Dear Divine Advice,
People in the media have been giving me the business because of my supposed “relationship” with Jeffrey Epstein. The truth is, I barely knew the guy. Did he advise me to leave my battle-ax bitch of a wife? Yes, but it was more or less the same kind of advice you get from a bartender or stranger on a plane, and when he offered to console me with underaged prostitutes, I said absolutely not—at least not until my divorce was finalized. That woman took enough of my money as it was, and the last thing I needed was to be sued for violating the infidelity clause of our prenup.
Of course, the main reason for my association with Epstein is that he was donating generously to the Bill Gates Foundation. I’m the second richest man in the world, so why did I need Epstein’s money? That’s a question that I still don’t have an answer for. I guess I just figured hanging out with a convicted pedophile was the best way to win a Nobel Peace Prize. This might seem counter-intuitive, but Obama won twice after bombing the shit out of Afghani civilians, so I thought I had a real shot.
Anyway, none of this should matter anymore because Epstein is dead. As everyone knows, he killed himself while under surveillance at a maximum-security prison in a manner that was in no way suspicious. I’m sure if he were alive today, he’d gladly state on record that he didn’t have any compromising photos of me or information that would in any way threaten my fortune or global status.
My question is, now that he’s gone, what is the best way for me to win a Nobel Peace Prize? Should I allocate more money to my killer drone program? It will delay my trip to Venus by a few years, but it will be worth it.
The whole idea of the Nobel “Peace Prize” is absurd. They should hand it out at the Razzies. Rumor has it that, in order to make the competition more subjective, they’re going to start choosing the winner solely based on body count. So far, Biden’s in the lead for 2021 because of that completely necessary drone strike which only killed civilians, including several young children. Numbers-wise it doesn’t compare to anything Obama did, but Biden gets points for not hitting a single member of Isis. If you want to compete with this, I suggest crashing your space shuttle into Delhi. I know Delhi isn’t as big as Tokyo, but Japan has already had to deal with a major catastrophe, so it should be someone else’s turn. How Truman got snubbed after dropping the big ones is still a point of contention. Anyway, there are other things you can do, too. Most people already think you’re tampering with COVID vaccines, so you may as well lace them with rattlesnake venom. That’s a way cooler supervillain move than a boring ole’ crash or explosion.
Epstein’s tragic “suicide” maybe have prevented his deep, dark secrets from getting out into the world, but down here in Hell, he sang like a little pedophilic bird. Given that I have access to the entire Earth 24 hours a day, I didn’t expect any surprises, but he told some pretty interesting stories that I had never heard before. For instance, did you know those prostitutes he hooked you up with and then helped you murder had AIDS? Not just HIV, but full-blown. They would have died within 10 months, and since they couldn’t speak English anyway, it looks like you got your hands dirty for no reason. Not that I expect it to matter to a guy like you. Murdering poor people is like swatting mosquitos. Of course, the real issue here is you probably have AIDS now, too. Who would have thought you and Charlie Sheen would have so much in common? By the way, he’s been knowingly putting people at risk for HIV for 10 years, which makes him a strong contender for the Nobel Peace Prize. You better get your ass in gear if you want to beat him.
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