Satirical Musings, Reviews and Short Fiction

Divine Advice For Pope Francis

Dear DA, It’s me, Pope Francis, your infallible representative here on earth. I think it’s safe to say I’m the best Pope ever, or at the very least the second best, right behind the Beatle Pope of the 80s, Pope John Paul Ringo II. What a Pope! Anyway, down to brass tacks. We all know that women can’t be priests. The church has spoken. It’s kind of strange for me to base my answer on what the church says, since I am the church! I love screaming that line at people. It’s like Emperor Palpatine sneering “I am the senate!” or Judge Dredd growling “I am the law!” That’s kind of how I see myself, like a combination of Emperor Palpatine and Judge Dredd. I pull all the strings, and am judge, jury, and executioner all in one. Priests can be married, but Bishops must remain celibate. Why? Because I…
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Divine Advice For Chris Davis

Dear DA, I play Major League Baseball for the Baltimore Orioles, so you’ve probably never heard of me, and if you have, well, it’s probably because I kind of stink lately. I’m in an 0 for 53 slump, which is historically bad. Like literally historically the worst ever except for pitchers, but pitchers aren’t really people. They’re actually more like fascists or monsters, unholy sub-human monsters who keep throwing baseballs at me really hard, and I can’t hit them. I’m powerless to hit them. They won’t bench me because they’re paying me too much. It’s great having all that money, but I really wish they’d just bench me. The best part of playing baseball is all the sitting involved. This is why I chose baseball over more demanding sports like ping pong or dominos. I really need some help, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. My soul, my…
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Divine Advice For Ivanka Trump

Dear DA, This scandal with rich actors buying their kids’ ways into college, I think it’s just shameful. The thought of these kids getting into schools they don’t deserve to, and then getting better jobs they don’t deserve afterwards, and then doing the same for their kids, and on and on it goes, from one spoiled generation to the next, each one more out of touch with reality than the last, protected from the “normals” by the gilded walls of their gated communities, it just makes me want to spit venom with rage. The people I feel most sorry for are the children. How will these kids ever know if they earned anything based on their own merit, or whether daddy or mommy just greased the wheels for them? As the smoking hot daughter of a billionaire, I know I earned everything the hard way, through good old-fashioned grit and…
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Divine Advice For Aaron Judge

Dear DA, I’m Derek Jeter’s spiritual successor, and those are big shoes to fill. Thankfully, I’m literally a monster. I’m almost seven feet tall and weigh nearly 300 pounds, so I’m naturally calm and confident around “normals.” People say I remind them of Jeter with the way I carry myself, and they’re right. I’m a genuinely nice, decent, open guy. The problem is that I’m hungry all the time. I was signing a kid’s glove yesterday and for a split second, I had an overwhelming desire to pick him up and eat him. I talked to CC Sabathia about this, he’s a veteran and a champion and a lot of us younger guys look up to him. He’s also enormous just like me. I thought he’d be able to help me, but he has the exact same problem. He was signing some fan’s baby (some fans are weird) and told…
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Divine Advice For AOC

Dear DA, Once I again, I’m the victim of the patriarchy. It’s ageism, pure and simple. They say I’m too young and I don’t know anything, but I’ve learned a few tricks from them. You may have noticed my new “glasses girl” look. Men are all perverts. If you’re a cute girl, anything you do is a fetish. If I ate a banana, I’d be “banana girl.” As “glasses girl”, I’m a double-whammy. I look smarter, and I’m also a fetish. People are pretty stupid to begin with, but if you sexually distract them, they become dumber than marionettes. As myself, I’m already a force to be reckoned with, but as “glasses girl”, I just might be unstoppable. Also, can you believe the nerve of that bitch Laura Ingraham trying to tell me how to pronounce my own fucking name? I’m not some pretentious hipster saying “Barthelona” instead of “Barcelona”,…
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Horoscopes For 3.24.19

Aries One of your exes used to wear wigs sometimes. It seems ridiculous, but it tricks your lizard brain into thinking “new female.” You’ve probably heard about the studies showing that your brain can’t really tell the difference between porn and reality, except for porn being better in every way except for the acting. It’s true. The magic parts of your brain light up just as if you were having sex with a real person, but the “you” part of your brain gets depressed right after you cum. Adorable Aries: Saoirse Ronan Taurus The only real freedom or privacy any of us have left is between our ears, and ewww–no thank you. That stuff doesn’t belong anywhere. You wish the police could actually go in there and clean it up, but it would have to be robot police, and even then, it would be embarrassing. But take heart. Everyone has…
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Divine Advice For Democrats Running For President

Dear DA, It took us 7 hours to decide how or who to address this letter to, which is actually kind of a record for us as far as quickness and decisiveness. We wanted to be inclusive, so some of us wanted to list all the religions or deities still presiding over America, but we didn’t want to leave out the atheists or agnostics or offend anyone with the order, especially the Muslims. There’s no way to do this ecumenically and inclusively without sounding like nationalist extraterrestrials (Dear People of America), so we just copied Taylor Swift and went with Dear DA. It seems like it should be unthinkable, but the one thing we all agree on is that Trump is going to be re-elected and we’re all going to lose. Just look at us. Trump is a lousy president and an even worse human being, but he’s good at…
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Balloons

Sam had lived a cliched life from the moment he was born. He had grown up in the thick of it, at a time when the majority of Americans had learned how to live from watching television. Everyone acted like television characters–his parents, teachers, and friends when he was a kid, and his wife, bosses, and coworkers when he was older. In elementary school, his classmates would repeat the popular jokes and catchphrases of the season (life moved slower back then). Some of the kids had loved Pee Wee Herman and imitated him constantly, while others had repeated lines from Predator, Robocop, and other movies or television shows. It was as if they were rehearsing for adulthood. Crucial moments called for a certain gravity. Someone had once said that all of life is a stage. Maybe Shakespeare. Maybe no one. Who knows? No one knew anything anymore, except about television…
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Divine Advice For Barron Trump

Dear DA, Things have been very difficult and strange for me lately. I’m in my awkward early teen years. I’ve grown two feet in the last year and the doctors think I’ll end up at 7’1”, which would be really awkward. I feel weird enough as it is. I talk to mom in Slovene, so we can talk about stuff the rest of the family won’t understand. She tells me stuff about the rest of my family, bad stuff that I can see is true, but I don’t want to say anything too bad about them in public, and she’s kind of bad for going along with it. But she says she had to make a lot of hard choices. Most of my friends at school at super liberal. They’re not like SJWs or anything, but they really don’t like my dad. Mostly I agree with them, and I don’t…
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Horoscopes for 3.1.19

Just in case any of you might have forgotten: This isn’t just another one of those “horoscopes” that spews out vague platitudes that could apply to anyone. No no no. When you’re reading and start to think “gee whiz, this really seems to be about me,” that’s because it is. The stars know. I know. Your horoscope seems like it’s about all of those intimate details you shared with me in confidence because it is. You can’t have it both ways. You can either get cryptic gibberish, or a real, straight from the tea leaves/horse’s mouth/duck’s intestines horoscope. A lot of horses and ducks had to die for these horoscopes. Now that I think about it, the horses didn’t actually have to be killed, but rest assured, they’re all dead.   We are very special apes. We’re the apes that laugh and cry, like chimps, baboons (technically monkeys), and gorillas.…
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