Editorial

Weird Al vs. Prince

Portraits of Weird Al and Danny Elfman, done by the author

On the podcast Literally! With Rob Lowe, Rob often asks his guests if they prefer the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. If anyone were to ask me, I’d say the Monkees. It’s not that I think the Beatles or the Stones are bad, it’s just that I don’t see how they’re better than any other bands. The Monkees didn’t play their own instruments, but at least they had a funny TV show. I saw them live, actually. In Latham, New York, back in 1986. Really, though, I was there to see their opening act: Weird Al Yankovic. Al ran out onto the stage wearing surgical scrubs to perform “Like a Surgeon”, then later in the set, he and his band donned those silly red Devo hats when they did “Dare to be Stupid.” I was only 11 years old at the time, but it was an amazing show. I’ve seen…
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Bruce Banner Discusses Organic Food

To all of you “vegan,” “organic,” “all natural” folks, and to all you picky eaters in general, I have one word for you. Stop. You want to go green? To save the planet? You’re doing the opposite. Traditional farming produces higher yields per acre than organic farming for almost every major crop, and GMOs do even better. GMO crops use less land, water, pesticides, and fertilizer. This means less wilderness has to be cleared (annihilated) in order to grow food. People have been genetically modifying plants and animals via selective breeding since the dawn of civilization. Almost all of the fruits and vegetables you’re familiar with today are nothing like their “natural” precursors. They were smaller, sour, and had a much smaller percentage of edible mass. Nowadays, our fruits and vegetables are healthier, tastier, and more efficiently grown. “Organic” food has to be grown separately, harvested separately, stored separately, and…
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The Incredible Hulk Discusses Violence

Hulk always big fan of violence. Still am. Hulk see car, building, spider, people, Hulk smash! People point at car, building, spider, people, and tell Hulk violence bad. At first, Hulk no believe. Violence no smash people, Hulk smash people. They say maybe if Hulk less violent, less smash! Hulk think this ridiculous. Hulk mature enough for unlimited violence. Sure, sometimes smash, but violence 2nd amendment Hulk right. Hulk ancestors always violent. Maybe life different 200 years ago, but not so different. Hulk make sure not so different. But voice in Hulk head start to talk about humans, and Hulk understand analogy. Voice say Americans not mature enough for unlimited firepower, and maybe same true of Hulk. So Hulk finally agree. When smash, no longer include pinkie finger in fist. Voice in Hulk head still mad at Hulk. Hulk still mad at voice. But less mad. If Hulk can change,…
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The Incredible Hulk Discusses Online Dating

Dating hard for Hulk. No time. Too busy with Hulk business. But lonely time at night, Hulk know Hulk need love. Need devote more time to find mate. At first embarrassed to online date. Hulk no weirdo. But Hulk realize no other option. Online dating numbers game. When Hulk first try, only message or like woman Hulk really think compatible. Now, swipe right, swipe right, swipe right, swipe right. Any free moment, swipe right. Barely bother look at picture. Same with other site. Like message, like message, like message, like message. Giant fingers make process slow, child mind make message gibberish, but new approach already better. Just last week, Nigeria lady try scam Hulk. Pretend to be doctor from NY on vacation. Ask money for ticket home. Maybe not true love, but at least get message. For all flaw of online dating, still better than real life interaction.

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Bruce Banner Discusses GOP Tax Bill/ Hulk Discusses Net Neutrality

I woke up outside again naked with a dog licking my scrotum. The movies and comics leave this out, but when I turn into the Hulk, I’m entirely naked. Shorts don’t hold up in the real world. And at least 70% of the time, it’s a dog that finds me and wakes me up. They must like my Hulk musk or something. Ever since Trump got elected, I don’t think I’ve gone more than two days without turning into the Hulk. Every time I turn back into myself, by the time I wander back into civilization, find clothes, etc, I inevitably run across at least one newspaper article or television report that turns me right back into the Hulk. I woke up in a red state, so I maybe have a few more minutes tops to write this. I can already hear an old man justifying the GOP Tax Bill.…
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The Incredible Hulk Discusses Public Service

