Divine Advice for Matt Damon 11

H. Seitz August 9, 2021 0 Divine Advice A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez, Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Harvey Weinstein, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, Laura Bush, Lebron James, Matt Damon, Michael Jordan, Satan, Space Jam

Original photo by Georges Biard

Dear DA, Well, I’ve stepped in it again. A guy from Boston admits he says the “F” word, what a shocker! I admitted my daughter taught me it’s wrong (I still don’t quite buy her argument) and I’ve agreed not to say fa-the “F” word anymore. See? I’ve learned and grown, and people are still shitting on me. Thank God (or I guess You) I didn’t admit to all the other awful slurs I say on a daily basis. My main excuse is that I’m from Boston and I’m getting old. You say horrible shit for the better part of 50 years, it’s hard to change. Have you been to NY? I hear the n-word 10 times a day, people there say it casually, but none of them are Matt Damon, so they don’t get crucified online. There are other famous people out there who have literally killed people, where’s…
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Divine Advice For Obama

H. Seitz January 27, 2020 0 Divine Advice Al Gore, Barack Hussein Obama, Eleanor Roosevelt, Eyes Wide Shut, Hillary Clinton, Jesus, Laura Bush, Mary Todd Lincoln, Melania Trump, Michelle Obama, Princess Diana, Satan

Original art by R. Klemek

Dear DA, Some very important information has been brought to my attention. According to the current President of the United States, the former President of the United States was actually a Muslim Kenyan Terrorist. He lied about his birth certificate, religion, and just about everything else you can imagine. He was even a part of the “climate change hoax,” though I can assure you that he had no idea it was a hoax, but as President of the United States, he should have known, so I honestly don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he didn’t know, or the fact that he unknowingly went along with it. I wish that was all, and as much as I hate the idea of possibly implicating anyone else, I feel it is my due diligence to report that this ex-President’s wife has been alleged to be a pre-op transsexual. I give you my…
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Horoscopes For 1.11.19

H. Seitz January 11, 2019 0 Horoscopes Beverly Cleary, Count Dooku, Diddy, Dido, Eliza Dushku, Eratosthenes, Gem and the Holograms, Holly Madison, J. Edgar Hoover, Jennifer Aniston, Jimi Hendrix, Joan of Arc, Kurt Warner, Laura Bush, Leonardo Da Vinci, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mr. Krabs, Nicola Tesla, Popeye’s limited-time-only deep fried soft shell crab, Ram 1500, Rosamund Pike, Sebastian from The Little Mermaid, Taylor Swift, Vanna White, Virgin Mary, Zooey Deschanel

Famous Capricorn Eliza Dusku Original Photo by Glenn Francis

Aries It’s great that you feel less stressed out, but there’s a difference between resolving your problems and deciding to ignore them. Your sister is still waiting for you to post bail (she stopped calling because that myth about getting just one phone call is kind of true–you get one chance to make a bunch of calls after you’re first processed, then another chance in a week or so, then more chances and privileges as you learn the ropes). Your high blood pressure isn’t going to “decide to bother someone else” just because you refuse to give it attention. That works with girlfriends and puppies, but not with medical issues. Famous Rams: Kurt Warner, Ram 1500 Taurus The only reason you have any “friends” is because you’re too oblivious to get the hint that nobody likes you. Your employer and all of your coworkers didn’t just “forget” to tell…
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