Tag Archive: Dwayne The Rock Johnson

Divine Advice For John Cena

Dear God’s advice, First of all, please forgive my bad grammar, but this letter was translated from traditional Chinese using Google Translate. Anyway, solve my problem… When promoting my upcoming blockbuster F9: Fast Saga recently, I mistakenly referred to Taiwan as a country. I immediately realized that I had offended our Chinese overlord and publicly apologized in Mandarin and kissed their ass. Kneeling seemed to work. I was not knocked down by lightning, and my career was temporarily saved. The problem is that from that day on, I cannot speak or write in English. I don’t know if I was cursed by a certain Taiwanese wizard or by the ghost of Uncle Sam or Ronald Reagan. Anyway, I was humiliated in front of American friends, and the Chinese people did not respect me. One day, Chinese will become the only language in the world, but before that, I need to…
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Divine Advice For Dr. Anthony Fauci 2

Dear Jesus and Satan, The other day, I stumbled upon some Anthony Fauci/Andrew Cuomo erotic fan fiction that Chelsea Handler wrote back in April 2020, and it brought a tear to my eye. Those were simpler times, when the public accepted every word that came out of my mouth as gospel, and anyone who expressed any doubt was lumped in with the QAnon conspiracy nuts. It was a great time to be Anthony Fauci, let me tell you. Did I get to fuck Chelsea Handler? No—I’m no Andrew Cuomo—but I did have Brad Pitt play me on Saturday Night Live, which meant I could have fucked Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie if I had wanted to. I declined, for obvious reasons (they’re both old and Botox-y). In hindsight, I wish they had cast Ben Affleck instead because then I would have had access to J-Lo’s luscious booty. Who knew she…
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Movie Review: Hobbs and Shaw

Hobbs and Shaw is the gay action-adventure rom-com the entire world has been waiting for, and it comes up big time (pun intended). For everyone wondering what went wrong with Captain Marvel and Titty Titty Gang Bang, pay attention.  We’ve all been “woke” for at least five or six years now, and even most of the non-woke community (a minority we should be allies to, btw) couldn’t care less about who’s sleeping with who as long as all of the participants are consenting adults. We no longer need the communist ethnostate ideology rammed down our throats. What we do need rammed down our throats is a little physics-defying stunt the fringe gay community refers to as The Rodeo Clown, and not only do the leads pull it off like seasoned pornographers, it happens organically. It isn’t in your face until it is, and by then, you want it to be. …
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Divine Advice For Vin Diesel

Dear DA, I try to keep it a secret, but I have a creepy, unfamous twin brother and he’s jealous as hell. How would you feel if there was a guy who looked exactly like you, except handsome, muscular, rich, and famous? You’re in your basement apartment with your normal wife, stuck living life with all the other norms, while your superstud brother is out there making love to The Rock and Charlize Theron. I feel sorry for the guy, it’s gotta be tough being the “other” twin, but this time, he’s gone too far. Last night he slipped in the shower and hit his head and now he thinks he’s Dominic Torreto, the guy I play in The Fast and Furious cinematic universe. He made love to The Rock and let The Rock be on top. Vin Diesel is always the top. I swear to God I could kill…
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Divine Advice For Anita Sarkeesian

Dear DA, Our country is torn apart like never before (except for maybe the Civil War), but our biggest problem by far is sexy female butts in video games. It starts with the video games, but before you know it they’re out on the streets, staring at butts. So many sexy butts in yoga pants and miniskirts, white stockings to the mid thigh, black leather boots just above the knees. They become obsessed with female butts. So much so it becomes the most important thing in their lives. Almost like a crusade. An insane crusade to dominate and constrain the female butt. To tell the female butt where it does and does not belong and how it’s supposed to dress and behave not only in public, but even in the privacy of its own home or bathroom or phone. These butts are unrealistic because they’re too realistic. Most butts don’t…
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Divine Advice For Hulk Hogan

Dear Divine Advice, I’ve always been true to my Hulkamaniacs, sticking to the Four Demandments: train hard, say your prayers, take your vitamins, and always believe in yourself. All of my success—both inside and outside the squared circle—depended on me following these rules. But something has just happened that is causing me to question everything. Yesterday, I saw The Fate of the Furious at the local multiplex. It was an IMAX 3-D version on the biggest screen in LA, and it was awesome. Definitely the best movie I’ve seen since Babe II: Pig in the City. Anyway, last night I had a very upsetting dream about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in which he was pounding my asshole with his huge cock, all the while yelling “Smell what The Rock is cookin! Smell what The Rock is cookin!” When I woke up this morning I was covered in my own jizz.…
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Movie Review- G.I. Joe: Retaliation

I wish this was a review about a movie I made up, but unfortunately G.I.Joe: Retaliation actually exists. True story: a couple of years ago, I was contracted by Hasbro through Kaiju Big Battel to act in a demo film by one of the G.I. Joe toy developers. Apparently, he wanted his latest action figure to appear in the sequel, and that’s how I learned there would be a follow-up to the horrible G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. I doubt that the designer’s toy ever saw the light of day, and I hope nobody but his immediate boss saw the silly movie we made. Luckily I was wearing a ski mask the whole time, so nobody will recognize me if it ever shows up on Youtube. There are some “fat kid with a light sabre” moments in there that aren’t quite absurd enough to be entertaining. Luckily, it was an…
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