Divine Advice for Matt Damon 9

Dear Divine Advice,

Who the hell is this Jesse Plemons character? He keeps stealing roles from me, and even worse, people are mistaking him for me! I mean look at the guy, all bloated with his potato-shaped head, puffy cheeks, and disgusting beer gut. I do all of my own stunts (well, some of them) and that guy couldn’t jump over a fire hydrant.

I just did a google search of the guy and my name and picture come up with his–people think we look alike.

This is the worst day of my life.

Katy Perry and Zooey whatsherface, I can see the resemblance. Except for the knockers, they’re basically the same person, and all hot women look the same to me because I’m progressive. I don’t see color or gender, only hotness. I’m so progressive I support fucking mannequins, because it’s more environmentally friendly than building sex robots. You get a good solid mannequin, you’re set for life, and all you need is a few wigs and padded bras to pretend it’s a different mannequin. There’s no need for more than one mannequin, and progressive guys like me share mine like carpooling. Ben and I also swap wives, that’s how enlightened we are.

The thought of Jesse Plemons with my mannequin or J-Lo just makes me sick. Please, you’ve got to do something to stop this guy.

Sincerely,
Matt Damon


Dear Matt Damon,

It seems like all of you late-90’s Boston hunks are being replaced by uglier, less interesting doppelgangers. You have Plemons, Mark Wahlberg has Ike Barinholtz, and Ben Affleck has Robert Pattinson. That last one is controversial because Pattinson is way better-looking than Ben, but he’s obviously a much worse Batman. This upgrade phenomenon is occurring in the comedy world, too, although some of these changes are definite improvements. I’ll take Bill Burr over Denis Leary any day, for example.

To be honest, I’m looking forward to the Good Will Hunting remake, starring Plemons and Pattinson. I just hope Plemons wears that stupid mustache he sometimes has, because it’ll make seeing him in an elite college setting all the more ridiculous. I wonder if they’ll try to put his girlfriend in the Minnie Driver role. It’s that pumpkin-headed chick… what’s her name… Kristen Dunce? She’s a total idiot, which is why she’ll be hilarious as a pre-med undergrad at Harvard.

Plemons might be more believable as the next Jason Bourne. I mean, if they could replace you with Jeremy Renner, why not? And while we’re at it, let’s see Plemons in a Talented Mr. Ripley television spin-off, and maybe a The Martian sequel, which I think should take place on the surface of the sun. And they should shoot on location. If they’ll have me, I’d like to work on that production, possibly as the DP or script supervisor. I know what you’re thinking—humans can’t survive on the surface of the sun, because it’s too hot. Well, that’s where I come in. As God, I can suspend any laws of science that I want, so as long as the studio gets on board, I can make this happen. Actually, maybe we should shoot the Bourne movie and the Good Will Hunting reboot there as well. Nobody has ever shot a movie on the sun before, so anything we do is bound to get some Oscar attention.

Maybe you can even be a producer on it…

—Jesus Christ


Dear Matt Damon,

As the universe’s foremost designer of sex robots, I can say with confidence that mannequins aren’t nearly good enough for today’s lonely bachelor or unhappily-married shlub. That shit might have worked in the 20th century, but, thanks to super high-res VR porn, nobody has an imagination anymore. Men need robots that look and sound exactly like their favorite movie starlets, and that takes an artist’s attention to detail. I am that artist.

It’s not just about the aesthetics; your argument concerning the environment isn’t valid either. I mean, have you ever seen a mannequin with all of its limbs? Those missing arms and legs have to end up somewhere, and it’s usually wedged in the blowhole of a humpbacked whale or crammed into a hobo’s stolen shopping cart next to plastic bags full of discarded clothes that couldn’t fit into the Planet Aid recycling box. Meanwhile, my sex robots are powered by garbage, just like the flux capacitor in Back to the Future II. All you have to do is stuff a rotten banana peel into the mechanical woman’s mouth, press the “on” button, then immediately follow the peel with your rock-hard cock. I guarantee it’ll be the best blow job you’ve ever had, or your money back. And if you’re willing to let my sex robot company sponsor your podcast, I’ll be willing to send you three free bots to test drive.

Wait… do you even have a podcast? Maybe I should be talking to Rogan. He likes modern technology.

—Satan

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan

H. Seitz
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