Divine Advice for Nicki Minaj

RK Galaga September 20, 2021 0 Divine Advice Anthony Fauci, hydroxychloroquine, ivermectin, Joe Biden, Joy Reid, Met Gala, Nicki Minaj, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Sleepy Joe, Tucker Carlson

Original photo by Pure DOPE Magazine (cropped)

Dear Divine Advice, As you know, my cousin’s friend’s uncle’s other nephew in Trinidad took the COVID-19 vaccine and got swollen testicles which made him impotent. I don’t currently have testicles, but I assume the vaccine will cause me to grow them, and that’s exactly the kind of side effect I’m worried about. Say what you will about ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine, but at least they don’t give you unwanted ballz that don’t even work. I’m afraid our country is becoming like China or Nazi Germany, where famous people aren’t allowed to go on Twitter and ask stupid, uninformed questions that lead to millions of their followers making equally stupid and uninformed decisions, which will exasperate the spread of an infectious disease and lead to hundreds of thousands of deaths. I never told anyone not to take the vaccine, I just told them to do their own research and to pray…
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Superhunks for the 80’s: Tom Cruise

H. Seitz December 6, 2018 0 Lifestyles Alfred E. Newman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Born on the Fourth of July, Bridget Nielsen, Burt Reynolds, Cocktail, Days of Thunder, Far and Away, Frankenstein, Interview With a Vampire, Jackie Chan, Jerry MaGuire, Johnny Depp, Katie Holmes, Quaker Oats, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Rochard Grieco, Rocky, Scientology, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Sylvester Stallone, The Outsiders, Tom Cruise, Tom Selleck, Top Gun, Tropic Thunder, Wilford Brimley

Hunks come and hunks go, and all too many try to stick around long after their 15 minutes are up and their pecs are down. But some, like Schwarzenegger and Stallone, manage to defy father time and mother nature just enough to keep filling up the theaters. Old, broken down, and in some cases, downright creepy (Stallone’s strange hairline and old man muscle in Rocky 6 made him look like a Frankenstein’s monster of tucks and toupees from the 80s), they still have that special something that separates them from the pack. So it isn’t just the oil and the muscles, and it’s more than just a steamy stare. The material certainly helps, but there’s more to it than just that, as the wrong stud could turn a classic into a joke. Could you imagine Raiders of the Lost Ark starring Tom Selleck? Or Rocky starring Burt Reynolds? There’s a…
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Divine Advice For Steven Spielberg

H. Seitz March 26, 2018 0 Divine Advice Apocalypse, Indiana Jones, Indy, Jump, Marion Ravenwood, Mastema, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Ready Player One, Steven Spielberg, Van Halen, Yahweh

Dear Yahweh and Mastema, This is already awkward enough for a Jew, coming to you two for help, but I didn’t know where else to turn. I’m getting on in years. Frankly, I don’t even remember how old I am. But it doesn’t really matter. I’ve lived a long, happy, blessed life. Or so I thought. Supposedly I made a robot, a cross-dressing robot, and made it touch little kids? And I filmed it? And this robot, at least in the film, had the power to make children sexually assault each other? What the hell? I look into my heart and it tells me no way, but my damn memory! And the heart wants what the heart wants. Maybe I don’t want to remember. They also said something about zombie frogs and cruelty to animals? Please tell me I didn’t do this. But if I did do it, tell me,…
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