H. Seitz
September 23, 2022
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Bob Saget, Candice Cameron Bure, Cobra Kai, Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Fuller House, Jesus, Kirk Cameron, MAGA, Norm MacDonald, Only Murders in the Building, Satan, Selena Gomez, Super Bowl, The Orville, The Other Guys, Tom Brady, World Series, Yankees
Hi guys, I’m technically a Catholic, but not a practicing one. I’ve committed the sin of using birth control thousands of times, including premarital sex, and I’m also superstitious. I’ve invoked the ghost of Babe Ruth several times, which is technically worshiping a false idol, and that alone is enough to get me crucified, but am I really such a bad guy? No disrespect intended, but I’m a mere mortal, and I came through in the clutch when it mattered the most, and you guys–well, to put it politely, haven’t. I’m more of an old-school player, but stats can be useful, and based on the stats, I wouldn’t trust either of you in a high-pressure situation. For supposedly all-powerful phantoms, you guys are kind of lousy and indifferent. I just don’t think you have the competitive drive to win a World Series, let alone save the world, and the numbers…
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Ryan Klemek
May 15, 2022
Divine Advice
Amber Heard, Ben Affleck, Boondock Saints, Good Will Hunting, Gus Van Sant, J-Lo, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, Minnie Driver, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robin Williams, Satan, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Trivia Pursuit
Dear Divine Advice, Why does Ben get nicknames and I don’t? I have a nickname for him, Ben Affleck the Big Dumb Que– Wait a second, I wasn’t about to say what you think, I was going to say Que– Dammit, “Queen’ kind of means the same thing. Where the hell is my Harvard vocabulary when I need it? Anyway, to move on to less potentially “cancel worthy” topics, how is it that 14-year-old Catholic schoolgirls know more about satisfying a woman than I do? At least no one is slamming me for putting my foot in my mouth, and frankly, I’m grateful that I, Matt Damon, one of the most/least versatile actors of all time, is kind of irrelevant now and therefore becoming “hip” again. The world has much bigger problems to worry about than what Matt Damon says, like that Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial. I let Ben…
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Ryan Klemek
April 7, 2022
Divine Advice
Bill O'Reilly, Cary Grant, Ellen DeGeneres, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Jesus, Joe Biden, Putin, Satan, Scott Baio, Sean Hannity, Sean Penn, Steve Doocy, Zelenskyy
Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m extremely confused. The night after my interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News, I had a wet dream about him. Now I can’t get the bastard out of my head. He’s one of the worst human beings on the planet, spewing hateful, anti-democratic ideas on a nightly basis. I know I’m supposed to hate him—I mean I do hate him, but… You could never know how truly handsome he is until you’re sitting directly across from him. If I’m being honest, I always thought he had this Cary Grant thing going on, but the small screen doesn’t do him justice. In person, this man truly smolders. As we talked about Zelenskyy and Putin and the Russian invasion, I noticed a half chub forming in my pants, but at the time I thought I was just nervous. The truth of the matter is I was falling…
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H. Seitz
March 30, 2022
Divine Advice
Bad Boys For Life, Chris Rock, Chris Tucker, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Jackie Chan, Jada Pickett Smith, Men in Black III, Rush Hour, The Karate Kid, Will Smith
Dear DA, I really don’t know what the big deal is. I’m just an ordinary guy who slaps his maids and butlers like everyone else, and how am I supposed to teach my children how to behave properly if I can’t even be a good example for them on TV? I know Chris Rock isn’t technically my butler, but you expect a certain standard from the maitre’d hotel, and he didn’t even bring me a wine list. And then he goes off and insults my bald, beautiful wife? So what if she looks like a 14-year-old boy? I wouldn’t have it any other way. At least I still won the championship of being an actor, I should have won years ago for Men in Black III and Bad Boys for Life. I told the producers we should have spelled it Bad Boys 4 Life, and they didn’t listen and I…
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H. Seitz
March 13, 2022
Divine Advice
Cap'n Crunch, Captain Crunch, Joe Biden, Kanye West, Netflix, Starbucks
Deary DA, I’ve been the captain of the S.S. Guppy since 1963, which is so long the years kind of blur together. I’ve seen war, plague, pirates, and monstrous ocean creatures only you could have conceived of. Still, after nearly 60 years of service, I get no respect. Yes, I only wear the bars of a commander, but that’s because I’ve been too busy for a fancy bit of stitch work. I should be an admiral by now goddammit! An Admiral! But make no mistake, everyone on my crew knows who’s boss. Insubordination is punished with the lash, and I will kill a man if he even hints at mutiny. My savagery is detested by some, but what you cereal munching fools have to realize is that the existential war for the American Empire is never over. I have sacrificed more than just blood, sweat, and tears. I have sacrificed…
