Dear Jesus and The Devil,
After Spotify chose ratings and corporate profits over the truth, I realized there’s only one thing I can do to save America from all the deadly misinformation: I have to fight Joe Rogan. He has accepted my challenge, though, for some reason, I get the sense that he thinks I’m only kidding. Still, I’m planning on being at the “octagon,” (whatever the hell that is) at the agreed-upon day and time, ready to rumble. If he chooses not to show up, well then, the world will know that he’s nothing but a big ole’ coward.
After reading his Wikipedia page, I see that he’s a black belt in a bunch of martial arts and is probably pretty good at fighting. I kind of wish I had read that before issuing the challenge, but it’s too late to back out now. Do you think you guys can train me? I may be old and brittle, but I… well, that’s it, really. That’s what you’d be working with. Anyway, you guys are magic and stuff, so with you in my corner, I think I can pull this off.
Dear Neil Young,
If you want to know what I’m like as a trainer, talk to James “Buster” Douglas. No, I didn’t train him for his fight against Mike Tyson, where he shocked the world by overcoming the 42-1 Vegas odds and knocking out the best boxer in the world. I trained him for his next fight, against Evander Holyfield fight, eight months later. You know, the one where he showed up 15 pounds overweight, was slow as molasses, went down in the third round, and retired immediately afterwards. Don’t let the statues of me that you see in churches fool you— I’m not actually big on fitness, and those abs of steel you always see me with are a result of starvation, not exercise. Trust me, if they had Hostess CupCakes back in my day, I would have been a bearded version of the Buddha.
The truth is, when you have magic powers like I do, you tend not to see the value in lifting heavy things or running fast or breaking a sweat. I mean, why would I ever swim when I can walk on water?
So, yeah, good luck against Joe Rogan. For your sake, I hope he doesn’t show up. On the other hand, I’ve always wanted to hear “Rockin’ in the Free World” live. And I know just the venue, too. Have you ever played in an infinite white void before? The acoustics are better than you’d think.
Dear Neil Young,
I have to say, I’m more than a little disappointed in you. There was a time when you were actually a champion of free speech. People got pissed at you for criticizing President Bush for being a war hawk, but you didn’t back down. Now, it looks like you’ve been brainwashed by the woke cancel culture goons. I keep trying to tell you clowns that deplatforming people who disagree with you isn’t going to stop misinformation from spreading, and will probably make things worse. It’s just going to push people deeper into their cultural bubbles and prevent them from hearing what could be the truth (depending on which bubble they’re in). That ultimatum you gave Spotify would have been hilarious if it wasn’t so sad. I mean, who do you think you are, Taylor Swift? Even she knows better than to do what you did. Joe Rogan has millions upon millions of listeners, meanwhile, you haven’t been relevant in over a decade. If you really want to go toe-to-toe with him, go on his podcast. See if you can handle having an actual conversation with someone before you go and assume you know what they’re all about.
Of course, if you still really want to kick Joe’s ass, I can make that happen. I can give you the powerful hands of Mike Tyson and the super-fast feet of Bruce Lee, all for the low, low price of your soul. That still won’t solve the misinformation problem, but it’ll be fun to watch.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan