Dear Divine Advice,
Thanks to a wacky provision some QAnon-friendly Republicans on the Senate Intelligence Committee snuck into the COVID relief bill, the Pentagon now has to declassify all of their UFO documents on June 1st. That means us UFO nuts have just a few more days to cash in on this before the report reveals what we already know: that it’s all just camera artifacts, Russian drones, and NAVY pilots looking to get discharged by sounding crazy. So far, I’ve appeared on 1,247 podcasts, but because of COVID, there haven’t been any UFO cons to speak at. Obviously, I’m writing a book, but there’s no way I’m going to be able to publish it before June 1st. Sure, the hardcore nutters will still buy it after that, but I won’t get the promotional bump from the mainstream media, which will surely stop its coverage once the report comes out. The government has been teasing us with little bits here and there, suggesting there might be physical evidence. Even Obama has a “the government knows more than it’s saying” story. The problem is, now that expectations have been raised, everyone’s going to be pissed when it turns out there are no authenticated videos of alien autopsies or pictures of flying saucers on Air Force bases, and then people like me will have even less credibility than we do now. So you see, I really have to strike while the iron is hot.
I’ve come up with a few ways you two might be able to help me:
- Delay the release of the Pentagon’s report, possibly with some kind of national emergency. I was hoping this whole Israel thing might prove useful in that way, but it wasn’t a big enough deal. Perhaps a COVID surge is in order?
- Use your God and Satan powers to help me make a compelling video I can “leak” right after the report comes out.
- Freeze time for four months so I can write my book.
- Write my book for me. If you can create the universe in six days, I’m sure you can churn out a silly UFO book in about 20 minutes.
Whichever one of these you’d most like to do is fine with me. Just give me a heads-up, so I know what to talk about on my next podcast appearance. Thanks in advance.
Luis Elizondo, former director of the Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program
Now that Trump is gone, the lamestream media has nothing to talk about, which is why we’re seeing nutjobs like you on CNN and Fox talking about Martians. It seems like you and Tucker Carlson are best buds these days; it’s adorable. My point is that June 1st will come and go with very little new information, but the news will still be talking about flying saucers until Inauguration Day, 2024 when Caitlyn Jenner is sworn in as the new President of the United States. That gives you four whole years to cash in on this absurd fad.
I guess I shouldn’t be so dismissive. The truth is I have no idea if UFOs are real. The universe is freaking enormous, and I can’t be expected to keep track of every life form I’ve ever created. Do you think Picasso saved all the napkins he doodled on? Some were probably thrown in the trash, and some were probably saved by the waitress who served him his pancakes, only to be stuffed into a trunk in her attic and forgotten about. Had there been eBay back then, things would have been different. Anyway, the point is, I vaguely recall creating some other intelligent bipedal beings somewhere, but I couldn’t tell you where they live or if they have ever visited Earth. I have yet to see anything on your planet that I can’t explain (other than human behavior itself), though to be honest, I haven’t been watching very closely. I only just recently noticed that there’s an American flag on the moon. I know I didn’t put it there, so it must have been you guys.
P.S. I’m not sure if you noticed, but I referred to aliens as “Martians” before, even though any visitors to your planet would obviously not be from Mars. I figured this would be on-brand for you colonial-types who like to refer to Native Americans as “Indians.”
I’ve always been fascinated by this whole UFO phenomenon. Not just the topic itself, but also the way you shysters have been able to prey on those nutters who really want to believe in it. Snake oil salesmen actually have their own circle of Hell.
This brings up an interesting discussion. If these aliens really exist, do they have souls? And if so, how many of them are total assholes worthy of eternal damnation? There are a lot of legal gray areas here, and questions of jurisdiction. Heaven and Hell as we know them are really just for Earthlings—specifically humans (sometimes gorillas are accidentally given souls, but they always end up in Heaven). So what happens if some jerkface from Zeta Reticuli shows up, gets elected President, then commits genocide? Some say this has already happened, but I’ve never been able to spot any of these so-called Reptilians those QAnon wackjobs are always going on about. Anyway, after the alien dies, do I get to keep him, or will he be extradited back to his homeworld so his own Devil can torture him? Or maybe he’d actually be rewarded for killing humans. It doesn’t seem fair, if you ask me, and I think this is what your book should be about.
It sure would be fun cramming cobras up E.T.’s ass, though. Oooouuuch….
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.