James Bond, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, Robert Pattinson, Satan, Spiderman, The Rock, Twilight, Vision
Dear DA, The Rock wants to beat me up, and it’s not like I’m afraid of him or anything, but you’ve got to help me. The truth is, I could totally kick his ass, but I can’t risk using my karate on him. I’m actually a double black belt, so I’m not even really allowed to fight him. The whole thing started because of Derek Jeter. I was on the ESPYs with him and he was taller than me, and that’s a problem. First of all, it’s rude. Doesn’t that guy have enough already? Secondly, I’ve kind of been lying about my height. I’m already tall, but everyone lies, so everyone else has to lie or it doesn’t make any sense. If I’m supposedly 6’4” and Jeter is 6’3” and he’s taller than me, the entire facade begins to crumble. I tried to talk some sense into him and out…
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H. Seitz
September 2, 2019
Divine Advice
abortion, Anakin Skywalker, Ben Kenobi, Boba Fett, Darth Vader, Disney, Ewan McGregor, Ewoks, Force Ghost, Hayden Christensen, Jar Jar Binks, Jedi, Jesus, Kevin James, King of Queens, Leah Remini, Luke, Mickey Mouse, Natalie Portman, Obi Wan Kenobi, Padme, Satan, Sir Alec Guinness, Slave Leia, Star Wars, Tatooine
Dear DA, I’m writing in as Ben Kenobi because this question pertains to the time I spent as Ben Kenobi. You might have noticed that Tatooine doesn’t have much of a need for skilled laborers aside from mechanics or computer techs (damn droids/immigrants), and aside from sword fighting, which would be too suspicious, and being really bad at diplomacy, which actually helps you to be a successful diplomat (if you can never solve any problems, there’s your job security right there—unless of course, a war breaks out, which they inevitably do), I have no marketable skills. Or at least that’s what I thought. There are slaves on Tatooine and other problems, and like most places, you need someone to solve those problems, illegally or not. As I can feel the Force flowing through all living things, I made an incredibly good exterminator. There wasn’t much prestige in that, but I…
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H. Seitz
July 8, 2019
Divine Advice
Bizarro, Charles Bronson, Charlize Theron, Chronicles of Riddick, Dame Judy Dench, Dominic Torreto, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Groot, Jesus, Mark Sinclair, Paul Vincent Sinclair, Pitch Black, Satan, Superman, The Fast and the Furious, Vin Diesel
Dear DA, I try to keep it a secret, but I have a creepy, unfamous twin brother and he’s jealous as hell. How would you feel if there was a guy who looked exactly like you, except handsome, muscular, rich, and famous? You’re in your basement apartment with your normal wife, stuck living life with all the other norms, while your superstud brother is out there making love to The Rock and Charlize Theron. I feel sorry for the guy, it’s gotta be tough being the “other” twin, but this time, he’s gone too far. Last night he slipped in the shower and hit his head and now he thinks he’s Dominic Torreto, the guy I play in The Fast and Furious cinematic universe. He made love to The Rock and let The Rock be on top. Vin Diesel is always the top. I swear to God I could kill…
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H. Seitz
July 1, 2019
Divine Advice
Andrew Yang, Bernie Sanders, Democrat, DNC, Donald Trump, Fox News, Freedom Dividend, Jesus, Jill Stein, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Marianne Williamson, MSNBC, NBC, Pete Buttigieg, Satan, The Devil, Yang Gang
Dear DA, I’m one of the 47 Democrats running for president, the Asian one named Yang. Not that one, the other Asian. The one who’s trying to bribe everyone into voting for me. One grand a month free and easy, yo, from the Yang Dog. That’s what they used to call me in my hood in Schenectady. It’s a little town in Upstate NY. There’s a rose garden and an old-timey movie theater and absolutely nothing else. That’s why I had to choose the thug life. To get some respect, yo. First, I have a confession to make. No one really used to call me the Yang Dog. I just made that up. I’m not even sure why. I thought it would make me sound cool. If you just add “Dog” to the end of your name, you’re cool. At least most of the time. I thought it would work…
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H. Seitz
June 24, 2019
Divine Advice
