Dear DA,
What happened to me? For awhile, I was everywhere. Nobody really wanted to see me, but there I was. I was even in a Die Hard movie. Live Free or Die Hard. What the hell happened?
Mary Elizabeth Winstead was in Live Free or Die Hard, too. She played Bruce Willis’s daughter. I could have had her, but I didn’t think she was famous enough for me. How the hell could I have been so stupid? She’s the kind of girl you marry no matter what. You know she’s going to ruin your life, but it’s worth it. Have you seen what she looks like in her panties? You get to see her in her panties in 10 Cloverfield Lane. It’s a terrible movie, but it has Mary Elizabeth Winstead in her panties. I bet you’re googling her right now. Now you’re typing “panties” after her name and hitting the images filter. I think I’m going to kill myself.
Bruce Willis told me that I was like anti-charisma. That people like him wanted me in their movies because I make them look that much better in comparison. He’s kind of a jerk and I thought he was wrong, or maybe just kidding, but you know what? I’ll take it. Please let me have my old life back!
I went to a fortune teller yesterday and she told me I was going to end up being a waiter at The Olive Garden. I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack.
I couldn’t get into any of the bars I used to go to, so I ended up in this bar sitting next to Kirk Cameron. This is where my career is. Kirk fucking Cameron. He could tell I was feeling down, so he tried to convert me. From Mary Elizabeth Winstead in her panties to Kirk fucking Cameron talking about Jesus. I got so angry I got into a fight with him, and I lost. I lost a slap fight to Kirk Cameron. He told me I’d never work in this town again, that not even the Hallmark Channel would touch me. He screamed at me that he is the Hallmark Channel, and I swear to God, lightning flashed behind him when he said it. I was terrified. Of Kirk Cameron.
What can I do? There’s got to be someone who’ll put me in a movie. I’ll do anything except porn. Well maybe porn if I have to, but not gay porn. Not unless I really have to. Just please help me. I can’t be a waiter at The Olive Garden. People will ask me if I’m that guy–you know, that kind of bland looking guy who was in that movie?, and I don’t think I could handle that.
Help me!
Justin Long
PS: I forgot my name for a second when I tried to sign this letter. I actually forgot my own fucking name. Am I really that forgettable? This is a nightmare. You can’t put a man next to Mary Elizabeth Winstead and then just snatch her away. I should have listened to my parents and become an accountant.
Dear Justin,
It must be tough looking like you do while having the same name as Timberlake, Bieber and Trudeaux. The name Justin is what the name Corey was in the 80’s. It comes with a lot of expectations, and I’m sorry to say, you haven’t met them. My recommendation is to hit the steroids, hit the gym and get jacked. It will probably freak people out, but at least they’d be talking about you again. Hey, it worked for Carrot Top, didn’t it? If you get cut enough, maybe you can be the next Wolverine. It sure would take the heat off of Robert Pattinson. The internet has been merciless to him ever since they found out he was going to be the new Batman.
The alternative to getting jacked is to get really, really fat. I’m not sure why, but I can see you as the next Dom DeLuise. Cannon Ball Run Dom DeLuise, with that cap and mustache. Or, better yet, Robin Hood: Men in Tights Dom DeLuise with the frilly shirt.
Honestly, though, I’m afraid you peaked in the Mac commercials. And even then, you were playing second fiddle to John Hodgman.
Really, would being an Olive Garden waiter be so bad? Especially if you pretend that you’re not actually Justin long, but just someone who really looks like him. People will get a kick out of that. Plus, free breadsticks!
—Jesus Christ
Dear Justin Long,
Not to rub salt in the wound, but I figured I should remind you that Mary Elizabeth Winstead went on to work with an even dorkier guy in a much more relevant movie and looked even better in her bra and panties when she made Scott Pilgrim vs. The World with Michael Cera. That guy gets weirder and weirder looking every year, yet somehow he keeps working and getting chicks. I say “somehow” like I don’t know exactly how he’s doing it.
The fact is he made a deal with me, and I think you might want to consider doing the same. Not only would you be able to win back Mary, I can also guarantee with 100% certainty that you are the next Wolverine. Disclaimer: I can make you Wolverine, but I can’t make the internet love you. Even a genie can’t do that, and I’m no genie. I auditioned for the genie role in the live-action Aladdin movie, but it didn’t go well. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have shown up naked to the casting call, but I was just trying to demonstrate that I can actually make my skin blue without make-up and can do all that body morphing without the need for CGI. I figured if they saw how much money they could save, I’d move to the top of their list. But apparently, Will Smith can do those same things. And, just like me, he has a 12-inch barbed cock, although that wasn’t crucial for the role. But it could have been—if they had used the script I wrote. Sure, it wouldn’t have been a shot for shot remake per se, but it would have captured the spirit of the original while also including some hardcore sex for the adults. I mean, if you can’t get Robin Williams, there’s no point in trying to make it exactly the same.
Did I mention how good Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s pussy tastes? It’s like baklava—flakey pastry on the outside, dripping with honey on the inside. Make a deal with me and you’ll be having baklava every night.
—Satan
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