Tag Archive: Sylvester Stallone

Divine Advice For John Cena

Dear God’s advice, First of all, please forgive my bad grammar, but this letter was translated from traditional Chinese using Google Translate. Anyway, solve my problem… When promoting my upcoming blockbuster F9: Fast Saga recently, I mistakenly referred to Taiwan as a country. I immediately realized that I had offended our Chinese overlord and publicly apologized in Mandarin and kissed their ass. Kneeling seemed to work. I was not knocked down by lightning, and my career was temporarily saved. The problem is that from that day on, I cannot speak or write in English. I don’t know if I was cursed by a certain Taiwanese wizard or by the ghost of Uncle Sam or Ronald Reagan. Anyway, I was humiliated in front of American friends, and the Chinese people did not respect me. One day, Chinese will become the only language in the world, but before that, I need to…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Terry Bradshaw

Dear DA, Have you seen my new commercial ? It’s for a bathtub that has a door in the side like a submarine so you can waltz right in like a sea captain, and there’s a built in chair and a cup holder, too! The thing is amazing, and it isn’t just for old people. If you’re obese, paraplegic, or just good old-fashioned lazy, it’s the tub for you. I like to soak in there with the latest issue of the Reader’s Digest. The quotable quotes are my favorite. It’s like a paper version of a listicle. Here’s one from bestselling author J.K. Rowling. Anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve.    Well I’ll be a mutherfucker. If only I had known. And check this one out from hard rocker Jon Bon Jovi. Success is falling nine times and getting up ten. That’s good enough to be in a Rocky…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For AOC

Dear DA, Once I again, I’m the victim of the patriarchy. It’s ageism, pure and simple. They say I’m too young and I don’t know anything, but I’ve learned a few tricks from them. You may have noticed my new “glasses girl” look. Men are all perverts. If you’re a cute girl, anything you do is a fetish. If I ate a banana, I’d be “banana girl.” As “glasses girl”, I’m a double-whammy. I look smarter, and I’m also a fetish. People are pretty stupid to begin with, but if you sexually distract them, they become dumber than marionettes. As myself, I’m already a force to be reckoned with, but as “glasses girl”, I just might be unstoppable. Also, can you believe the nerve of that bitch Laura Ingraham trying to tell me how to pronounce my own fucking name? I’m not some pretentious hipster saying “Barthelona” instead of “Barcelona”,…
Read more

Share this post:

Superhunks for the 80’s: Tom Cruise

Hunks come and hunks go, and all too many try to stick around long after their 15 minutes are up and their pecs are down. But some, like Schwarzenegger and Stallone, manage to defy father time and mother nature just enough to keep filling up the theaters. Old, broken down, and in some cases, downright creepy (Stallone’s strange hairline and old man muscle in Rocky 6 made him look like a Frankenstein’s monster of tucks and toupees from the 80s), they still have that special something that separates them from the pack. So it isn’t just the oil and the muscles, and it’s more than just a steamy stare. The material certainly helps, but there’s more to it than just that, as the wrong stud could turn a classic into a joke. Could you imagine Raiders of the Lost Ark starring Tom Selleck? Or Rocky starring Burt Reynolds? There’s a…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Johnny Depp

Dear DA, Somehow my life of drinking, smoking, drugs, gunplay, gambling, spousal abuse, and general irresponsibility has led me to ruin. I’m broke, I’m alone, and I’ve been marked as a wife beater, which is probably the worst thing of all nowadays. Despite all of the problems she caused me, I still miss Amber. Have you seen how hot she is? Do you know what’s it like to have a woman that hot and then not have her? It’s worse than never having her in the first place. I’m not lying about her punching me in the face, but what I failed to mention is that I get off on it. It reminds me of growing up with my mom. My mom used to beat me with belts and shoes, she even threw a toaster at me once. I know this is no excuse for anything, but I want to…
Read more

Share this post: