Satirical Musings, Reviews and Short Fiction

Divine Advice for Evander Kane

Dear Divine Advice, As one of the only black hockey players in the world, I’m kind of like a four-leaf clover, except I don’t bring good luck. Recently, I was given a 21-game suspension for submitting a fake COVID vaccination card, which is super embarrassing, because Canadians are supposed to be more sensable than our hot-headed American neighbors. Like a true Canadian, I apologized profusely once I got caught, but the guilt will haunt me forever. We don’t have guns up here, so walking around unvaccinated is the most dangerous thing you can possibly do in our society. Rules exist for a reason, and by subverting my employer’s health protocol in such an underhanded way, I’ve brought shame to my entire country. My suspension is little more than a slap on the wrist, and I fear a harsher punishment awaits me in the afterlife. Is there anything I can do…
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Divine Advice for Kyrie Irving

Dear DA, You know that show Bridezillas? Think of me as the bride. Sure I got the fancy wedding and everyone put up with my crazy bullshit, but was it perfect? Was it? These moments don’t come around often, so when they do, it’s got to be all about me. With me, KD, and James Harden, the Nets got a real shot at a chip. The only problem is that NY requires people to be vaccinated if they want to eat in strip clubs or go to enormous sports arenas, even superstar athletes like me. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m not getting that fucking vaccine for anyone. Assuming the Nets keep me, I stand to lose $17 million, a shot at a championship, and the chance to infect players, strippers, coaches, physical trainers, medical staff, reporters, vendors, more strippers, janitors, and fans from all over the country,…
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Divine Advice for Buzz Aldrin

Dear DA, I’m writing this letter on behalf of David Scott (Apollo 15), Charles Duke (Apollo 16), and Harrison Schmitt (Apollo 17). All of us have been on the moon and we’re all still alive thanks to moon radiation, but Dave, Charlie, and Harry are well aware that the young people today are more concerned with their Miley Cyrus and Pokemon–whatever the hell those words mean–than men who have actually set foot on the fucking moon. Before we go, we wanted to set a few things straight for that weaselly Elon Musk fellow. The guy sounds like he was squirted out of a moose pimple and some idiot named it. Maybe he would have made it as an astronaut if not for his caved-in chest and his rickets, but I doubt it. Back in my day, people had the sense to know that just because a feller was rich didn’t…
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Divine Advice for Amanda Knox

Dear DA, There’s still a lot of controversy between who’s hotter, me or Casey Anthony? Without makeup, I win hands-down, and Casey Anthony has a strange giant forehead and lives in Florida, so that should automatically disqualify her from hotness, voting, or playing chess by default. The sun down there is murder on your skin, so she probably looks even worse than she used to. Like everyone else in their right mind, I think Casey did it. She looks nuts, with her wandering eyes and bulging cranium. I look colder and more calculating, but I’m also the kind of girl you’d take home to your parents. I speak properly, don’t dress like a tramp (cough-Casey Anthony-cough), and I’ve kept it high and tight, which is why I got a Netflix special. Meanwhile, Casey is out pretending to be a PI and probably searching for the “real killer” OJ style. How…
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Divine Advice for Bill Gates 2

Dear Divine Advice, People in the media have been giving me the business because of my supposed “relationship” with Jeffrey Epstein. The truth is, I barely knew the guy. Did he advise me to leave my battle-ax bitch of a wife? Yes, but it was more or less the same kind of advice you get from a bartender or stranger on a plane, and when he offered to console me with underaged prostitutes, I said absolutely not—at least not until my divorce was finalized. That woman took enough of my money as it was, and the last thing I needed was to be sued for violating the infidelity clause of our prenup. Of course, the main reason for my association with Epstein is that he was donating generously to the Bill Gates Foundation. I’m the second richest man in the world, so why did I need Epstein’s money? That’s a…
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Divine Advice for Nicki Minaj

Dear Divine Advice, As you know, my cousin’s friend’s uncle’s other nephew in Trinidad took the COVID-19 vaccine and got swollen testicles which made him impotent. I don’t currently have testicles, but I assume the vaccine will cause me to grow them, and that’s exactly the kind of side effect I’m worried about. Say what you will about ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine, but at least they don’t give you unwanted ballz that don’t even work. I’m afraid our country is becoming like China or Nazi Germany, where famous people aren’t allowed to go on Twitter and ask stupid, uninformed questions that lead to millions of their followers making equally stupid and uninformed decisions, which will exasperate the spread of an infectious disease and lead to hundreds of thousands of deaths. I never told anyone not to take the vaccine, I just told them to do their own research and to pray…
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Divine Advice for Ben Shapiro 2

Dear DA, I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you! It’s recently come out that I’m only five feet tall. You’d probably think I was kidding, but you made me. Being a man this short is worse than the Holocaust. The last time I went out jogging alone, a cop stuck me on a school bus and the kids beat me up. Whenever I try to buy beer, the shopkeepers just laugh at me. I am 37 years old! A grown man, a big boy! Even with lifts, I top out at 5’3”. Maybe I went too far claiming I was 5’9”, but people lie about their height all the time, and if you’re going to tell a lie, go big or go home. My wife was carrying me home from Sabbath last weekend (my little legs get tired) and told me not to worry about…
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Divine Advice for Peter Cetera

Dear DA, In the summer of 86, The Karate Kid 2 was tearing up theaters, thanks in large part to my hit single The Glory of Love.  Now that those guys are making money again on Netflix, do you think they called up good old Peter Cetera? “Hey Pete, how’s it been going the last 30 plus years?” Of course they didn’t. They brought back just about everyone else who’s still alive, but for Peter Cetera, crickets. They told me my songs were too linked with the 80s–that modern audiences just wouldn’t relate to them other than ironically. That’s when I punched Ralph Macchio in the face and told him–to quote one of his Karate Kid villains-—”Your karate is a joke!” If you watch the first one, you’ll notice they skip over his fight with Dutch in the tournament as quickly as possible because no one would believe it. The other…
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Divine Advice for Gavin Newsom

Dear Divine Advice, Apparently, there’s a law in California where the 20 or 30 dumbest assholes in the state can get together on a whim and decide to remove the Governor for, really, any ridiculous reason at all. In this case, it’s because they don’t feel like following public health guidelines that have been gently enforced to keep Californians safe during a deadly pandemic. Remember watching Arnold Schwarzenegger hang out in an opium den with Steve Coogan and Jackie Chan in that shitty Around the World in 80 Days movie and thinking “damn, that meathead is the Governor of California?” Well, that’s about to happen again, only it’s going to be a lot worse this time. At least Arnold wasn’t a QAnon nutjob. Larry Elder, the asshat leading in the poles to replace me, is basically Black Alex Jones. A Democrat as handsome and charming as I am shouldn’t be…
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Divine Advice For AOC 4

Dear DA, Remember Marjorie Taylor Greene yelling at me as she followed me down the hallway? I had tried to bond with her as a woman by talking about The Handmaid’s Tale. Surprise, surprise, she had never read it. She even chastised me for reading anything other than the holy scriptures. I asked her if she read the bills presented before congress and she looked at me like she was baffled. But she had seen the show, and she thought it was real–like it was actually happening in America. At this point, who knows? Maybe she’s right. Still, she shook her head, and I thought we had finally found some common ground. In case you don’t know, the book and the show are about a government of religious zealots who oppress women through constant abuse, defilement, and rape. Marjorie told me she liked the show, but that the government of…
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