Tag Archive: Justin Bieber

Divine Advice For Justin Long

Dear DA, What happened to me? For awhile, I was everywhere. Nobody really wanted to see me, but there I was. I was even in a Die Hard movie. Live Free or Die Hard. What the hell happened? Mary Elizabeth Winstead was in Live Free or Die Hard, too. She played Bruce Willis’s daughter. I could have had her, but I didn’t think she was famous enough for me. How the hell could I have been so stupid? She’s the kind of girl you marry no matter what. You know she’s going to ruin your life, but it’s worth it. Have you seen what she looks like in her panties? You get to see her in her panties in 10 Cloverfield Lane. It’s a terrible movie, but it has Mary Elizabeth Winstead in her panties. I bet you’re googling her right now. Now you’re typing “panties” after her name and…
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Review: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

“Rats and thunder, wind and hail, send the kids back in the pail.” It was recently announced that Hollywood is planning to remake The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, so I thought I should write a review of the original. I always felt this film was underrated and under-appreciated. It was released in only three theaters across the country, and it never even made its money back in video sales. Apparently, it was recently released on Blu-ray, but the executive who pushed for this has since been fired out of a cannon towards the sun. Given that the sun is extremely hot, the guy probably died. From the start, Garbage Pail Kids was marred with production issues, not the least of which involved star McKenzie Astin (Samwise Gamgee’s half brother) and a nasty case of explosive diarrhea. In hindsight, it might have actually furthered the plot if they had kept those…
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