Reviews

Album Review: Shostakovich Symphony 11

The first time I heard Dmitri Shostakovich’s 11th Symphony, I was training for a marathon. I had just finished a 22.3-mile run—my last long one before the race—and was chugging a kale banana walnut hemp seed Greek yogurt orange juice smoothie while skipping around on Spotify. When I found that thunderous section of wild percussion and howling brass in the second movement, I got so fucking high that I started crying like a baby elephant. Endorphins + exciting music = quite a bonkers trip. Film Music Snobby critics often shit on Shostakovich 11 because they think it sounds too much like film music. By this, I assume they mean it’s too melodramatic, too loud, and overly sentimental. Anyone who thinks that is an idiot deserving of a swift kick in the taint, which I will gladly deliver while forcing them to listen to this recording. Is this music dramatic, loud,…
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Food Review: Apples

As garlic wards off vampires, so is the effect of apples on doctors. At least that is the lesson taught to us as children. Is there any truth to it? None of the doctors I spoke to would give me a straight answer. Apples: the Wonderfruit Legend has it that an apple helped Sir Isaac Newton invent gravity when it leapt from an overhanging tree branch and struck him in the noggin to jumpstart his imagination. If not for that crisp little ball of sugar, we would all be floating around in space. Not many other fruits have made such important contributions to science. Where were pears when Einstein was developing the A-bomb? Why was it a key and not a banana that Benjamin Franklin tied to his kite when he was inventing electricity? In all fairness, it is not the job of fruit to further technological progress, which is…
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Movie Review: New Jack City

New Jack CIty – Rated R Could this story have been told linearly? Yes (it probably would’ve been less confusing). Could it have been told today? Absolutely not. A movie about an evil black man taking advantage of his own people just wouldn’t fly in our more enlightened age. But to be fair, it’s easier to take advantage of your own people. You probably live closer to them. The slave trade, as profitable as it was, was a horrible commute for most of the Caucasians involved.  There are a lot of mysteries in New Jack City. Is Gee Money’s girlfriend a trannie? I really expected this to be a “surprise” twist until it wasn’t. I’d go as far as to call New Jack City The Crying Game 1.0, but for whatever reason, the powers that be decided against it. Maybe they figured (incorrectly) that they had no shot at an…
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Movie Review: Hobbs and Shaw

Hobbs and Shaw is the gay action-adventure rom-com the entire world has been waiting for, and it comes up big time (pun intended). For everyone wondering what went wrong with Captain Marvel and Titty Titty Gang Bang, pay attention.  We’ve all been “woke” for at least five or six years now, and even most of the non-woke community (a minority we should be allies to, btw) couldn’t care less about who’s sleeping with who as long as all of the participants are consenting adults. We no longer need the communist ethnostate ideology rammed down our throats. What we do need rammed down our throats is a little physics-defying stunt the fringe gay community refers to as The Rodeo Clown, and not only do the leads pull it off like seasoned pornographers, it happens organically. It isn’t in your face until it is, and by then, you want it to be. …
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Movie Review- Avengers: Infinity War

Avengers: Infinity War PG I don’t watch movies until I can borrow them from the library for free because I equate this with being good for the environment and I self-identify as a person who gives a shit about the environment. Whether or not this is actually good for the environment is neither here nor there. If we’ve learned anything over the last decade, it’s that objective reality does not matter. Nobody knows and nobody wants to know because it’s too depressing. And why bother when subjective reality is more important anyway? If I identify as a person who gives a shit about the environment, that’s who I am, no matter how much garbage I dump into the ocean. Infinity War serves as parable of this modern day lack of conflict. You are what you say you are, reality be damned. And your solutions have no negative consequences regardless of…
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Movie Review- Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi Rated PG Return of the Jedi is a symbolic exploration of the difficulties involved in expediting the elusive female orgasm. This theme has been taken up by more recent films such as Man of Steel and Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and was touched upon by the original Star Wars film released in 1977, but nowhere is it as explicit as in Return of The Jedi. The Death Star, like the Empire, is barren and sterile. All is male, grey, and English. Cloaked within this cynicism is the somehow subtle manifestation of death as a feminine sphere, hinting that within death lays the potential for new life. This is most obviously, and prudishly, illustrated by The Force Awakens, in which the destruction of Starkiller Base (aka The Death Star 2.0) culminates with its rebirth as a star. Likewise in Man of Steel, when the…
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Movie Review- Police Academy

Police Academy Rated R Police Academy is “problematic” because in the 80s, people weren’t as culturally woke as we are today. One almost gets the feeling that it was meant to be crude and offensive. We start with the destruction of a photomat. For you millennials who don’t know what a photomat is, it’s a place we used to have to go to pick up our selfies. In the 80s, cameras weren’t just an app, they were an actual device, and they used “film.” After exposing the “film” to light, it would capture images. We would take this “film” to the photomat, and they would turn it into selfies. In a way, this scene foreshadows the destruction of old institutions as society progresses. Like most of our detritus, the remains of the photomat are dumped into the ocean, signaling our continuing scorn for the environment. The archetypes are simplistic and…
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Movie Review- White Dog

White Dog Rated PG ********SPOILERS AHEAD******** Originally released in 1982 but suppressed in America over concerns it was racist, White Dog, like Gone Girl, is basically a Lifetime movie come to the big screen. It started to gain a cult following in the early 2000s after insomniacs who saw it on TV at 3:00 a.m. just had to tell their friends about it. Most of them swore they’d seen it on Lifetime, some even thought it was a Lifetime movie. Eventually, White Dog was reinterpreted as “misunderstood,” rather than “campy” or “insane,” and released as a Criterion Collection DVD in 2008. White Dog is about a racist white German shepherd who attacks black people. These attacks are as brutal as they are hilarious, and they are brutally hilarious. Laughing will make you feel like a racist, but you won’t be able to help laughing. Kristy McNichol (Empty Nest) plays an…
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TV Review- Charmed (2018)

Charmed 2018 TV-MA Imagine the original Charmed minus the hot women and exposed midriffs and voila: you have Charmed, a reboot so uninspired it doesn’t even have a colon followed by a description like Charmed: We’re Out of Ideas or Charmed: That Show Your Ex-Girlfriend Used to Make You Watch. They made one of the witches a lesbian activist this time because nowadays, everyone is a lesbian. Thanos is a lesbian, Chewbacca is a lesbian, even Rocky Balboa is somehow a lesbian (Ivan Drago was always a lesbian). If you don’t have bare midriffs or Alyssa Milano, you have to have lesbians so they can make out with each other. And in 2018, forcing young girls to make out on camera is considered to be empoweringly titillating, rather than exploitative. Watching Charmed, I became nostalgic for the blind Stygian witches in Clash of the Titans and the three batty witches…
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TV Review- The Big Bang Theory

The Big Bang Theory Rated TV-MA Full disclosure: I’ve never actually seen The Big Bang Theory, but I already know that I hate it. How do I know? To start, the commercials do an excellent job of showing the viewer exactly what to expect, which is crap. Pure, unmitigated crap. This show has a laugh track. I’ll bet that when people kiss, the laugh track goes “ooooooo!” The TV-MA rating is another dead giveaway. Kaley Cuoco and the other blond chick aren’t getting naked and making out with a TV-MA, which leaves hetero males and lesbians exactly zero reasons to watch. Lastly, the people who actually like this show are reprehensible. No offense, but you’re honestly some of the worst people on earth. You’re the reason suicide bombers want to blow us up. How you can willingly choose to watch this crap episode after episode, year after year, when a…
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