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Food Review: Pancakes

January 21, 2022 0 Food, Reviews

Photo by Burst

I know what some of you are thinking: “Pancakes are fine, but they suck compared to French toast and waffles.” Well, just chill the fuck out, ok? I’ll be talking about all three of these amazing foods because they’re all fucking awesome. Hellboy When the superhero spawn of Satan first came to Earth, he was given pancakes, and it quickly became his favorite food. He eats them by the truckload, and if they’re good enough for Hellboy, then they’re good enough for you. Rise Above the Competition The fact is, 90% of the pancakes out there are total garbage. They’re either too dry, too spongy, or too mushy. If someone’s idea of pancakes is those nasty yellow discs they serve at McDonald’s, then, yeah, of course, they’re going to hate pancakes. Even the ones at IHOP are disappointing, and that’s supposed to be their specialty. I guess there’s a reason nobody calls…
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Food Review: Ice Cream

January 7, 2022 0 Food

Photo by Kristen Taylor (cropped)

As batshit crazy as this might sound, I didn’t always love ice cream. It’s not that I disliked it, it’s just that I didn’t give much of a shit about it. I was always more of a cookie/brownie/ guy. Then one day, I realized cookies and brownies are way better if you throw some ice cream on top, and my whole life changed forever. Now, I eat cookie/brownie sundaes 4-5 times a week, which is probably a little too much fat and sugar for a 46-year-old man to be eating. But you only live once, right? Truth be told, I’m a bit of an ice cream snob. I steer clear of the processed shit like Turkey Hill, Hood, and the generic store brands, though I could be persuaded to eat Breyer’s. Baskin-Robbins sucks ass. Ben & Jerry’s is ok, but I prefer local ice cream shops to any of the…
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Food Review: Apples

November 19, 2021 0 Food, Reviews , , , ,

Original photo by Tobi Law (cropped)

As garlic wards off vampires, so is the effect of apples on doctors. At least that is the lesson taught to us as children. Is there any truth to it? None of the doctors I spoke to would give me a straight answer. Apples: the Wonderfruit Legend has it that an apple helped Sir Isaac Newton invent gravity when it leapt from an overhanging tree branch and struck him in the noggin to jumpstart his imagination. If not for that crisp little ball of sugar, we would all be floating around in space. Not many other fruits have made such important contributions to science. Where were pears when Einstein was developing the A-bomb? Why was it a key and not a banana that Benjamin Franklin tied to his kite when he was inventing electricity? In all fairness, it is not the job of fruit to further technological progress, which is…
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Food Review: Tide Pods

April 5, 2018 0 Food, Reviews

What the Fuck is wrong with the Youth of America? I mean seriously…these little fucktards and their God Damned Tide Pods. I mean what the fuck???? They’re eating Detergent. Jesus Fuck!!! Yes, JESUS FUCK.   I swear to fucking God if one of my little fucktard kids eats a Fucking Tide Pod, I will fucking Shit myself!!! In my day it was “Whip Its”, and we turned out just fine. Fuck my face!! Oh, how I miss those days! We weren’t hurting anyone, just getting high off of some fucking Whipped Cream! These Little Fuckwits are just too fucking stupid. WHO EATS FUCKING DETERGENT!!!!!!!!   I tell you what, let’s see what the rage is all about, ok? I’ll give you one thing, they look very tasty, and that fucking weird exterior feels pretty amazing in my hands. Should I lick it? Hmm, you know what? It’s not bad. That…
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Food Review: All-Bran Buds, The “Butt Hurt” Cereal

March 13, 2018 0 Food, Reviews ,

“The butt hurt cereal” This is supposed to be an article about my favorite cereal. It’s not. It’s about the funniest thing I ever saw on a cereal box. All Bran Bran Buds used to have this on the top flap (I think) of the box “A lighter, happier feeling is waiting for you inside” because you know, bran makes you poop…A LOT. And frequent, good poops are the new high. I never knew that saying was on there until my sister told me and then I seen it with my own eyes. It made me giggle and from then on I had a new appreciation for Kellogs. The bran buds taste like shit but they shared poop humor with me! But now, a few years later, there’s no more saying on the box. Why?? Did a bunch of tight-assed old ladies complain? Did Sanctimommies get their goddamned hands all…
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Food Review- Lucky Charms

September 28, 2016 0 Food

If you are going to eat Lucky Charms, eat it with both milk AND caution. The picture on the box promises many things, but what it actually delivers is sugary sorrow. Upon pouring the puffy oat bits and stiff, dry marshmallows into my bowl, my spirit danced with child-like anticipation. However, after the first bite, I was clobbered in the life with the heavy shovel of reality. The oat bits sliced my gums, and the marshmallows melted my teeth. That’s not to say the taste was bad, because the flavor was actually ridiculously pleasant. Suffice to say if I had to distract a giant with the taste of this cereal so that I could escape his fury, I have confidence that I could free myself. However, taste is not the only reason humans eat cereal. And if the cut gums and ruined chompers weren’t bad enough, there is also the…
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