Tag Archive: Emilio Estevez

Movie Review: “Dracula” is the Only Watchable Coppola Film

Francis Ford Coppola is an overrated hack. There, I said it. His only entertaining movie is one that most people hate: Bram Stoker’s Dracula, starring Keanu Reeves, Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins, Cary Elwes, and Tom Waits. It’s melodramatic, over-the-top, pure campy fun, and it’s completely out of character for the usually dull, pretentious FFC.  But what about The Godfather? The fact that so many people say it’s their favorite movie is the most compelling piece of evidence that we’re all living in some fucked-up simulation. The one time I tried to watch this piece of garbage, I found myself staring at a vase on the shelf next to the TV because what was on the screen couldn’t keep my attention. It was a pretty handsome vase, but there weren’t even any flowers in it. Also, my neck got really sore because I kept falling asleep and my head…
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Divine Advice For Molly Ringwald

Dear DA, Can you believe I’m 51? Doesn’t it just make you want to kill yourself? A lot of you remember jerking off to me as young children, or at least trying to, and since I haven’t been famous for a while, you probably still remember me as being in my early 20s. When you don’t see someone for 10 or 20 years, they don’t age in your mind. Then, when you suddenly see them again after all those years, it’s like yikes! Why do people’s heads keep on growing? It’s freaky. The rest of your body shrinks, but your head becomes enormous. Still, I can’t complain. There were a few years in my late 30s/early 40s when I was hotter than I’d ever been before. I actually had boobs and everything else was still high and tight. It was like my body’s last stand, a final oasis before the…
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