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Divine Advice for Sean Penn

April 7, 2022 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Photo by Seher Sikandar

Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m extremely confused. The night after my interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News, I had a wet dream about him. Now I can’t get the bastard out of my head. He’s one of the worst human beings on the planet, spewing hateful, anti-democratic ideas on a nightly basis. I know I’m supposed to hate him—I mean I do hate him, but… You could never know how truly handsome he is until you’re sitting directly across from him. If I’m being honest, I always thought he had this Cary Grant thing going on, but the small screen doesn’t do him justice. In person, this man truly smolders. As we talked about Zelenskyy and Putin and the Russian invasion, I noticed a half chub forming in my pants, but at the time I thought I was just nervous. The truth of the matter is I was falling…
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Divine Advice For Rupert Murdoch

May 7, 2018 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , , ,

G’day Mates! This is embarrassing. Even for an 87 year old man worth over 15 billion dollars, it’s embarrassing. By some bureaucratic blunderpuffin, I didn’t realize I founded Fox News. All these years, I thought I owned CNN. So I’ve been watching CNN for the last 20 some odd years. The reporting is first rate, mate. Or at least second rate. They aren’t deliberately malicious at least. They try. But I thought they could do better, and I sensed a slight liberal slant. So at every quarterly meeting, I’d tell them (or at least I thought it was them) “Great job, mates! But there’s still a bit of a liberal slant. Try to even it out a bit. Now off ya go!” So year after year, I kept telling them this, until I finally got it all sorted about a year ago. A few months after your Donald Trump was…
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