Divine Advice For AOC 4

H. Seitz August 23, 2021 0 Divine Advice Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Jesus, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Mary, Satan, Ted Cruz

Original photo by nrkbeta (cropped)

Dear DA, Remember Marjorie Taylor Greene yelling at me as she followed me down the hallway? I had tried to bond with her as a woman by talking about The Handmaid’s Tale. Surprise, surprise, she had never read it. She even chastised me for reading anything other than the holy scriptures. I asked her if she read the bills presented before congress and she looked at me like she was baffled. But she had seen the show, and she thought it was real–like it was actually happening in America. At this point, who knows? Maybe she’s right. Still, she shook her head, and I thought we had finally found some common ground. In case you don’t know, the book and the show are about a government of religious zealots who oppress women through constant abuse, defilement, and rape. Marjorie told me she liked the show, but that the government of…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Vladimir Putin 2

RK Galaga July 12, 2021 0 Divine Advice Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Donald Trump, Jesus, Joe Biden, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Robert Kraft, Satan, Vladimir Putin, Wyld Stallyns

Original photo by www.kremlin.ru (cropped)

Dear Icons of Christian Mythology, As the superior man on Earth, I don’t need advice from 2,000-year-old fictional characters but am curious what you think of threats made by American President Joe Biden. He blame Mother Russia for something called “ransomware,” which hurt American economy and cause high beef price. I tell you what I tell him: Mother Russia is not hacking American computers, so it must be the gays from American cities causing the problems. Is always the gays. America always brag because it beat Mother Russia in one little hockey game at 1980 Olympics and one measly cold war in 1989, but Mother Russia still have billions of nuclear missiles which we will gladly trade to Taliban for fancy afghan rugs and maybe some oil. American gays cry because I help Donald Trump become president, but that was five years ago. Controlling American politics is boring now. Now…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Superman 2

H. Seitz June 1, 2021 0 Divine Advice Batman, Jesus, Jor-El, Justice League, Kal-El, Krypton, Kryptonite, Lana Lang, Lara, Lex Luthor, Lois Lane, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Phantom Zone, Satan, Superman

Original photo by Ricardo 清介屋宜 (cropped)

Dear DA, I went into a bookstore a few days ago–I know, I know, I can’t believe any of them exist anymore, either. Anyway, I went in, and I noticed that you guys are in the religion section, while Thor, Zeus, and some of my other pals are in mythology, or fantasy. And I wasn’t even really in the store. There were non-fiction books about me, but no tales of my heroic deeds, which I can live with, but feel is a bit unfair. You guys send locusts and plagues and destroy entire cities for sodomy, while I’ve saved the world more times than I can count, and you can’t find me unless you go into a comic book store. In any case, none of this really bothers me. As Superman, I’m above that kind of pettiness, but it did begin to make me worry. I know you’re planning on…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Marjorie Taylor Greene 2

H. Seitz March 22, 2021 0 Divine Advice Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, CrossFit, Donald Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Playboy, qanon

Photo credit: marjorietaylorgreene.com

Dear DA, I know a lot of people are trying to cancel me right now, but aren’t we all forgetting about the most fundamental American rights we have? We each have the right to be stupid, hateful, bigoted buffoons. This is what made America great, and what will make America great again. You can’t cancel someone for being a wall-eyed moron. You’d have to cancel over half of the people on earth. What the libtards call bigotry I call loyalty to my people, the real Americans who are white, go to church, and repress their homosexual urges. The way I was raised, if you were born an asymmetrical doofus, you learned to live with it. You didn’t try to do a bunch of fancy book learning just so you could use a slightly cleaner bathroom. I know Jesus has got my warped back on this one. So thank you in…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Marjorie Taylor Greene

RK Galaga February 1, 2021 0 Divine Advice Big, Bill Clinton, Bosom Buddies, Dogma, Hilary Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Jesus Christ, Kevin Smith, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Paul Bettany, Philadelphia, Pizzagate, qanon, Satan, The Da Vinci Code, Tom Hanks

Dear Divine Advice, I’m writing to you today to ask for strength. Last night, I watched the movie Big hoping to find secret proof of Tom Hanks’s involvement with QAnon, but the exact opposite happened. Instead, I found myself rooting for Tom and hoping for his safe return to suburban life. In the film, he’s actually a victim of pedophilia, not the perpetrator. I know it’s pretty common for abusers to have been abused themselves, so the story should have actually reinforced the theory. The problem is Hanks was just so damn likable, and it has caused me to question everything. If Q can be wrong about the most Hollywood man in Hollywood, who else could he be wrong about? I woke up in a cold sweat this morning from a dream that I was having a pleasant brunch with none other than Hillary Clinton herself. Hillary Clinton! The worst…
Read more

Share this post:

Tag Archive: Marjorie Taylor Greene