Author Archive: H. Seitz

H. Seitz is the author of the Sci-fi novella "Iron Manimal" and a contributing writer at The Skull Island Times.

There Are Days I Will Remember

Or more accurately, days I partially remember. I can’t recall why, but I was stuck late at high school during a blizzard. By the time I left, all the busses were gone, and my usual route home, through a path across a patch of forest, was impossible. There was at least three feet of snow on the ground. My only choice was to take the driveway out of the school and use the roads, which were being plowed and salted hourly. It added about a mile to my trip, but I figured it was easier than trudging through the snow. It was a bad decision, but I’ll never know if it was the wrong or worse one. The road was covered in slush and cars kept splattering me. Within minutes, I was drenched from head to toe and freezing. About halfway home, I reached a Burger King and stopped to…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Brian Kemp

Dear DA, I can’t be 100% honest with the lamestream media, but I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t want Black people, Mexicans, or Asians voting, citizens or not. This country has been going downhill ever since the 19th Amendment. We gave women the right to vote and BAM! Ten years later, the Great Depression, then WW2. We let these “people of color” vote, we’re just asking for WW3, and the economy is already tanking. Now I appreciate ladies and Blacks just as much as anyone, but there’s a time and place for everything. For women, that’s barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, and for Black people, it’s on the basketball court, the football field, the baseball diamond, stand up comedy, boxing, running, and really just about everything, but not voting. For rich Black men who are Republicans and own land, we should officially just declare…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Marjorie Taylor Greene 2

Photo credit: marjorietaylorgreene.com

Dear DA, I know a lot of people are trying to cancel me right now, but aren’t we all forgetting about the most fundamental American rights we have? We each have the right to be stupid, hateful, bigoted buffoons. This is what made America great, and what will make America great again. You can’t cancel someone for being a wall-eyed moron. You’d have to cancel over half of the people on earth. What the libtards call bigotry I call loyalty to my people, the real Americans who are white, go to church, and repress their homosexual urges. The way I was raised, if you were born an asymmetrical doofus, you learned to live with it. You didn’t try to do a bunch of fancy book learning just so you could use a slightly cleaner bathroom. I know Jesus has got my warped back on this one. So thank you in…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For COVID-19

Dear DA, Why did you create me? Did you set everything in motion with the big bang, and then just sit back as everything unfolded, or are you actively involved in everything? Assuming you did actively create me, I think you might have made a terrible mistake. I’m just going to keep mutating and getting worse forever. There are already at least 14 different new strains of me, but I guess calling me COVID-33 now would be just too depressing, and we’ll get there soon enough anyway. I understand that there are just too many damn people, but you’ve basically turned the entire world into purgatory. The guy I’m infecting now, the poor bastard hasn’t really left his apartment in a year. He hasn’t kissed a girl in at least a year (but I’m guessing it’s probably been much longer–not everything is my fault). He just mopes around all day,…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Rush Limbaugh

Dear DA, I get the feeling that I’m dead, and that I’m probably in hell. There are Black people everywhere, and lesbians and they’re all such feminazis. Basically, the lesbians refuse to let me grope them. Also, no Fox News. Wtf? For supposedly old Testament types, you guys really are a bunch of liberal snowflakes. And on my desk every morning, there are reams of “research” about Anthropogenic Climate Change. It can’t possibly be true, but you guys are starting to brainwash me. If this “research” were real, there would be no way that any sane person could possibly deny it. Or is it just that no one is reading it? I know I didn’t. You have to admit, the shit is pretty boring. It lacks the visceral and emotional punch of Fox News. If I’m not enraged, it means someone isn’t doing their job. Also, didn’t I trade my…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Joe Biden 3

Dear DA, Am I the President now? I think I am, but there’s this little brown woman–excuse me–woman of color who keeps bossing me around, so maybe I’m the Vice President? The woman (whoever she is) is kind of annoying, but honestly, I’m grateful. I almost went out to swear on that bible thingy without my pants on. She really let me have it for that, and I’m glad she got me to put on pants, but is it really that big of a deal? Who wears pants nowadays? I’m going to dress up to just sit in the garage and build birdhouses? That seems ridiculous to me. The people around me keep saying I’m supposed to unite America but never tell me how. How the hell is one man supposed to unite this shithole country? You give these people masks ,and they riot. You try to give them healthcare,…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Tina Fey

Dear DA, This pandemic has been rough on everyone, and I know that I’ve had it relatively easy with my mansions and wealth and indoor Rascal scooters. This is actually a part of the problem. I’ve gained a little weight over the winter, which is normal, especially during a year like this, but by a little I mean 150 lbs. I knew I was eating more than usual, and mainly comfort food like ice cream and pork rinds. Honestly, I’ve been topping the ice cream with pork rinds that I refry in butter. I know it sounds disgusting, and it is, but it’s the kind of thing you hate yourself for eating, which makes you want to eat it even more. There’s also my cheese problem. I can’t stop eating cheese. I keep a chunk on my nightstand. Gnawing on it is the last thing I do before sleeping and…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Ivanka Trump 3

Hi Guys, Do you remember me? The “smart” one? This is purely a hypothetical question, but what exactly is the difference between sedition and treason, and is it true that America still hangs people? Jesus Christ this country is absolutely nuts. Let’s say a certain President’s daughter (probably Tiffany) helped to expedite shady dealings on behalf of her mentally ill husband—I mean father. Would that daughter be better off throwing Tiffany and her father under the bus? And why does everyone like Rachel Maddow more than me? I used to be able to dunk a tennis ball, too. I bet I could still do it now, but for a woman like me who actually has breasts, it just wouldn’t be ladylike. Sincerely, Ivanka Trump President 2024 Dear Ivanka, I don’t know that I’d go so far as to call you the “smart” one, but you do seem to be better…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Andrew Cuomo 2

Dear DA, I don’t want to be President anymore. I don’t even want to be Governor anymore. As the Governor of NY, I’m one of the only Governors anyone has ever heard of. Many people in the smaller states don’t even know who their Governor is. I actually had people calling me from Nashville, demanding that I find whoever blew up that RV and hang him. (All gender and racial equality aside, it was definitely a white guy. It always is.) One of them said that as Chancellor, it was my duty to personally hunt this maniac down and bring him to justice. I can’t help feeling that most Americans have a fundamentally flawed concept of how our government is supposed to work. Trump is, to put it diplomatically, unreliable, and while Joe will be better, the guy is 100 years old. You ever live in NY? The city? I…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Mr. T

Dear DA, What the hell is wrong with my Pornhub? Almost everything I bookmarked is gone, and people are saying this shit is permanent? Now I’m back on xvideo and YouTube, but it just ain’t the same. Who’s responsible for this? Because I’m going to find the sucker and punch him so hard he wakes up a fetus back inside his mama’s womb, afraid to come out for another whoppin’. I can be a reasonable man, despite all the bullshit I’ve had to live through. You ever have Nancy Reagan sit on your lap? It feels like two ostriches are stabbing into your thighs with their beaks. Give me back my damn Pornhub! Sincerely, Mr. T Dear Mr. T, Your problem is a little hard for me to relate to since, as God, the whole world is my “Pornhub.” My Holy x-ray vision can see into every bedroom, parked car,…
Read more

Share this post: