Tag Archive: Donald Trump

Divine Advice For Vladimir Putin 2

Dear Icons of Christian Mythology, As the superior man on Earth, I don’t need advice from 2,000-year-old fictional characters but am curious what you think of threats made by American President Joe Biden. He blame Mother Russia for something called “ransomware,” which hurt American economy and cause high beef price. I tell you what I tell him: Mother Russia is not hacking American computers, so it must be the gays from American cities causing the problems. Is always the gays. America always brag because it beat Mother Russia in one little hockey game at 1980 Olympics and one measly cold war in 1989, but Mother Russia still have billions of nuclear missiles which we will gladly trade to Taliban for fancy afghan rugs and maybe some oil. American gays cry because I help Donald Trump become president, but that was five years ago. Controlling American politics is boring now. Now…
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Divine Advice For Dr. Anthony Fauci 2

Dear Jesus and Satan, The other day, I stumbled upon some Anthony Fauci/Andrew Cuomo erotic fan fiction that Chelsea Handler wrote back in April 2020, and it brought a tear to my eye. Those were simpler times, when the public accepted every word that came out of my mouth as gospel, and anyone who expressed any doubt was lumped in with the QAnon conspiracy nuts. It was a great time to be Anthony Fauci, let me tell you. Did I get to fuck Chelsea Handler? No—I’m no Andrew Cuomo—but I did have Brad Pitt play me on Saturday Night Live, which meant I could have fucked Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie if I had wanted to. I declined, for obvious reasons (they’re both old and Botox-y). In hindsight, I wish they had cast Ben Affleck instead because then I would have had access to J-Lo’s luscious booty. Who knew she…
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Divine Advice For Luis Elizondo

Dear Divine Advice, Thanks to a wacky provision some QAnon-friendly Republicans on the Senate Intelligence Committee snuck into the COVID relief bill, the Pentagon now has to declassify all of their UFO documents on June 1st. That means us UFO nuts have just a few more days to cash in on this before the report reveals what we already know: that it’s all just camera artifacts, Russian drones, and NAVY pilots looking to get discharged by sounding crazy. So far, I’ve appeared on 1,247 podcasts, but because of COVID, there haven’t been any UFO cons to speak at. Obviously, I’m writing a book, but there’s no way I’m going to be able to publish it before June 1st. Sure, the hardcore nutters will still buy it after that, but I won’t get the promotional bump from the mainstream media, which will surely stop its coverage once the report comes out.…
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Divine Advice For Andrew Yang 2

Dear Divine Advice, Recently, I had an epiphany: the best way to win the election for mayor of NYC is to become Mike Bloomberg. So far it seems to be working. Some of my more progressive supporters got a little pissed off about my Israel comments, but what can I say? There are more Jews in NY than Muslims, and the Jews have more money. Of course, my stance on the Middle East has no real policy implications within the city, but it’s an issue that matters to certain donors whose asses I need to kiss, and I said what I had to say for their endorsement. The truth is, I don’t really give a shit about what’s happening over there. My other Bloomberg-like policy idea is a little more consequential and a little more controversial because it’s about crime. The rest of the country might not have noticed this,…
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Divine Advice For Rudy Giuliani 2

Dear DA, Do you think I could pass for a house elf like Dobby from the Harry Potter books? God how I love those books, and I need them now more than ever. Thank God that at least Trump stood up for me, and he’s right. This entire thing is so unfair, just like everything that ever goes wrong for me. The FBI warned me about Russian interference in the 2020 presidential election, and of course I ignored them because they’re a part of the deep state. Then they warned me again and I ignored them again. And then suddenly, out of the blue, they’re raiding my home? Seems kind of suspicious if you ask me. The last time I checked, the President is more powerful than the FBI. Or at least he’s supposed to be. He tells me to jump off a bridge or go to Ukraine to help…
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Divine Advice For Matt Gaetz

Dear Divine Advice, I tell ya, these days, people really love throwing around the phrase “sex trafficking.” Sure, I like to load my underage prostitutes onto a plane and fly them out of the state, but that’s just so I don’t get caught with them when the feds raid my cabin. Now this David McGee character is trying to extort $25,000 from me, and even Donald Trump is letting me twist in the wind. The whole reason I became a Republican in the first place is so sex scandals wouldn’t matter. I know it’s Easter, and you’re busy coming back from the dead and all that, but if you have a spare moment, I could really use your help with this. Thanks in advance, Matt Gaetz, U.S. representative for Florida’s 1st congressional district Dear Matt, If I had a little more notice, I would have let you be the criminal…
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Divine Advice For Brian Kemp

Dear DA, I can’t be 100% honest with the lamestream media, but I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t want Black people, Mexicans, or Asians voting, citizens or not. This country has been going downhill ever since the 19th Amendment. We gave women the right to vote and BAM! Ten years later, the Great Depression, then WW2. We let these “people of color” vote, we’re just asking for WW3, and the economy is already tanking. Now I appreciate ladies and Blacks just as much as anyone, but there’s a time and place for everything. For women, that’s barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, and for Black people, it’s on the basketball court, the football field, the baseball diamond, stand up comedy, boxing, running, and really just about everything, but not voting. For rich Black men who are Republicans and own land, we should officially just declare…
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Divine Advice For Marjorie Taylor Greene 2

Photo credit: marjorietaylorgreene.com

Dear DA, I know a lot of people are trying to cancel me right now, but aren’t we all forgetting about the most fundamental American rights we have? We each have the right to be stupid, hateful, bigoted buffoons. This is what made America great, and what will make America great again. You can’t cancel someone for being a wall-eyed moron. You’d have to cancel over half of the people on earth. What the libtards call bigotry I call loyalty to my people, the real Americans who are white, go to church, and repress their homosexual urges. The way I was raised, if you were born an asymmetrical doofus, you learned to live with it. You didn’t try to do a bunch of fancy book learning just so you could use a slightly cleaner bathroom. I know Jesus has got my warped back on this one. So thank you in…
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Divine Advice For Kimberly Guilfoyle

Dear Divine Advice, I just gave a brilliant speech at CPAC but the only thing people are talking about is that sexy dance I did back in December at the Turning Point USA Convention. If nobody is going to take me seriously anyway, should I just become a stripper? Sure, my face looks like the Michael Myers mask from Halloween, but I do have a delicious booty. At least Don Jr. thinks so. Yours Truly, Kimberly Guilfoyle P.S. THE BEST. IS YET. TO COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P.P.S. Sorry. That was just the cocaine kicking in. Dear Kim, After Kimmy Gibbler on Fuller House, you’re the second most annoying Kim in the world. That’s quite an accomplishment, considering there are still Kim Kardashian and Kim Jong-Un to contend with. For a second, I was wondering what sexy dancing had to do with those machines people strap to their faces when they have sleep…
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Divine Advice For Rush Limbaugh

Dear DA, I get the feeling that I’m dead, and that I’m probably in hell. There are Black people everywhere, and lesbians and they’re all such feminazis. Basically, the lesbians refuse to let me grope them. Also, no Fox News. Wtf? For supposedly old Testament types, you guys really are a bunch of liberal snowflakes. And on my desk every morning, there are reams of “research” about Anthropogenic Climate Change. It can’t possibly be true, but you guys are starting to brainwash me. If this “research” were real, there would be no way that any sane person could possibly deny it. Or is it just that no one is reading it? I know I didn’t. You have to admit, the shit is pretty boring. It lacks the visceral and emotional punch of Fox News. If I’m not enraged, it means someone isn’t doing their job. Also, didn’t I trade my…
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