Divine Advice For Rudy Giuliani

Dear DA,

I still know Trump is going to win and everything is going to be fine. But just in case, what do you think about Scientology? I know you have to start at the bottom, by cleaning Tom Cruise’s cars and some other weird shit, but for a guy like me, there might not be a lot of other options left.

From what they tell me, I sign over all my assets, which at this point, isn’t all that much. For Trump, as his lawyer, I think it’d be a massive win. He gets a new job cleaning hubcaps and they get his billions of dollars of debt. Still, as a tax-exempt “religion,” I think this could work out for all of us.

Trump is practically a cult leader as it is. You put these two massive cults together and BAM! Trump 2024. Or Cruise-Trump 2024.

I hear they have a great Taco Tuesday, and I know they have bad reputation as far as brainwashing, kidnapping, etc, but honestly, they’d be doing both of us a favor.

I’m about to pull the trigger on this. What do you think?

Rudy Giuliani

Dear Rudy,

Honestly, I have a lot of respect for those Scientology folks. They run a tight ship, and I think Christianity—especially Catholicism—could learn a thing or two from them. Sure, maybe they have a reputation for being a little aggressive, but for all their foibles, there’s not a lot of pedophilia going on over there and they’ve never had a crusade or inquisition. They just have a bunch of blood-sucking lawyers that go on the offensive whenever anyone calls them a cult or challenges their tax-exempt status. I’d say Scientology is a perfect fit for you.

And there may be even more of an opportunity than you think. John Travolta is already gone, and Tom Cruise is either going to kill himself doing Mission Impossible stunts or quit the church himself, which leaves a great big void in the Scientology hierarchy. Sure, they still have Beck and Kirstie Alley, but neither of them is relevant anymore. Trump would make an ideal King of Scientology because he has no ideology of his own and has already demonstrated a willingness to give lip service to whatever dogma or mythology gains him the most support. There’s literally nothing he won’t do for attention. And he’ll like it way more than being president because all he has to do is be rich and rile up the base during conferences. It’s all of what he enjoyed about the last four years, minus the headaches of daily briefings and policy meetings. And since they banned Scientology in Germany, he’ll never have to be in a room with that nasty Angela Merkel again.

—Jesus Christ

Dear Rudy,

Sure, Scientology is cool and all, but you know what’s an even cooler cult? Satanism. While Scientology has some of the hottest actresses in Hollywood, most of them are aging terribly and getting hideous plastic surgery that makes them look like The Joker. In Hell, all the women are soul-less, ageless demons that can appear however they want. Some of them are actually former movie stars themselves that made deals with me to look hot forever.

Now, you and your boss are already slated to come to Hell because of all the shit you’ve done, but if you join my cult while you’re still on Earth, things will go a lot easier for you once you get here. Will there still be cobras in the rectum? Of course. However, you’ll get Sundays off from torture, you’ll get twice daily bathroom breaks during Human Centipede Wednesdays, and you’ll get to participate in the tortures of your political enemies. The best part is, once every millennium, you get to take leave on Earth where you’re allowed to indulge in as many deadly sins as you can cram into a weekend.


Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz
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