Author Archive: RK Galaga

RK Galaga is the author of "Prehistoric Passion From Mars," "The Erotic Secrets of Shelley Frankenstein," "Lust Finds a Way," and "The Erotic Adventures of Paul Bunyan."

Divine Advice For Rudy Giuliani 2

Dear DA, Do you think I could pass for a house elf like Dobby from the Harry Potter books? God how I love those books, and I need them now more than ever. Thank God that at least Trump stood up for me, and he’s right. This entire thing is so unfair, just like everything that ever goes wrong for me. The FBI warned me about Russian interference in the 2020 presidential election, and of course I ignored them because they’re a part of the deep state. Then they warned me again and I ignored them again. And then suddenly, out of the blue, they’re raiding my home? Seems kind of suspicious if you ask me. The last time I checked, the President is more powerful than the FBI. Or at least he’s supposed to be. He tells me to jump off a bridge or go to Ukraine to help…
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Divine Advice For Derek Chauvin

Dear DA, I really screwed up, and most of it isn’t even because I’m a blatant racist. You know how if you have a job for long enough, you kind of start to blow it off? It’s like every year, I have to watch a sensitivity training video again? Or get my eyes checked so I can be recertified to use a firearm? And this bullshit never ends. I stopped doing all of that crap years ago, and it kind of bled over into my work on the streets. You hear enough people begging for mercy or to be treated like human beings, and you just kind of grow numb to it. The pressure was also starting to get to me. A regular arrest, like what was caught on film, I practically sleep through. You know what kind of calls I get? People used to complain to me about stray…
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Divine Advice For Ted Nugent

Dear DA, Jon Shaeffer, the frontman of the band Iced Earth, is the first to plead guilty to the Capital Riots. He’s also in the far-right group Oath Keeper, which honestly, I’ve never even heard of before. Have I lost a step? And please, be honest with me. I can’t help thinking that if this had happened 10 years ago, it would have been me pleading guilty to the Capital Riots. I blame the Damn Yankees. We’ve all gone broke and have been practicing for our “big comeback.” If I wasn’t so busy with those idiots and my stupid guitars, it would have been me at that riot, and that would have done more for my record sales than any pathetic Damn Yankees reunion. Does anyone even know more than one song by us? What I find the most troubling is that if I was off about this, maybe I’ve…
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Divine Advice For Ben Shapiro

Dear DA, Let’s dish. First of all, I don’t believe in 90% of the crap I spout. I’m just not talented or smart enough to do anything else. Believe me, I’ve tried, but I guess you could say I turned to the darkside. Rush was getting old, and I saw a void to fill, and here I am, ready to take over.  The reason I walked off that British TV show is because frankly, I miscalculated. I thought the English had become as stupid as Americans, but they’re not quite there yet. I realized that about a minute in and figured fuck it, why waste my time? Another little secret I’ll let you in on: Moscow Mitch is half Smurf, and that’s why he was half-purple. It was too hot and his makeup was running.   As a mensch, I don’t really believe in the afterlife or hell, but just in…
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Divine Advice For Matt Gaetz

Dear Divine Advice, I tell ya, these days, people really love throwing around the phrase “sex trafficking.” Sure, I like to load my underage prostitutes onto a plane and fly them out of the state, but that’s just so I don’t get caught with them when the feds raid my cabin. Now this David McGee character is trying to extort $25,000 from me, and even Donald Trump is letting me twist in the wind. The whole reason I became a Republican in the first place is so sex scandals wouldn’t matter. I know it’s Easter, and you’re busy coming back from the dead and all that, but if you have a spare moment, I could really use your help with this. Thanks in advance, Matt Gaetz, U.S. representative for Florida’s 1st congressional district Dear Matt, If I had a little more notice, I would have let you be the criminal…
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Divine Advice For Brian Kemp

Dear DA, I can’t be 100% honest with the lamestream media, but I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t want Black people, Mexicans, or Asians voting, citizens or not. This country has been going downhill ever since the 19th Amendment. We gave women the right to vote and BAM! Ten years later, the Great Depression, then WW2. We let these “people of color” vote, we’re just asking for WW3, and the economy is already tanking. Now I appreciate ladies and Blacks just as much as anyone, but there’s a time and place for everything. For women, that’s barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, and for Black people, it’s on the basketball court, the football field, the baseball diamond, stand up comedy, boxing, running, and really just about everything, but not voting. For rich Black men who are Republicans and own land, we should officially just declare…
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Divine Advice For Marjorie Taylor Greene 2

Photo credit: marjorietaylorgreene.com

Dear DA, I know a lot of people are trying to cancel me right now, but aren’t we all forgetting about the most fundamental American rights we have? We each have the right to be stupid, hateful, bigoted buffoons. This is what made America great, and what will make America great again. You can’t cancel someone for being a wall-eyed moron. You’d have to cancel over half of the people on earth. What the libtards call bigotry I call loyalty to my people, the real Americans who are white, go to church, and repress their homosexual urges. The way I was raised, if you were born an asymmetrical doofus, you learned to live with it. You didn’t try to do a bunch of fancy book learning just so you could use a slightly cleaner bathroom. I know Jesus has got my warped back on this one. So thank you in…
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Divine Advice For Meghan Markle

Dear Divine Advice, Marrying into British royalty boosted my fame, but it hasn’t paid off like I had hoped when it comes to my movie career. I even had Harry corner Bob Iger at a party and “suggest” he cast me in the next Disney movie, but instead of caving to my husband’s threats, Iger stepped down as CEO. And then Disney went and cast some other woman of color as the live-action Little Mermaid just to spite me. I laid all my cards on the table in my Oprah interview when I accused the royal family of racism, but my phone still isn’t ringing. If identity politics doesn’t get me work, I don’t know what will. I turn 40 in August, and I’m only half black, so my skin won’t stay this nice forever. Please help! Sincerely, Meghan, Duchess of Sussex Dear Meghan, I’m not going to lie to…
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Divine Advice For COVID-19

Dear DA, Why did you create me? Did you set everything in motion with the big bang, and then just sit back as everything unfolded, or are you actively involved in everything? Assuming you did actively create me, I think you might have made a terrible mistake. I’m just going to keep mutating and getting worse forever. There are already at least 14 different new strains of me, but I guess calling me COVID-33 now would be just too depressing, and we’ll get there soon enough anyway. I understand that there are just too many damn people, but you’ve basically turned the entire world into purgatory. The guy I’m infecting now, the poor bastard hasn’t really left his apartment in a year. He hasn’t kissed a girl in at least a year (but I’m guessing it’s probably been much longer–not everything is my fault). He just mopes around all day,…
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Divine Advice For Kimberly Guilfoyle

Dear Divine Advice, I just gave a brilliant speech at CPAC but the only thing people are talking about is that sexy dance I did back in December at the Turning Point USA Convention. If nobody is going to take me seriously anyway, should I just become a stripper? Sure, my face looks like the Michael Myers mask from Halloween, but I do have a delicious booty. At least Don Jr. thinks so. Yours Truly, Kimberly Guilfoyle P.S. THE BEST. IS YET. TO COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P.P.S. Sorry. That was just the cocaine kicking in. Dear Kim, After Kimmy Gibbler on Fuller House, you’re the second most annoying Kim in the world. That’s quite an accomplishment, considering there are still Kim Kardashian and Kim Jong-Un to contend with. For a second, I was wondering what sexy dancing had to do with those machines people strap to their faces when they have sleep…
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