Divine Advice for Matt Damon 11

Dear DA,

Well, I’ve stepped in it again. A guy from Boston admits he says the “F” word, what a shocker! I admitted my daughter taught me it’s wrong (I still don’t quite buy her argument) and I’ve agreed not to say fa-the “F” word anymore. See? I’ve learned and grown, and people are still shitting on me.

Thank God (or I guess You) I didn’t admit to all the other awful slurs I say on a daily basis. My main excuse is that I’m from Boston and I’m getting old. You say horrible shit for the better part of 50 years, it’s hard to change.

Have you been to NY? I hear the n-word 10 times a day, people there say it casually, but none of them are Matt Damon, so they don’t get crucified online.

There are other famous people out there who have literally killed people, where’s the heat for them? Laura Bush killed someone because she blew through a stop sign, but you never hear about that. No, you only hear about when Matt Damon says a curse word.

I feel like a pus—the “p” word—for not even having the guts to complete these curses anymore. I think it’s why my Tourette’s syndrome is getting worse. Some neighborhoods, screaming “Monkey!” is the worst thing you can possibly say.

I’m not a meanspirited guy, but I’m becoming one. You admit something, you apologize, you let people know you’ve changed, and they still crap on you.

I can’t wait until I’m an old man and can say whatever I want with impunity, or maybe even kill someone with my car. “That’s just crazy old Matt Damon, his mind went years ago.” It’ll be like a second childhood.

Sincerely,
Matt Damon
PS: I’d ask for advice, but with climate change, COVID, etc., these people can go fuck themselves. They should not be worrying about what Matt Damon is saying. Maybe humanity just deserves to die.


Dear Matt Damon,

Long time no see. I believe you have a few more chins than you did last time. They look good on you. Anyway, maybe other people don’t understand what you’re doing here, but I do. You dropped the “F” bomb to distract everyone from your much bigger sin: The Great Wall. In a time where people have zero attention spans while somehow managing to hold grudges for things someone said before they were even born, it’s hard to know what type of offense will get you canceled first. I would have guessed cultural appropriation/doing an offensive accent/ playing into the white savior trope would be considered the worst thing you’ve ever done, but I was wrong. It’s ironic, because there was a day when your biggest mistake would have been the gay sex with Ben Affleck, and now it’s almost like the opposite is true. It’s worse not to have gay sex with Ben Affleck. Technically, once your dick goes into a man’s asshole, you should be allowed to use the “F” word whenever you want, but unfortunately for you, the goalposts have been moved. It’s no longer enough to pack a little fudge once in a while; you have to actually identify as “LGBTQ” or whatever.

Hey, didn’t they recently add a letter? Is there a “V” or something at the end there now? That’s what Satan said, but he could’ve just been fucking with me again. He does that.

So now, I guess you’re wondering if there’s any way back for you. As a rich white man below the age of 75, you’re 10 times less likely to be forgiven than any other demographic. Add to that the fact that you’re a liberal, and it goes up to 15 times. The way I see it, you only have two choices: 1) donate your entire fortune to the LGBTQV cause du jour, or 2) divorce your spouse and marry Batfleck. The second choice is by far the least painful, but now that Ben has somehow managed to reconnect with J-Lo, it’s going to be difficult to sell him on it. I mean, he’s not the one who dropped the “F” bomb, so why should he have to give up that luscious booty?

—Jesus Christ


Dear Matt Damon,

I agree with what Jesus says on the matter, and I think I have a plan for you to win over Ben. I won’t go into detail here, but it involves fucking A-Rod to make both Ben and J-Lo jealous. Now, I realize that, as a Red Saux fan, you may not like the idea of ramming the A-Rod, but if being forgiven by the Twitterverse means that much to you, you’ll put on your big boy pants and get it done. It won’t be easy, mind you. A-Rod has his fair share of prospects, and let’s face it—he’s totally out of your league. Your only chance will be the fact that every somewhat handsome athlete secretly wants to be a movie star, and as a Hollywood insider, you have to keys to make his dreams come true. So basically, what you’ll do is make the baseball version of Space Jam and write the Michael Jordan/Lebron James part specifically for A-Rod. At this point, you’ll have to tread carefully. If you attempt an old-fashioned casting couch maneuver, you’re likely to end up in Weinstein territory, which is an even worse position than you’re in now. And you can’t get him drunk or stoned either. You’ll have to find a balance between flirting and playing hard to get so that he comes to you. If you make another deal with me, I can fix your chin and add three inches to your cock, which should be enough to seal the deal.

Good luck.

—Satan

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz

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