Divine Advice for Buzz Aldrin

H. Seitz October 11, 2021 0 Divine Advice Apollo 15, Apollo 16, Apollo 17, Buzz Aldrin, Buzz Lightyear, Charles Duke, David Scott, Ed Wood, Edwin Eugene Aldrin, Elon Musk, Harrison Schmitt, Jesus, Lance Armstrong, Miley Cyrus, Neal Armstrong, Neil Armstrong, Pokemon, Satan, Tim Allen

Dear DA, I’m writing this letter on behalf of David Scott (Apollo 15), Charles Duke (Apollo 16), and Harrison Schmitt (Apollo 17). All of us have been on the moon and we’re all still alive thanks to moon radiation, but Dave, Charlie, and Harry are well aware that the young people today are more concerned with their Miley Cyrus and Pokemon–whatever the hell those words mean–than men who have actually set foot on the fucking moon. Before we go, we wanted to set a few things straight for that weaselly Elon Musk fellow. The guy sounds like he was squirted out of a moose pimple and some idiot named it. Maybe he would have made it as an astronaut if not for his caved-in chest and his rickets, but I doubt it. Back in my day, people had the sense to know that just because a feller was rich didn’t…
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Divine Advice For Mr. T

H. Seitz December 21, 2020 0 Divine Advice Brad Pitt, Facebook, Instagram, Jesus, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Mr. T, Nancy Reagan, New York Times, Nicholas Kristof, Pornhub, Santa, Satan, TikTok

Dear DA, What the hell is wrong with my Pornhub? Almost everything I bookmarked is gone, and people are saying this shit is permanent? Now I’m back on xvideo and YouTube, but it just ain’t the same. Who’s responsible for this? Because I’m going to find the sucker and punch him so hard he wakes up a fetus back inside his mama’s womb, afraid to come out for another whoppin’. I can be a reasonable man, despite all the bullshit I’ve had to live through. You ever have Nancy Reagan sit on your lap? It feels like two ostriches are stabbing into your thighs with their beaks. Give me back my damn Pornhub! Sincerely, Mr. T Dear Mr. T, Your problem is a little hard for me to relate to since, as God, the whole world is my “Pornhub.” My Holy x-ray vision can see into every bedroom, parked car,…
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Divine Advice For Taylor Swift 2

H. Seitz May 14, 2018 0 Divine Advice Ben and Jerry's, Billy Ray Cyrus, CrossFit, Jesus, John Mayer, Kanye West, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Nicki Minaj, Satan, Taylor Swift, YouTube

Dear DA, I’m incredibly hot for someone who looks inbred. Maybe that actually adds to my hotness, the whole cousin-marryin’, age-of-consent-ignorin’, wish-there-was-still-slavery charm of the south. I know slavery is wrong, but it’s kind of awesome to have slaves. Nowadays we call them personal assistants, but most of them are unpaid interns, so technically, they’re slaves. I whip mine when they move too slow and a few of them seem to get off on it. Have you seen my video for Delicate? I do a split on the hood of a car like Tawny Kitaen. It’s awesome! I also run around NYC barefoot, which in real life would be suicidal. Anyway, I’ve had a lot of petty feuds. A lot of them. And there’s a saying, that if you run into one asshole, they’re the asshole, but if everyone’s an asshole, you’re the asshole. But in my case, I think…
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