As promised, I will speak to all Americans, especially those who didn’t vote for me, and I’m going to start right now.
I know that Trump’s election had nothing to do with racism (LMAO), but look on the bright side. For the next four years, you can bash Kamala Harris as much you want, for whatever reason. Most of you won’t say the “N” word at least not in public, but we all know you’re thinking it, and I’m not even sure she’s black. All I know is that she isn’t white, and from what I can tell, that’s good enough for you.
Just wait another eight years until AOC is president. She’ll give you healthcare and income equality, or at least she’ll try, but you’ll want to murder her because she’s Mexican. Or Guatemalan? Whatever, it doesn’t matter.
We’re back to the status quo bitches! I got a chick who’s basically going to be doing my job for me, and isn’t that what America is all about?
Let me talk straight, right from Old Uncle Joe to you. I’m a one-term president, so I might as well come clean. Tara Reade’s story is total bullshit. The only people I’ve ever sexually assaulted are thousands of young catholic boys, which I did before I turned 25. If you haven’t guessed by now, my entire political career has just been a part of my cover in the Catholic Priest Protection program.
I know what you’re thinking. If I’m supposed to be incognito, isn’t it risky to be the President of the United States? Well, the truth is, nobody ever expected me to get this far. If I had just remained on the county council in New Castle County, Delaware like I was supposed to, nobody would have ever heard of me. Now that I’ve somehow stumbled into the oval office, the Pope is more or less relying on the “hide in plain sight” strategy. Of course, I’ve blown it by confessing here, but what’s he gonna do about it? Fight me? Sure, the Vatican has plenty of stolen Nazi gold, but they have zero nukes.
Eight years you say? Mark my words, AOC will run for president in 2024 and she’ll win. She turns 35 on October 13 of that year, getting in there just under the wire. I’m counting down to her presidential eligibility like those perverts were counting down for Natalie Portman’s 18th birthday. It’s less creepy when I do it because it isn’t sexual. Well…it’s a little sexual, but I’ve always been a “do as I say, not as I do” type of deity.
Sure, it’s not going to be easy moving Kamala aside to make room for AOC. Kamala’s a nice establishment politician who doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers by doing things the American people actually want. That’s her only qualification, but it’s enough for Nancy Pelosi and the rest of the corporate democrats. Kamala will personally lick the asshole of every single Goldman Sachs employee from janitors to governing board members. While she’s at it, she’s going to guzzle the cum of everyone over at Pfizer, Johnson & Johnson, and Bristol-Myers Squibb. I know you’ve already licked and guzzled enough to get your administration through the next two years, which is when you’re going to step down and check yourself into a nursing home. That means Kamala will be the sitting president in 2024 and that means AOC will have to primary her.
Good thing that little Puerto Rican spitfire has God on her side. My first order of business is to make Kamala obese. She won’t even appear at a press conference without a Snickers in hand, and she’ll be photographed with so many buckets of KFC that she’ll replace Trump as their mascot. At first she’ll be doing it ironically to mock him, but eventually, she’ll develop a genuine lust for junk food. Once she looks like Nell Carter, it’s just a matter of exposing her contempt for the white working class, which will be easy enough given her policies. So then we’ll have a fat, angry, elitist up against my beautiful, sweet angel in the primaries. AOC will cruise to the party nomination, sealing the deal before they even get to South Carolina. Then it will be on to the general election, where she’ll beat Don Jr. in a landslide.
This may seem like a long shot, but so far I have never created a stone too heavy for me to lift. I guess there’s a first time for everything.
This is a little awkward to say, but, uh, your check bounced. That is to say the soul you promised me for rigging the election seems to be missing. I know I’m not supposed to collect it until you die, but I see that, even though you’re technically still alive, it appears to be missing from your body. I’m hoping it hasn’t been misplaced or that—Devil forbid—you haven’t given it to someone else. You certainly wouldn’t be the first politician who tried scam me like that but trust me, it never ends well. Ask JFK. I was that second shooter behind the grassy knoll, plus I was the one who guided Ozwald’s shaky hands to make sure he actually hit something from that book depository. I bought Kennedy’s soul for a full 8-year term plus unlimited sex with Marilyn Monroe, but then he went behind my back and traded it to Nixon for one night of passion with Pat. The most insulting part was he thought he would get away with it. Now, I currently don’t know where your soul is, but you best believe I’ll find it eventually. I’ll give you until inauguration day to get it back for me, and if you don’t, well… let’s just say you won’t live to regret it, but you’ll regret it nonetheless.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.