Hulk eat dinner with Solomon Grundy other day. Solomon Grundy criticize Hulk for always complain and never contribute. Solomon Grundy say Hulk should run public office. Hulk explain mind of Hulk too undependable for hold consistent, effective policy. Solomon Grundy laugh and say “So what? Look president? Look half congress?” So Hulk run for mayor or senator whenever next election sooner. If see problem or way for improve Hulk policy, please help Hulk. Hulk Policy #1—Slingshots for the Homeless Hulk Policy #1 kill three bird one stone. Reduce pigeon, reduce rat, and feed homeless. Policy good for all because make homeless self sufficient. Also cheaper than exterminator. Hulk Policy #2—Abandoned Building = Homeless Shelter. Policy exactly what say. Abandoned building now legal homeless shelter. No rules, no change, just no more illegal. Better for homeless and cheaper easier for cop. Homeless no pay fines anyway. Hulk Policy #3—$1.00 Bus/Subway Fare…
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The Incredible Hulk Discusses Conspiracy Theories

Year many ago, Hulk first go on Book of Faces. Hulk know conspiracy theory problem. Government ignore, no want legitimize nonsense, underestimate suckers, power social media. Conspiracy theory way think #1 reason Trump president. American way last 60 70 years, ignore problem til too late. Conspiracy people never admit wrong. No understand legitimate argument evidence, no understand 5th grade math, go on tangent. Willfully ignorant. Also sad, angry, lonely. Hulk know sad, angry, lonely. Conspiracy make conspiracy people feel smart. Get attention. No want look admit dumb. Too invested go back. Many conspiracy people sub troll. Hulk admit, one conspiracy true. Conspiracy people manipulated for monetize youtube channel. Sub troll true believer. No money for sub troll. But money for youtube channel. Alex Jones. Hulk try less violent, but no Alex Jones. Hulk see Alex Jones, Hulk murder Alex Jones. If caught, say conspiracy, tragedy actor. Sandy Hook victim, Las…
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The Incredible Hulk Discusses Gun Control

Hulk have problem human logic. Human thinking hard comprehend. But Hulk try. Hulk see like this. Big gun problem. Need fix problem. Most American want fix problem. But no fix problem. Make crazy excuse instead. Excuse #1: If make law, maybe no fix all problem. Maybe cause some problem (imperfect law). Law against murder no fix all murder. Law no perfect. But definitely fix some murder. Excuse #2: Gun law no help other country. This excuse cherry-pick lie. More relevant compare USA to Australia or England than Chad or Somalia. Excuse #3: Gun violence no so bad when consider most suicide. Last Hulk check, shoot self with gun still gun violence. Shoot self by accident still gun violence. Dog shoot self still gun violence. Baby shoot man still gun violence. Again, cherry-pick lie. Research show gun most effective method suicide and preferred man method. Also show suicide less likely if…
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The Incredible Hulk Discusses DWB (Driving While Black)

Hulk drive car other day, Hulk drive good, but immediately cop pull Hulk over. He ask license, registration. Hulk confused. Hulk no remember how Hulk end up in car. Cop ask Hulk step out car, do sobriety test. He call Hulk in radio, radio tell Hulk only have Learner’s permit, need supervision experienced driver. Also, car registered Bruce Banner. Who Bruce Banner? Hulk no know. Cop mad, shift almost over, now, must wait tow truck. Car no reported stolen, so Hulk OK. Hulk hear on news, dangerous drive while black, dangerous drive while monster, so Hulk always bring tape recorder. Hulk fall asleep, wake up in car other side of town. Hulk listen to tape recorder, cop ask “who you?”, man answer Bruce Banner, tell cop he supervise Hulk, Hulk drive to park car while in bathroom. Bruce Banner naked, cop try arrest indecent exposure. Bruce Banner drive away and…
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A Message About the TPP from The Incredible Hulk

Since Roman Empire, Indian Ocean key to trade between Europe, Asia and Middle East. Suez canal and Red Sea vital strategic entry points. This why Yemen, Gulf of Aden, key to international trade. Even ancient Hulks know, control vital trade route key to control or at least stabilize world. By abandoning TPP, current administration compromising influence and stability in region. China likely to fill vacuum. Strategic and financial loyalty move from US to China. In already unstable, fractured world, now not time to cut all ties. Hulk no foreign policy wonk, but flawed as TPP, world still better when nation have vested interest in other nation, when nation talk and work and compromise. Hulk say improve flaw of TPP, not abandon. Maybe Hulk solution not perfect, Hulk mind scattered, sometimes like two minds. Hulk wake up, Hulk not know how or why Hulk get here. But message still clear. In…
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