Tag Archive: Pete Buttigieg

Divine Advice for Mayor Pete

Dear Jesus and Satan, It’s pretty obvious that I’m a puppet for the democratic donor class, but some people think I’m literally made of wood, like Pinocchio. If that were the case, my nose would be the length of a telephone pole. The truth is I’m actually a hologram generated by a Facebook algorithm. Keeping this a secret has been difficult, and my PR team is wondering if it might be time for me to go public with it. Some of them think it could even improve my image. Voters love technology, right? Well, I’m 100% technology. On the other hand, I’m even easier to hack than a Dominion voting machine and I’m barely visible in direct sunlight. As holograms yourselves, what do you guys think I should do? Sincerely, Mayor Pete Buttigieg Dear Mayor Pete, I think your PR team is right—telling the truth could help your brand, but…
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Divine Advice For Andrew Yang

Dear DA, I’m one of the 47 Democrats running for president, the Asian one named Yang. Not that one, the other Asian. The one who’s trying to bribe everyone into voting for me. One grand a month free and easy, yo, from the Yang Dog. That’s what they used to call me in my hood in Schenectady. It’s a little town in Upstate NY. There’s a rose garden and an old-timey movie theater and absolutely nothing else. That’s why I had to choose the thug life. To get some respect, yo. First, I have a confession to make. No one really used to call me the Yang Dog. I just made that up. I’m not even sure why. I thought it would make me sound cool. If you just add “Dog” to the end of your name, you’re cool. At least most of the time. I thought it would work…
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Divine Advice For Joe Biden

Dear DA, I know I’m old and tired and not very “woke,” but I’m probably about as good as it’s going to get for the American people right now, so I’m throwing my hat into the ring or the election or whatever the hell it is. What I mean to say is that I’m running for president, and I think I have decent shot. They way I see it, after a black guy like Obama, having a woman right after him was just too much. They, or I guess, “we,” needed a sleazy, crazy, old white guy to restore the balance of whatever the hell defines this country. Beer, guns, lesbians, I don’t know. I’m old. And that’s kind of the point. Most of us living today are used to old white guys being president, just one old white fart after another, year after year, decade after decade. It barely…
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