Tag Archive: Joe Biden

Divine Advice for Bill Gates 2

Dear Divine Advice, People in the media have been giving me the business because of my supposed “relationship” with Jeffrey Epstein. The truth is, I barely knew the guy. Did he advise me to leave my battle-ax bitch of a wife? Yes, but it was more or less the same kind of advice you get from a bartender or stranger on a plane, and when he offered to console me with underaged prostitutes, I said absolutely not—at least not until my divorce was finalized. That woman took enough of my money as it was, and the last thing I needed was to be sued for violating the infidelity clause of our prenup. Of course, the main reason for my association with Epstein is that he was donating generously to the Bill Gates Foundation. I’m the second richest man in the world, so why did I need Epstein’s money? That’s a…
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Divine Advice for Nicki Minaj

Dear Divine Advice, As you know, my cousin’s friend’s uncle’s other nephew in Trinidad took the COVID-19 vaccine and got swollen testicles which made him impotent. I don’t currently have testicles, but I assume the vaccine will cause me to grow them, and that’s exactly the kind of side effect I’m worried about. Say what you will about ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine, but at least they don’t give you unwanted ballz that don’t even work. I’m afraid our country is becoming like China or Nazi Germany, where famous people aren’t allowed to go on Twitter and ask stupid, uninformed questions that lead to millions of their followers making equally stupid and uninformed decisions, which will exasperate the spread of an infectious disease and lead to hundreds of thousands of deaths. I never told anyone not to take the vaccine, I just told them to do their own research and to pray…
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Divine Advice For Vladimir Putin 2

Dear Icons of Christian Mythology, As the superior man on Earth, I don’t need advice from 2,000-year-old fictional characters but am curious what you think of threats made by American President Joe Biden. He blame Mother Russia for something called “ransomware,” which hurt American economy and cause high beef price. I tell you what I tell him: Mother Russia is not hacking American computers, so it must be the gays from American cities causing the problems. Is always the gays. America always brag because it beat Mother Russia in one little hockey game at 1980 Olympics and one measly cold war in 1989, but Mother Russia still have billions of nuclear missiles which we will gladly trade to Taliban for fancy afghan rugs and maybe some oil. American gays cry because I help Donald Trump become president, but that was five years ago. Controlling American politics is boring now. Now…
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Divine Advice For Joe Biden 3

Dear DA, Am I the President now? I think I am, but there’s this little brown woman–excuse me–woman of color who keeps bossing me around, so maybe I’m the Vice President? The woman (whoever she is) is kind of annoying, but honestly, I’m grateful. I almost went out to swear on that bible thingy without my pants on. She really let me have it for that, and I’m glad she got me to put on pants, but is it really that big of a deal? Who wears pants nowadays? I’m going to dress up to just sit in the garage and build birdhouses? That seems ridiculous to me. The people around me keep saying I’m supposed to unite America but never tell me how. How the hell is one man supposed to unite this shithole country? You give these people masks ,and they riot. You try to give them healthcare,…
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Divine Advice For Ivanka Trump 3

Hi Guys, Do you remember me? The “smart” one? This is purely a hypothetical question, but what exactly is the difference between sedition and treason, and is it true that America still hangs people? Jesus Christ this country is absolutely nuts. Let’s say a certain President’s daughter (probably Tiffany) helped to expedite shady dealings on behalf of her mentally ill husband—I mean father. Would that daughter be better off throwing Tiffany and her father under the bus? And why does everyone like Rachel Maddow more than me? I used to be able to dunk a tennis ball, too. I bet I could still do it now, but for a woman like me who actually has breasts, it just wouldn’t be ladylike. Sincerely, Ivanka Trump President 2024 Dear Ivanka, I don’t know that I’d go so far as to call you the “smart” one, but you do seem to be better…
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Divine Advice For Baby New Year 2021

Original graphic by Dixie Allan

Dear Divine Advice, Talk about pressure. I’m barely a day old and all anyone is talking about is what a dumpster fire 2020 was and how 2021 has to be so much better. Well I’ve got news for everyone. The date changing on the calendar doesn’t magically wash away all of last year’s problems. Sure, we have a COVID vaccine and a new president, but the government overall is just as dysfunctional as it was before and people are just as stupid. That means the distribution of the vaccine is going to be slow, and since the country is so divided, you have a bunch of idiots who don’t want to take it anyway. Pile on the fact that the economy is still shut down and will be for many more months, and you’re looking at a Baby New Year who’s likely to follow in his father’s footsteps. I can’t…
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Divine Advice For Joe Biden 3

Dear DA, As promised, I will speak to all Americans, especially those who didn’t vote for me, and I’m going to start right now. I know that Trump’s election had nothing to do with racism (LMAO), but look on the bright side. For the next four years, you can bash Kamala Harris as much you want, for whatever reason. Most of you won’t say the “N” word at least not in public, but we all know you’re thinking it, and I’m not even sure she’s black. All I know is that she isn’t white, and from what I can tell, that’s good enough for you. Just wait another eight years until AOC is president. She’ll give you healthcare and income equality, or at least she’ll try, but you’ll want to murder her because she’s Mexican. Or Guatemalan? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. We’re back to the status quo bitches! I got…
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Divine Advice For Kamala Harris 2

Dear DA, Am I seeing and hearing what everyone else is seeing and hearing? What the hell is wrong with this country? Trump gets asked about white nationalists, he tells them to standby, and 40 million Americans still want to vote for him? If Ronald Regan had pulled that shit he would have been out, and that was 40 years ago. I’m not some spring chicken, I’ve been around the block, and I seem to remember a lot of this shit, like the propaganda on FOX News, literally being illegal when I was a kid. But oh no no. We geniuses in congress figured that the American people were stupid, but not that stupid, so why keep a law that’s no longer necessary? We never stopped to consider that maybe this law seemed unnecessary because it was working. It’s like throwing away your fire extinguishers because your house hasn’t been…
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Divine Advice For Kamala Harris

Dear DA, Remember when I was a contender? I was actually polling well until the billionaires told me to can the progressive bullshit. So I started talking about banning Trump from Twitter and my numbers plummeted, but it looks like I’m about to luck my way into becoming VP anyway. It might actually be better this way, now that corporate America knows that I can be “reasonable.” The bar is so low at this point that Biden and I will be an improvement no matter what, but what worries me is that “returning to normalcy” just isn’t going to cut it. This is a strange time politically. Being a rich white man helps, but so does being a black woman, as long as there’s some sort of balance. As far as being capable or qualified, that barely matters at all. What’s most important at this point is what you don’t…
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Divine Advice For Joe Biden 2

Original photo by David Lienemann

Dear DA, When I was 14, I lost a game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a chicken, and as humiliating as it was, it was the reality check I needed. If only Trump had had a pet chicken during his formative years, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess, but I hear he’s terrified of birds. Hates them with a passion unless they’re in McNugget form. As dumb as I am, I just can’t deny reality. Reality, in my opinion, is more than hard enough, even if you’re trying to pay attention to it. But there are smart people out there. Did you know that if you concentrate hard enough, you can always force a tie at Tic-Tac-Toe? I can’t do it myself, but one of the generals told me, and then he showed me how! I forgot immediately, but I remember him doing it, and just because I can’t do it…
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