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Ryan Klemek
February 27, 2022
Reviews
Let me cut to the chase: It’s a stupid game and I hate it. It’s a recipe for a sprained ankle or stomped fingers, and it’s not great for your knees and hips. Especially when you get older. OK, maybe I came on a little strong back there. The truth is I was never any good at Duck Duck Goose. As a kid, I was chubby and slow and really stiff. It hurt my legs just to be sitting cross-legged for so long. And I would get so anxious as that person was circling like a shark, ready to pat my head because they knew I was the easiest target. On more than one occasion, I got so nervous that I shat my pants. That being said, I had a lot of admiration for the kids who excelled at the game. They were my heroes. The DDG GOAT There was…
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H. Seitz
February 18, 2022
Divine Advice
Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting, Ike Barinholtz, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Jeremy Renner, Jesse Plemons, Jesus, Joe Rogan, Katy Perry, Kirsten Dunst, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Robert Pattinson, Satan, Talented Mr. Ripley, The Martian, Zooey Deschanel
Dear Divine Advice, Who the hell is this Jesse Plemons character? He keeps stealing roles from me, and even worse, people are mistaking him for me! I mean look at the guy, all bloated with his potato-shaped head, puffy cheeks, and disgusting beer gut. I do all of my own stunts (well, some of them) and that guy couldn’t jump over a fire hydrant. I just did a google search of the guy and my name and picture come up with his–people think we look alike. This is the worst day of my life. Katy Perry and Zooey whatsherface, I can see the resemblance. Except for the knockers, they’re basically the same person, and all hot women look the same to me because I’m progressive. I don’t see color or gender, only hotness. I’m so progressive I support fucking mannequins, because it’s more environmentally friendly than building sex robots. You…
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RK Galaga
January 31, 2022
Divine Advice
Evander Holyfield, Hostess CupCakes, James Buster Douglas, Joe Rogan, Mike Tyson, Neil Young, Spotify, Taylor Swift
Dear Jesus and The Devil, After Spotify chose ratings and corporate profits over the truth, I realized there’s only one thing I can do to save America from all the deadly misinformation: I have to fight Joe Rogan. He has accepted my challenge, though, for some reason, I get the sense that he thinks I’m only kidding. Still, I’m planning on being at the “octagon,” (whatever the hell that is) at the agreed-upon day and time, ready to rumble. If he chooses not to show up, well then, the world will know that he’s nothing but a big ole’ coward. After reading his Wikipedia page, I see that he’s a black belt in a bunch of martial arts and is probably pretty good at fighting. I kind of wish I had read that before issuing the challenge, but it’s too late to back out now. Do you think you guys…
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Ryan Klemek
January 21, 2022
Food, Reviews
I know what some of you are thinking: “Pancakes are fine, but they suck compared to French toast and waffles.” Well, just chill the fuck out, ok? I’ll be talking about all three of these amazing foods because they’re all fucking awesome. Hellboy When the superhero spawn of Satan first came to Earth, he was given pancakes, and it quickly became his favorite food. He eats them by the truckload, and if they’re good enough for Hellboy, then they’re good enough for you. Rise Above the Competition The fact is, 90% of the pancakes out there are total garbage. They’re either too dry, too spongy, or too mushy. If someone’s idea of pancakes is those nasty yellow discs they serve at McDonald’s, then, yeah, of course, they’re going to hate pancakes. Even the ones at IHOP are disappointing, and that’s supposed to be their specialty. I guess there’s a reason nobody calls…
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H. Seitz
January 15, 2022
Divine Advice
Austin Powers, Ben Affleck, Bourne Identity, Good Will Hunting, J-Lo, Jason Bourne, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, Jimmy Kimmel, Matt Damon, Mini Me, Sarah SIlverman, Satan, Ted Knight, Verne Troyer
Dear DA, I stepped on a newspaper some slob left on the sidewalk, whatever it was, it smelled like dogshit, and it made my dog Carlos bolt. I tried to chase him, but I slipped on the newspaper and ended up covered in dogshit. As I’m cleaning myself off, I see my ex with J-Lo and they both see me and I just want to die. I know I’m no J-Lo, but I try to keep it high and tight. Why do you think I did all those Bourne movies? Anyway, as any normal guy would do, I started hanging around the park. I wanted to catch that irresponsible asshole who let his dog dump all over the sidewalk. So I’m standing by the playground, and it’s like a pedophile in reverse. This kid starts staggering up to me, she looks just like me, same potato head and dead eyes,…
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