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Divine Advice For Taylor Swift 4

April 27, 2020 0 Divine Advice , , , , , ,

Original photo by Glenn Francis

Dear DA, This COVID-19 thing is really starting to get to me. Of course I feel badly for everyone and I know I’m relatively lucky, but I think I’m starting to go crazy. Being cooped up in my Tribeca mansion didn’t seem so bad at first. I was masturbating 5 times a day as usual and getting really good at playing the banjo. I can actually play Eruption on the banjo now. Why would anyone bother learning how to play Eruption on a banjo? Maybe because they’re bored out of their mind and you can’t just masturbate forever. Anyway, my mansion is in NYC, so it’s more of a townhouse, or to people who don’t live in NYC, a nicer than average normal-sized house. I have an infinity pool, one of those stationary bikes that rams a dildo into you as you pedal, a cat, and plenty of ravioli, so…
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Divine Advice For Jennifer Lawrence

September 18, 2017 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , ,

Dear DA, My cat is slut-shaming me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m at my wit’s end. My cat’s name is Fluffy, she’s a good cat, she got pregnant once before I got her fixed so she should understand that these things happen, but she’s been such a bitch lately. I went out with Ron, who’s a pretty nice guy, it was our first date. Yes, I had sex with him, no big deal, it’s 2017, right? But when I got home, Fluffy kept judging me, she stared at me, like I was a whore. I told her it wasn’t polite to slut shame me like that and she just kept staring at me. I woke up the next morning and Fluffy was sitting my chest, staring at me. She opened her mouth and meowed at me, and I swear to God, the meow sounded like…
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