It took us 7 hours to decide how or who to address this letter to, which is actually kind of a record for us as far as quickness and decisiveness. We wanted to be inclusive, so some of us wanted to list all the religions or deities still presiding over America, but we didn’t want to leave out the atheists or agnostics or offend anyone with the order, especially the Muslims. There’s no way to do this ecumenically and inclusively without sounding like nationalist extraterrestrials (Dear People of America), so we just copied Taylor Swift and went with Dear DA.
It seems like it should be unthinkable, but the one thing we all agree on is that Trump is going to be re-elected and we’re all going to lose. Just look at us. Trump is a lousy president and an even worse human being, but he’s good at summing up people and showing why we’re all just terrible. We have weird hands guy, crazy old man guy, crazier old man guy, sugar tits (another crazy old man), Pocahontas, and half a dozen more “Never heard of him”s. It’s pitiful.
We have no message, shady pasts, and are all hypocrites, and the only hot Latina maybe lesbian is too young. Any one of us would put her on the ticket, but look at us. What hot young Latina maybe lesbian would want to hang out with us? She might be too young to be Vice President anyway. That’s how little we know about policy.
All we know is that Trump is appalling, but he’s so appalling it’s getting old. We have to come up with something else to say. Even just a catchy slogan, and we’ve got nothing. You say “crazy hands guy” and people who might vote know who you’re talking about, but he has no name recognition. He’d be better off putting “crazy hands guy” on the ballot.
We have less than three years, so we need some help pronto. Anything you could give us would be great. Policy would help, but a slogan would be even better. How about “Make America The Greatest Yet Again!”?
The Democratic Party
Dear Democratic Party,
The other night I had a wet dream about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Do you know how long it had been since my last wet dream? Let’s put it this way, it was of Cleopatra back when she was in her prime. Not the real Cleopatra—I was only -30 years old then—I’m talking about Liz Taylor. Anyway, ever since my AOC dream, I haven’t been able to get her out of my head. I keep watching that clip of her dancing from back when she was in college. It makes me feel naughty, yet elated. I think I’m in love.
So you guys know her—what do you think? Do I have a shot with her? I’ve been celibate for my entire existence, so I don’t have a lot of game. And she’s so damn confident and sassy. I don’t even know what I’d say to her. Like what do we even have in common, you know? And she’s so focused on her career right now, I’m not even sure she’d have time for me. And any Christian will tell you; I’m a pretty needy guy. When I’m not someone’s number one priority, they tend to end up in Hell. I’d hate for AOC to end up in Hell…
Although now I’m picturing her as a sexy demon wearing black fishnet stockings, a tight leather corset, stroking her fiery red tail like it’s a cock…
Damn. I need a cold shower.
Anyway, good luck with the 2020 election. You’re gonna need it.
The way I see it, you really only have one shot in 2020—bring back Hillary. Everyone loves Hillary, man. Trust me. Trumpsters still won’t shut the fuck up about her, that’s for sure. Think about it—who has more charisma, more integrity and more relatability than Hillary? She’s the type of old lady that would tell her granddaughter she’s too fat, then pluck the chocolate bar right out of her little hands. And let’s not forget about Hillary’s sex appeal. I know that type of thing shouldn’t matter, but let’s face it—this is just the world we live in (nobody’s more upset about it than I am). People like to talk about her emails and the child trafficking ring she ran out of her pizza shop, but that stuff had nothing to do with her loss. She lost because of those damn pants suits. If she had just sexed it up a little, she would’ve mopped the floor with that giant Oompa Loompa. This time around, all she has to do is wear bikinis to all debates, public appearances and rallies, and the election is in the bag. Now, I ask you: who (besides maybe Bill) wouldn’t want to see Hillary Clinton in a bikini? She’s a fit, no-nonsense silver fox with gams ‘til Tuesday.
2016 was a fluke, I tell ya. Go with Hillary.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.