Dear DA,
I really don’t know what the big deal is. I’m just an ordinary guy who slaps his maids and butlers like everyone else, and how am I supposed to teach my children how to behave properly if I can’t even be a good example for them on TV?
I know Chris Rock isn’t technically my butler, but you expect a certain standard from the maitre’d hotel, and he didn’t even bring me a wine list. And then he goes off and insults my bald, beautiful wife? So what if she looks like a 14-year-old boy? I wouldn’t have it any other way.
At least I still won the championship of being an actor, I should have won years ago for Men in Black III and Bad Boys for Life. I told the producers we should have spelled it Bad Boys 4 Life, and they didn’t listen and I didn’t slap them, and look at how that ended up.
It’s best that my kids learn now that you have to slap your way to the top. I was originally cast as Carlton, but SMACK! SMACK! and I’m the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. In the first draft of Independence Day I was alien number five, but SMACK! SMACK! and I’m the hero, and I even got to smack an alien.
Maybe I’m just too old school or real for y’all, but I’ve been slapping people since the 1980s and it’s turned out pretty damn well so far, so why the hell should I stop now?
Sincerely,
Will Smith
Dear Will,
You certainly have some brass balls for going after Chris Rock like that, because he’s bound to have picked up a little kung-fu after being in all those Rush Hour movies with Jackie Chan.
I know your son was also in a movie with Jackie Chan, but it totally sucked, and I doubt anyone learned kung-fu while making it. You called it Karate Kid, which means you think “kung-fu” and “karate” are just two different words for the same thing. They’re not. They’re actually two completely different martial arts from two different cultures, and you’re kind of a racist for not knowing that.
Anyway, my point is you got lucky last Sunday night—lucky that Chris kept his cool and didn’t answer your slap with a spinning crescent kick to the chin. I’m guessing he had just finished a session of chi-gong meditation to calm himself before coming out onto the stage to make fun of your wife.
—Jesus
Dear Will,
If you ask me, I think you took out your frustration on the wrong person at the Oscars the other night. Instead of going after Chris Tucker for making some hilarious jokes, you should have slapped the shit out of your wife for being bald in the first place.
It may not be PC for me to say this, but “’Til death do us part” should have limits. Especially in Hollywood, where one’s entire career hinges on not being bald. Maybe she was just getting you back for gaining all that weight during COVID, but you can always hire a trainer and get back in shape. She can’t cure Alopecia.
Is she still hot? Of course, she is, but that’s beside the point. You made promises to each other that you would stay young and healthy forever, and she didn’t hold up her end of the bargain.
The truth is all of this could have been avoided had the two of you made deals with me in the first place. I can cure Alopecia and obesity in the blink of an eye, and you would be physically perfect until the end of time, allowing you to make shitty movie after shitty movie until you got bored and went back to rapping.
All it would have cost you is your soul.
The good news is it’s not too late. And what do you have to lose? After your outburst the other day, your soul may be heading to Hell after you die anyway, so you might as well cash in while you’re still alive.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan
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