Tag Archive: Taylor Swift
The Skull Island Times > Taylor Swift
RK Galaga
January 31, 2022
Divine Advice
Evander Holyfield, Hostess CupCakes, James Buster Douglas, Joe Rogan, Mike Tyson, Neil Young, Spotify, Taylor Swift
Dear Jesus and The Devil, After Spotify chose ratings and corporate profits over the truth, I realized there’s only one thing I can do to save America from all the deadly misinformation: I have to fight Joe Rogan. He has accepted my challenge, though, for some reason, I get the sense that he thinks I’m only kidding. Still, I’m planning on being at the “octagon,” (whatever the hell that is) at the agreed-upon day and time, ready to rumble. If he chooses not to show up, well then, the world will know that he’s nothing but a big ole’ coward. After reading his Wikipedia page, I see that he’s a black belt in a bunch of martial arts and is probably pretty good at fighting. I kind of wish I had read that before issuing the challenge, but it’s too late to back out now. Do you think you guys…
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Ryan Klemek
January 14, 2022
Editorial, Music
Ace of Base, Alternative Polka, B-52's, Bad Hair Day, Beyonce, Brad Roberts, Closer, Craig's List, Crash Test Dummies, Danny Elfman, Dare to be Stupid, Devo, Dweezil Zappa, Even Worse, Frank Zappa, Fugazi, Genius in France, Hamilton, Headline News, Jimmy Fallon, John Cougar Mellencamp, Like a Surgeon, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Literally! With Rob Lowe, Madonna, Mr. Popeil, Nightbreed, Nine Inch Nails, Oingo Boingo, Prince, Rite of Spring, Talk Heads, Taylor Swift, The Beatles, The Doors, The Monkees, The Rolling Stones, Wanna Be Yur Lovr, Weird Al Yankovic, You Make Me
Portraits of Weird Al and Danny Elfman, done by the author
On the podcast Literally! With Rob Lowe, Rob often asks his guests if they prefer the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. If anyone were to ask me, I’d say the Monkees. It’s not that I think the Beatles or the Stones are bad, it’s just that I don’t see how they’re better than any other bands. The Monkees didn’t play their own instruments, but at least they had a funny TV show. I saw them live, actually. In Latham, New York, back in 1986. Really, though, I was there to see their opening act: Weird Al Yankovic. Al ran out onto the stage wearing surgical scrubs to perform “Like a Surgeon”, then later in the set, he and his band donned those silly red Devo hats when they did “Dare to be Stupid.” I was only 11 years old at the time, but it was an amazing show. I’ve seen…
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Ryan Klemek
December 13, 2021
Divine Advice
Alanis Morissette, Billie Eilish, Chuck Tingle, Dave Coulier, Mary Magdalene, R.K. Galaga, Taylor Swift
Dear DA, I’m the hottest woman on earth. Everything wants to fuck me, men, straight women, animals. But once I hook up, I get dumped, so what the fuck’s up? I went camping and woke up to a bear humping my leg. At first, I tried to shoo him away, but he was very sweet. His name was something like “ARGHH!” or some roaring sound, but I understood him, so I gave him the ride of his life, and don’t pretend you aren’t jealous. Anyway, I wake up the next morning, and he’s gone. I’m already writing a song about him called “Who’s the Beast Now You Stupid Fucking Bear?” I know that technically he’s a beast, but it’s irony. Is something wrong with me? Is it the banjo? Should I stop playing the banjo? I know people hate it, but it’s a big ask from my perspective, and I’m…
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H. Seitz
June 21, 2021
Divine Advice
Hitler, Jair Bolsonaro, Jesus, Joe Montana, Kevin Costner, Lucifer, Pete Rose, Rodrigo Duterte, Satan, Superman, Taylor Swift, Tim Tebow, Tom Brady
Hi Jesus, I know we didn’t always get along, but I do want to make the world a better place and hopefully, you’ll postpone The Apocalypse again. You have to stop sending every baseball player to hell, or expediting their weird “deals” with me. One told me he’d give up the rest of his life if I gave him a 100mph fastball. I asked if he wanted anything else, like maybe to win the World Series, or also be able to hit, and he said “nah.” 70% of the people I see in hell are baseball players. It almost makes me miss the Old Testament times, but I don’t–really, I don’t. I know I’m supposed to be “evil,” but ever since you relaxed your standards, especially the confession at the end and you go to heaven!” bullshit (even for me, that seems fucked up), my game has been off. Torturing…
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H. Seitz
April 27, 2020
Divine Advice
COVID-19, Eruption, Jesus, Pornhub, Ron Jeremy, Satan, Taylor Swift
Dear DA, This COVID-19 thing is really starting to get to me. Of course I feel badly for everyone and I know I’m relatively lucky, but I think I’m starting to go crazy. Being cooped up in my Tribeca mansion didn’t seem so bad at first. I was masturbating 5 times a day as usual and getting really good at playing the banjo. I can actually play Eruption on the banjo now. Why would anyone bother learning how to play Eruption on a banjo? Maybe because they’re bored out of their mind and you can’t just masturbate forever. Anyway, my mansion is in NYC, so it’s more of a townhouse, or to people who don’t live in NYC, a nicer than average normal-sized house. I have an infinity pool, one of those stationary bikes that rams a dildo into you as you pedal, a cat, and plenty of ravioli, so…
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H. Seitz
March 16, 2020
Divine Advice
Jesus, Kid Rock, Satan, Tay Tay, Taylor Swift, Trump
