Divine Advice for Nicki Minaj

RK Galaga September 20, 2021 0 Divine Advice Anthony Fauci, hydroxychloroquine, ivermectin, Joe Biden, Joy Reid, Met Gala, Nicki Minaj, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Sleepy Joe, Tucker Carlson

Original photo by Pure DOPE Magazine (cropped)

Dear Divine Advice, As you know, my cousin’s friend’s uncle’s other nephew in Trinidad took the COVID-19 vaccine and got swollen testicles which made him impotent. I don’t currently have testicles, but I assume the vaccine will cause me to grow them, and that’s exactly the kind of side effect I’m worried about. Say what you will about ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine, but at least they don’t give you unwanted ballz that don’t even work. I’m afraid our country is becoming like China or Nazi Germany, where famous people aren’t allowed to go on Twitter and ask stupid, uninformed questions that lead to millions of their followers making equally stupid and uninformed decisions, which will exasperate the spread of an infectious disease and lead to hundreds of thousands of deaths. I never told anyone not to take the vaccine, I just told them to do their own research and to pray…
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Divine Advice For Dr. Anthony Fauci 2

RK Galaga June 7, 2021 0 Divine Advice A-Rod, Alexander Rodriguez, Andrew Cuomo, Angelina Jolie, Anthony Fauci, Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt, Chelsea Handler, COVID, Donald Trump, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, J-Lo, Jack the Ripper, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, Josef Mengele, qanon, Rand Paul, Satan, Steve Buscemi

Original photo by NIAID (cropped)

Dear Jesus and Satan, The other day, I stumbled upon some Anthony Fauci/Andrew Cuomo erotic fan fiction that Chelsea Handler wrote back in April 2020, and it brought a tear to my eye. Those were simpler times, when the public accepted every word that came out of my mouth as gospel, and anyone who expressed any doubt was lumped in with the QAnon conspiracy nuts. It was a great time to be Anthony Fauci, let me tell you. Did I get to fuck Chelsea Handler? No—I’m no Andrew Cuomo—but I did have Brad Pitt play me on Saturday Night Live, which meant I could have fucked Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie if I had wanted to. I declined, for obvious reasons (they’re both old and Botox-y). In hindsight, I wish they had cast Ben Affleck instead because then I would have had access to J-Lo’s luscious booty. Who knew she…
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Divine Advice For Timothy Harleth

H. Seitz July 20, 2020 0 Divine Advice Anthony Fauci, Baron Trump, Barron Trump, COVID-19, Don Jr., Donald Trump, Eric Trump, Ivanka, Jesus Christ, Mr. Belvedere, Robert Goulet, Satan, Tiffany Trump, Timothy Harleth

Dear DA, Where to begin. I passed Dr. Anthony Fauci this morning sitting alone in a chair facing the corner, like a kid who was being punished. All that was missing was a dunce cap. According to Dr. Faucci, the President told him he was on a “time out” for getting too excited about COVID-19. According to Trump, no matter how many people are dying, that’s no reason to get “snippy,” and frankly, he’s getting tired of hearing about it. Every morning, it’s COVID-19 this and COVID-19 that. Obviously Dr. Faucci had never been to finishing school, otherwise he would have learned that it’s rude to keep talking about diseases all the time. I also passed Ivanka. She was sitting on an ottoman talking to a can of beans and looked terrified. The Trump boys were playing in their pillow fort as usual. They flip a coin to see who…
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Divine Advice For Anthony Fauci

H. Seitz April 20, 2020 0 Divine Advice Anthony Fauci, Barron Trump, chicken mcnuggets, Donald Trump, Jesus, Keith Richards, McDonald's, Ozzy Osbourne, Popeye, Satan, The Hamburglar, Wimpy

Original photo by NIAID

Dear DA, We all know what a shitshow this has been, and working with “The Donald” has been depressing, disgusting, and confusing. This didn’t get real for him until McDonald’s closed. Once he heard about that, he went absolutely crazy. He demanded I stop the virus immediately and had to be physically restrained from threatening McDonald’s (not the CEO, not the local manager, “McDonald’s”) on Twitter. Fortunately, he’s morbidly obese, and can’t physically exert himself or tantrum for more than a few seconds, but it didn’t end there. He called in the White House chefs and raised absolute hell. He demanded they start cooking McDonald’s food, and at this point, they just shrugged their shoulders and accepted it, and crazier still, the food they made is exactly like McDonald’s, except they don’t have the right wrappers or fry holders, and this also made Trump crazy. He accused them of trying…
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