Armageddon, Baskin Robbins, Batman and Robin, Ben and Jerry's, Breyers, Friendly's, George Clooney, Golden Buffet, Jesus, Joel Schumacher, L. Ron Hubbard, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Reese's Pieces, Satan, Scientologists, Stone Cold Creamery, The Iceman, Tom Cruise, Top Gun, Val Kilmer, Xenu
Dear Divine Advice, Eventually, we all become whatever Tom wants us to be. This Top Gun reboot or sequel or whatever it is is either going to kill me or save my life. Tom demands that I get back in shape, and not just decent shape for a guy my age shape, Ice Man shape. Ice Man had glutes on top of his glutes and an extra set of shoulders instead of a neck, he could walk around in nothing but a skimpy bath towel and still be intimidating. The only thing afraid of me now is the sundae bar at Friendly’s. They should make a restaurant with an all-you-can-eat buffet and a sundae bar. Have you ever had a hot fudge sundae topped with mini egg rolls and duck sauce? The Golden Buffet has their “endless” chocolate fountain, but that’s a joke. How is five gallons “endless”? I figure…
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H. Seitz
June 17, 2019
Divine Advice
10 Cloverfield Lane, Batman, Bruce Willis, Cannon Ball Run, Carrot Top, Dom DeLuise, Jesus, John Hodgman, Justin Bieber, Justin Long, Justin Thureaux, Justin Timberlake, Kirk Cameron, Live Free or Die Hard, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Robert Pattinson, Robin Hood Men in Tights, Satan, The Oliver Garden, Wolverine
Dear DA, What happened to me? For awhile, I was everywhere. Nobody really wanted to see me, but there I was. I was even in a Die Hard movie. Live Free or Die Hard. What the hell happened? Mary Elizabeth Winstead was in Live Free or Die Hard, too. She played Bruce Willis’s daughter. I could have had her, but I didn’t think she was famous enough for me. How the hell could I have been so stupid? She’s the kind of girl you marry no matter what. You know she’s going to ruin your life, but it’s worth it. Have you seen what she looks like in her panties? You get to see her in her panties in 10 Cloverfield Lane. It’s a terrible movie, but it has Mary Elizabeth Winstead in her panties. I bet you’re googling her right now. Now you’re typing “panties” after her name and…
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H. Seitz
June 3, 2019
Divine Advice
Albert Einstein, Anton LaVey, Betty White, Bram Stoker, Cheerios, David Hasselhoff, J.K. Rowling, Jason Momoa, Jean Grey, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Jon Bon Jovi, Lady Gaga, Magneto, Micro Machines, Passion story, Plastic Man, Reader's Digest, Rocky, Satan, Shakespeare, Storm, Sylvester Stallone, Terry Bradshaw, Thanos, The Satanic Bible, Thor
Dear DA, Have you seen my new commercial ? It’s for a bathtub that has a door in the side like a submarine so you can waltz right in like a sea captain, and there’s a built in chair and a cup holder, too! The thing is amazing, and it isn’t just for old people. If you’re obese, paraplegic, or just good old-fashioned lazy, it’s the tub for you. I like to soak in there with the latest issue of the Reader’s Digest. The quotable quotes are my favorite. It’s like a paper version of a listicle. Here’s one from bestselling author J.K. Rowling. Anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve. Well I’ll be a mutherfucker. If only I had known. And check this one out from hard rocker Jon Bon Jovi. Success is falling nine times and getting up ten. That’s good enough to be in a Rocky…
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H. Seitz
April 21, 2019
Divine Advice
Bishop Baker, Dante, Emperor Palpatine, Evangelicals, frankensteins, Inferno, Jesus, Judge Dredd, lady draculas, Mother Teresa, Pope Francis, Satan
Dear DA, It’s me, Pope Francis, your infallible representative here on earth. I think it’s safe to say I’m the best Pope ever, or at the very least the second best, right behind the Beatle Pope of the 80s, Pope John Paul Ringo II. What a Pope! Anyway, down to brass tacks. We all know that women can’t be priests. The church has spoken. It’s kind of strange for me to base my answer on what the church says, since I am the church! I love screaming that line at people. It’s like Emperor Palpatine sneering “I am the senate!” or Judge Dredd growling “I am the law!” That’s kind of how I see myself, like a combination of Emperor Palpatine and Judge Dredd. I pull all the strings, and am judge, jury, and executioner all in one. Priests can be married, but Bishops must remain celibate. Why? Because I…
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