Dear DA, I’ve had a good run for a musician, and I am a musician. And since my recent thickening, I’m one of the most fuckable women on earth. But I can’t help thinking timing has something to do with it. Every week since I’ve been born, and especially since I’ve been famous, something unbelievably awful happens. I got my first handjob on 9/11. My first demo, 1000 people died in Yemen. But to be fair, that happens, like, every week? Stock market crash 2008, my first period. Trump elected, my first strap-on. Coronavirus, my first kiss. I know that seems maybe out of order, but the South is different. So for the average millennial, all straight men, and 90% of women, it’s either look at the most recent weekly horror or look at Taylor Swift. I’m Taylor Swift, and I, like most even remotely self-aware people, hate myself, but…
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H. Seitz
March 24, 2019
Horoscopes
Alicia Silverstone, Blake Lively, Brittany Murphy, Elsa the Lion, Priyanka Chopra, Saoirse R, Sophie Turner, Taylor Swift, Zooey Deschanel
Aries One of your exes used to wear wigs sometimes. It seems ridiculous, but it tricks your lizard brain into thinking “new female.” You’ve probably heard about the studies showing that your brain can’t really tell the difference between porn and reality, except for porn being better in every way except for the acting. It’s true. The magic parts of your brain light up just as if you were having sex with a real person, but the “you” part of your brain gets depressed right after you cum. Adorable Aries: Saoirse Ronan Taurus The only real freedom or privacy any of us have left is between our ears, and ewww–no thank you. That stuff doesn’t belong anywhere. You wish the police could actually go in there and clean it up, but it would have to be robot police, and even then, it would be embarrassing. But take heart. Everyone has…
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H. Seitz
March 18, 2019
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Bernie Sanders, Beto O'Rourke, Bill Clinton, Christian, Cleopatra, Democratic Party, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, Hillary Clinton, Jesus Christ, Liz Taylor, Oompa Loompa, Pocahontas, Satan, Taylor Swift, Trumpsters
Dear DA, It took us 7 hours to decide how or who to address this letter to, which is actually kind of a record for us as far as quickness and decisiveness. We wanted to be inclusive, so some of us wanted to list all the religions or deities still presiding over America, but we didn’t want to leave out the atheists or agnostics or offend anyone with the order, especially the Muslims. There’s no way to do this ecumenically and inclusively without sounding like nationalist extraterrestrials (Dear People of America), so we just copied Taylor Swift and went with Dear DA. It seems like it should be unthinkable, but the one thing we all agree on is that Trump is going to be re-elected and we’re all going to lose. Just look at us. Trump is a lousy president and an even worse human being, but he’s good at…
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H. Seitz
January 11, 2019
Horoscopes
Beverly Cleary, Count Dooku, Diddy, Dido, Eliza Dushku, Eratosthenes, Gem and the Holograms, Holly Madison, J. Edgar Hoover, Jennifer Aniston, Jimi Hendrix, Joan of Arc, Kurt Warner, Laura Bush, Leonardo Da Vinci, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mr. Krabs, Nicola Tesla, Popeye’s limited-time-only deep fried soft shell crab, Ram 1500, Rosamund Pike, Sebastian from The Little Mermaid, Taylor Swift, Vanna White, Virgin Mary, Zooey Deschanel
Aries It’s great that you feel less stressed out, but there’s a difference between resolving your problems and deciding to ignore them. Your sister is still waiting for you to post bail (she stopped calling because that myth about getting just one phone call is kind of true–you get one chance to make a bunch of calls after you’re first processed, then another chance in a week or so, then more chances and privileges as you learn the ropes). Your high blood pressure isn’t going to “decide to bother someone else” just because you refuse to give it attention. That works with girlfriends and puppies, but not with medical issues. Famous Rams: Kurt Warner, Ram 1500 Taurus The only reason you have any “friends” is because you’re too oblivious to get the hint that nobody likes you. Your employer and all of your coworkers didn’t just “forget” to tell…
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H. Seitz
December 7, 2018
Horoscopes
Ariana Grande, Aries, Barack Obama, Beyonce, Cancer, Capricorn, Charles Manson, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Ed Gein, Elvis Presley, Gemini, Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica ALba, John Wayne Gacy, Kayne West, Leo, Libra, Matt Damon, Meryl Streep, Muhammad Ali, Neve Campbell, Pancreatic, Pol Pot, Rosa Parks, Sagittarius, Saoirse Ronan, Scorpio, Shakira, Taurus, Taylor Swift, Ted Bundy, Virgo
Aries: “The truth will set you free” is just an expression. It doesn’t actually work in court. Famous Aries: Saoirse Ronan, Hitler, David Letterman Taurus: No matter how hard you work and successful you are, we all die disappointed and alone. Remember that before starting your next big project. Famous Taurus: Pol Pot, Jessica Alba Gemini: Every year you decide you’re finally going to change, and every year you’re wrong. Congratulations on finally giving up. Famous Geminis: Jeffrey Dahmer, Kanye West, Donald Trump Cancer: There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: people have had enough of your nonsense and you should really just shut up and disappear for awhile. But on the brightside, this was a lot easier to say than I thought it’d be. Famous Cancers: Ariana Grande, Meryl Streep, Pancreatic Leo: After a lifetime of generosity and loyalty, you can’t…
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