Author Archive: RK Galaga
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: RK Galaga
RK Galaga
August 11, 2016
Movies and Television, Reviews
Ashton Kutcher, Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, Ghost, Jerry Zucker, Patrick Swayze, Road House, Rumer Willis, Sam Elliot, Vincent Schiavelli, Whoopi Goldberg
The 1990 romantic hit Ghost is exactly the type of movie one expects to be remade right about now in this cultural wasteland we call the twenty-first century. So when director Jerry Zucker told the world he was making a sequel instead of a reboot, most of us were a little shocked. When he said he was bringing back Patrick Swayze to play the lead, we were more than shocked—mostly because Patrick Swayze has been dead since 2009. So how did he do it? “None of your damn business” is what Zucker tells anyone who asks. Rumer has it that Whoopi Goldberg can actually summon the dead, but what the hell does Rumer Willis know? Just because both of her parents are in this movie doesn’t mean she knows how they summoned Patrick Swayze’s departed soul. Anyway, as one would imagine, a movie starring an actual ghost is pretty fucking…
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RK Galaga
August 2, 2016
Fan Fiction, Fiction
Alf, Farrelly brothers, Han Solo, J.J. Abrams, Melmac, Melmacian, Millennium Falcon, Starship Enterprise, There's Something About Mary, zombie
“Shit, Han, what did you do!” Alf lifts the lifeless girl’s arm and lets it flop onto the floor. Han crawls out from under a pile of cigarette butts on the sweat and cum stained leather sofa. He rubs his pupil-less eyes and wipes cocaine from his brittle nostrils. Upon seeing the dead girl at his feet, he snaps to attention. “Oh, fuck. I don’t know. I don’t remember.” He staggers around the corpse to get a good look at her bloody, empty skull. “I guess I must have gotten the munchies in the middle of the night.” “The mini fridge is stocked with cow brains, why didn’t you just eat one of those!” “I don’t know! I was fuckin’ high! I was half asleep! I don’t fuckin’ remember!” Alf stands up and begins pacing their trashed penthouse suite. “Well, I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do…
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RK Galaga
July 25, 2016
Divine Advice
Jesus, Lucifer, Paris Hilton
The last time I fell in love, I made a ring out of aluminum foil, introduced myself to the young lass, and handed it to her. The woman’s name was Paris Hilton. She laughed, so I am certain she was joyous. Two men in black strong-armed me out of there, and I am not certain why they wish to bar me from my romance with this fine young lady. I’m worried that my love is being held captive by these guys, and so my next move is to infiltrate her mansion and make love to her by dark of night. However, the fence is electrified, and the invisibility cloak that I received from hogwartsfans.com doesn’t seem to be working. I’m going to have to rob a bank before I can buy a plane ticket to Los Angeles. However, by searching for her on the internet, I discovered Ms. Hilton is…
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RK Galaga
February 14, 2016
Fiction
My prematurely white hair notwithstanding, I was now the hunk that I always knew I could be. When you have no job, you have time to spend 5 hours a day at the gym. Looking like a classical Greek sculpture was only a happy side effect of my efforts, though. I needed the practical aspects of my newly acquired strength to scale a glass Manhattan office building. A window-washer friend owed me a favor. A costume designer friend owned me another favor. When I put these two great tastes together, I got something better than a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. What I had was an idea for a super romantic gesture and the means to pull it off. Why be bitter about Valentine’s Day, when you can use the theme as a premise to win back the one that got away? Strangely, her boss…
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RK Galaga
July 3, 2011
Fiction
“Uh, eagles are protected by the guvmint,” Craig said with a mouth full of syrup. “You kill one of those, n’ you’ll end up in a federal prison being water-boarded 24-7 until you turn into a fish, or drown.” “No, man, they don’t put you in prison for killin’ eagles.” Phil help his coffee to his lips as he spoke. ‘They keep you submerged up to your neck in a swamp, like in Rambo, until all of the eagle’s powers are sucked out of you by leeches.” “So what yer sayin’ is, the only reason it’s illegal to hunt our national bird is cuz the govmint don’t want every crazy bastard in the country getting super powers from drinking eagle blood?” Camren shrugged. “We, that makes sense actually. It sure would be bad if them super powers fell into the wrong hands”. Craig, Phil and Camren were just about the…
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RK Galaga
May 2, 2011
Movies and Television, Reviews
Ben Affleck, Cedric Yarbrough, Janet Jackson, Kevin Smith, Lamman Rucker, Martin Lawrence, Neil Patrick Harris, Thundercats, Tyler Perry
We knew there would be a live-action ThunderCats movie eventually. How could there not be? What surprised everyone, however, was just how badly Tyler Perry wanted to make this. Even more surprising is that the only part NOT given to an African-American actor was the part of Panthro, portrayed in the film by Neil Patrick Harris. Perry was not prepared for Harris to steal the show once again as he did in Undercover Brother, but that’s what makes the film so fresh and hip. Casting himself in his Medea persona as Mumm-Ra was a stroke of genius, and no less brilliant was his casting of Martin Lawrence in his Big Mama make-up as Lion-O. As not to let down his die-hard fans, Perry rounds out the rest of the cast with his go-to actors from his other popular films. Janet Jackson is a stunning vision of Cheetara, Lamman Rucker brings…
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RK Galaga
January 13, 2011
Fiction
I never realized that my unconventional ability could be called a superpower until the day I used it to defend myself. The very large man pinned me against a cold, damp brick wall. The gun in my face kept me from thinking about how my leg was pressed against a filthy garbage can. I didn’t have any money, and I knew this was actually a bad thing if you are being mugged. When they find that their efforts are in vain, muggers tend to get cranky and frustrated and slightly trigger-happy. Thinking I was going to die anyway, I figured the least I could do was see to it that my attacker had a very uncomfortable get-away sprint. For a moment, I forced away the fear and allowed the adrenaline to focus all my energy on his insides. My concentration was dagger-sharp. Immediately, I saw the predator confidence fade from…
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RK Galaga
July 27, 2010
Movies and Television, Reviews
Bill Murray, Corey Feldman, Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson, Ghostbusters, Goonies, John C. Reilly, Josh Brolin, Ke Huy Quan
I’m going to cut to the chase here. Goonies vs. Ghostbusters is probably the best movie I have ever seen in my entire life. Unfortunately, because of contractual disputes, I may be the only person who ever gets to see it. As we were leaving his private screening room, director Sean Astin told me he plans to burn the only copy of the film before Hollywood big wigs can get their mitts on it. He fought hard to keep every brilliant, yet controversial word of Dan Ackroyd’s screenplay, and he was not about to let the studio dumb things down for mainstream audiences. Because this masterpiece will be destroyed before it ever sees the light of day, I can give a detailed account without worrying about spoilers. Let’s start with the cast. On the Goonies side, Astin returns as Mikey, with Josh Brolin, Ke Huy Quan, Kerry Green, and Martha…
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