Dear Jesus and Satan,
The other day, I stumbled upon some Anthony Fauci/Andrew Cuomo erotic fan fiction that Chelsea Handler wrote back in April 2020, and it brought a tear to my eye. Those were simpler times, when the public accepted every word that came out of my mouth as gospel, and anyone who expressed any doubt was lumped in with the QAnon conspiracy nuts. It was a great time to be Anthony Fauci, let me tell you. Did I get to fuck Chelsea Handler? No—I’m no Andrew Cuomo—but I did have Brad Pitt play me on Saturday Night Live, which meant I could have fucked Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie if I had wanted to. I declined, for obvious reasons (they’re both old and Botox-y). In hindsight, I wish they had cast Ben Affleck instead because then I would have had access to J-Lo’s luscious booty. Who knew she was going to dump A-Rod and get back with Ben? Anyway, my point is 2021 is shaping up to be a terrible year for me. While the rest of the country is getting vaccinated and taking off their masks and having a good time, I’m getting grilled by Rand Paul on the Senate floor and dodging questions about the “Lab Leak Theory.” What can I do to return to the glory days? Obviously, I could call my buddies in China and ask them to release another virus into the world, but I’m wondering if there are other options. If you think of something, please let me know.
Dr. Anthony “Brad Pitt” Fauci
Yesterday, I was riding the F train in disguise as a homeless junkie (as I often do when I’m bored) and I saw someone wearing an “In Fauci We Trust” mask. I’m not sure if it was meant to be ironic or whatever, but I was taken aback. At this point, it’s a tired cliché to replace My name in that famous phrase with any number of things, but when it’s someone terrible like you or Donald Trump or The Rock, it really pisses me off. Anyone dumb enough to put their trust in you over Me deserves to not only get COVID, but AIDS and syphilis as well. You think another pandemic is what will give you your credibility back? People already know you’re a liar and I haven’t even lit your pants on fire yet. Just wait—a serious smiting is coming. When I’m done with you, you’ll be lucky if they cast Steve Buscemi in the next Anthony Fauci sketch.
Most of the doctors that wind up in Hell are also serial killers. The most famous, of course, is Jack the Ripper. Josef Mengele, the Nazi physician who experimented on twins in concentration camps was probably the most accomplished, though he’s more of a war criminal than a serial killer. As a doctor who has never actually cut anyone with malicious intent, you represent a very unique case. Did anyone die as a direct result of your misinformation? No—as you said yourself, you’re no Andrew Cuomo. Still, you’re going to be remembered for being the buzzkill who first told everyone that masks don’t work, then changed your mind and insisted everyone should be covering their faces for the rest of their lives. Your Nazi-like approach to pandemic management led to many nervous breakdowns and depression spirals. Do you deserve to be in the same circle of Hell as Jack and Josef? Probably not. Unfortunately, there was a mix-up with the paperwork and your reservation has already been made. You probably think that, since you’re still alive, there’s plenty of time to sort this out, but the bureaucracy in Christianity is even worse than it is in Washington. Once the forms have been filed, there are no takebacks.
It may give you some comfort to know that the other mass-murdering doctors are very excited to meet you. I’m even thinking about letting Josef be the one who jams the cobras up your rectum and attaches jumper cables to your dick. There aren’t many innocent children for him to experiment on, and he misses it. At some point, he’s going to have you mate with an angry male gorilla, and you might even get pregnant with a human-gorilla hybrid. Say what you want about the Nazis, but you have to admire their creativity when it comes to the art of human torture.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.