Satirical Musings, Reviews and Short Fiction

Divine Advice For Florence Pugh

Dear Divine Advice, I’m in the best movie of the year, but for some reason, all anyone is talking about is my relationship with Zach Braff. I get it. He’s 21 years older than I am, and looks like the offspring of John Stewart and Butt-Head, but he’s got a good heart, six-pack abs, and lots of Hollywood connections. Oh, and he has a huuuuuuuuuuuge cock. I’m talking 13 inches soft, nine inches hard. I’m not sure why it gets smaller—I think he may have circulation issues—but nine inches is more than enough for me. And did I mention that his cum tastes like blood sausage? Because it does. And it’s delicious. I swear, I’m guzzling so much of his blood sausage cum that they’ll have to surgically apply that tight Black Widow costume for the next movie. It’s worth it. Anyway, my question is what can I do to…
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Divine Advice For Vladimir Putin 2

Dear Icons of Christian Mythology, As the superior man on Earth, I don’t need advice from 2,000-year-old fictional characters but am curious what you think of threats made by American President Joe Biden. He blame Mother Russia for something called “ransomware,” which hurt American economy and cause high beef price. I tell you what I tell him: Mother Russia is not hacking American computers, so it must be the gays from American cities causing the problems. Is always the gays. America always brag because it beat Mother Russia in one little hockey game at 1980 Olympics and one measly cold war in 1989, but Mother Russia still have billions of nuclear missiles which we will gladly trade to Taliban for fancy afghan rugs and maybe some oil. American gays cry because I help Donald Trump become president, but that was five years ago. Controlling American politics is boring now. Now…
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Divine Advice For Bill Cosby

Dear DA, As you might well know, I’m a free man, completely exonerated! I did absolutely nothing wrong! In this day and age, it’s very difficult to say. They let me go, but they let OJ go, too, but in my case, what would be the point? I’m 84 years old. I’m too old and crazy to even remember what I might have done back in the day. I dream about Lisa Bonet sometimes and Jell-O Pudding Pops, but aside from a few vague memories, my life is a blur. Probably like all those women felt while I was raping them. My point is that context matters. Didn’t Morgan Freeman pull something like this? Once you get past 80, you should be considered legally dead and therefore allowed to do anything. They can’t punish you for something you did in the 80s, because you’re already dead! Even that young honky…
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Divine Advice For John Cena

Dear God’s advice, First of all, please forgive my bad grammar, but this letter was translated from traditional Chinese using Google Translate. Anyway, solve my problem… When promoting my upcoming blockbuster F9: Fast Saga recently, I mistakenly referred to Taiwan as a country. I immediately realized that I had offended our Chinese overlord and publicly apologized in Mandarin and kissed their ass. Kneeling seemed to work. I was not knocked down by lightning, and my career was temporarily saved. The problem is that from that day on, I cannot speak or write in English. I don’t know if I was cursed by a certain Taiwanese wizard or by the ghost of Uncle Sam or Ronald Reagan. Anyway, I was humiliated in front of American friends, and the Chinese people did not respect me. One day, Chinese will become the only language in the world, but before that, I need to…
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Divine Advice For Lucifer

Hi Jesus, I know we didn’t always get along, but I do want to make the world a better place and hopefully, you’ll postpone The Apocalypse again. You have to stop sending every baseball player to hell, or expediting their weird “deals” with me.  One told me he’d give up the rest of his life if I gave him a 100mph fastball. I asked if he wanted anything else, like maybe to win the World Series, or also be able to hit, and he said “nah.” 70% of the people I see in hell are baseball players. It almost makes me miss the Old Testament times, but I don’t–really, I don’t.  I know I’m supposed to be “evil,” but ever since you relaxed your standards, especially the confession at the end and you go to heaven!” bullshit (even for me, that seems fucked up), my game has been off. Torturing…
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Divine Advice For Black Superman

Original drawing by R. Klemek

Dear DA, Being Black Superman isn’t easy. I’m only 33, and I’ve already gone through five alter-egos because the cops keep shooting me. Every time I drive through a white neighborhood and hear sirens, I think “oh shit, here we go again.” I’ve been a plumber, a doctor, a lawyer–I even joined the Merchant Marines and somehow, a cop shot me out in the ocean. I’m running out of names to think up for myself. Maybe next time I’ll be a basketball player or NFL star, someone with a name these cops will recognize, so instead of shooting me, we can just laugh about football. As long as I’m not one of the uppity ones who takes a knee. White Superman never mentions this, but it must have happened to him, too, so go easy on him. The first thing that popped out of my ship was a kryptonite paddle…
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Divine Advice For Dr. Anthony Fauci 2

Dear Jesus and Satan, The other day, I stumbled upon some Anthony Fauci/Andrew Cuomo erotic fan fiction that Chelsea Handler wrote back in April 2020, and it brought a tear to my eye. Those were simpler times, when the public accepted every word that came out of my mouth as gospel, and anyone who expressed any doubt was lumped in with the QAnon conspiracy nuts. It was a great time to be Anthony Fauci, let me tell you. Did I get to fuck Chelsea Handler? No—I’m no Andrew Cuomo—but I did have Brad Pitt play me on Saturday Night Live, which meant I could have fucked Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie if I had wanted to. I declined, for obvious reasons (they’re both old and Botox-y). In hindsight, I wish they had cast Ben Affleck instead because then I would have had access to J-Lo’s luscious booty. Who knew she…
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Divine Advice For Superman 2

Dear DA, I went into a bookstore a few days ago–I know, I know, I can’t believe any of them exist anymore, either. Anyway, I went in, and I noticed that you guys are in the religion section, while Thor, Zeus, and some of my other pals are in mythology, or fantasy. And I wasn’t even really in the store. There were non-fiction books about me, but no tales of my heroic deeds, which I can live with, but feel is a bit unfair. You guys send locusts and plagues and destroy entire cities for sodomy, while I’ve saved the world more times than I can count, and you can’t find me unless you go into a comic book store. In any case, none of this really bothers me. As Superman, I’m above that kind of pettiness, but it did begin to make me worry. I know you’re planning on…
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Divine Advice For Luis Elizondo

Dear Divine Advice, Thanks to a wacky provision some QAnon-friendly Republicans on the Senate Intelligence Committee snuck into the COVID relief bill, the Pentagon now has to declassify all of their UFO documents on June 1st. That means us UFO nuts have just a few more days to cash in on this before the report reveals what we already know: that it’s all just camera artifacts, Russian drones, and NAVY pilots looking to get discharged by sounding crazy. So far, I’ve appeared on 1,247 podcasts, but because of COVID, there haven’t been any UFO cons to speak at. Obviously, I’m writing a book, but there’s no way I’m going to be able to publish it before June 1st. Sure, the hardcore nutters will still buy it after that, but I won’t get the promotional bump from the mainstream media, which will surely stop its coverage once the report comes out.…
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Divine Advice For Andrew Yang 2

Dear Divine Advice, Recently, I had an epiphany: the best way to win the election for mayor of NYC is to become Mike Bloomberg. So far it seems to be working. Some of my more progressive supporters got a little pissed off about my Israel comments, but what can I say? There are more Jews in NY than Muslims, and the Jews have more money. Of course, my stance on the Middle East has no real policy implications within the city, but it’s an issue that matters to certain donors whose asses I need to kiss, and I said what I had to say for their endorsement. The truth is, I don’t really give a shit about what’s happening over there. My other Bloomberg-like policy idea is a little more consequential and a little more controversial because it’s about crime. The rest of the country might not have noticed this,…
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