I’ve led a charmed life, especially for a former child actor. People were offering me blow and prostitutes by the time I was 14, and it was really difficult to say no. To be honest, I didn’t say no all the time. What 15 year old boy could turn down an 8-ball with a Sunset Strip whore? But I didn’t end up dead or crazy or a religious freak like Kirk Cameron, so it’s probably all for the best.
But if we’re being completely honest, I’m still a little bit jealous of Kirk Cameron. He was always on the cover of Tiger Beat and really blew up in a way I never quite did. They had me on a few times, too, but it always felt like I was subbing for someone else. The same with Teenwolf, Too. Michael J. Fox says no and they need another bland white kid, so they call Jason Bateman. “Mr. Everyman” is what they used to call me. You need some typical looking white kid and you can’t afford Matthew Broderick, you call Jason Bateman. He’ll do anything. He even did Teenwolf, Too.
And it’s the same now. I came this close to being Batman, but they chose Christian Bale instead. The only reason I got my part on Arrested Development was because that Doogie Howser guy said no. Am I really worse than him? Really? He looks like an anthropomorphized penis.
I know this isn’t going to sound very “woke,” but I think it’s because he’s gay or bi or whatever he is. Kirk Cameron is also gay, which is why he’s such a hardcore evangelical. And he’s getting all these leads in crazy religious movies. People knock him for it, but a lead is a lead, and they don’t even bother to ask me. Jason Bateman is just too vanilla, even for a Christian movie. Mr. Everyman is just too bland and heterosexual. Too even-keeled. He probably only fucks in the missionary position with the lights out (this is actually true, but how could they possibly know?).
I should be Batman! I should be the annoying religious freak who saves Christmas! I have range. It’s called acting for a reason, and I’m a pro. I can do more than just play empty suits.
What can I do to get out of this rut? And if I can’t, how can I murder Kirk Cameron and Doogie Howser and get away with it? If Valerie Harper is still alive, I might as well kill her, too. If I could frame Kirk Cameron for the murders, it’d be even better. I’d love to watch that little pansy squirm, and he’s just dying to go to prison, to be anally penetrated “against his will.” God do I hate that little twerp.
Jason “Everyman” Bateman
Dear Jason Batman,
The only thing keeping you from being Batman is that “e” in your last name. But it’s also the only thing keeping your sister Justine from being Batman. She’s your real competition. It’s too bad more people aren’t aware that you suggested to the producers of Arrested Development that she play your love interest in one episode. Not exactly your love interest but someone you hit on. All in an attempt to tell a meta-joke that would make people uncomfortable. The producers chickened out and had your character realize she was your estranged sister just in time so you wouldn’t fuck her. Still, making a reference to incest was a ballsy way of trying to be less vanilla.
Unfortunately, you can’t solve all your problems by killing Valerie Harper. Sure, it worked to save that shitty sitcom you were on in the late 80’s, but that was just dumb luck. In the 3,126 parallel universes where you do actually kill her, you end up getting raped and murdered in prison by Neil Patrick Harris. Ironically, he’s not even gay in those universes—he’s exactly like the version of himself he plays in the Harold and Kumar movies. Boy, those movies would have been a good get for you. At the time they were filming the first one, NPH was just a washed-up sit-com star like you. And now look at him.
My advice is to hook up with Randal Park and Ali Wong and see if you can be the Keanu Reeves in their next Netflix rom-com. You aren’t good-looking enough, but maybe they can work around that. Thanks to Arrested Development, you already belong to Netflix, so you do have that going for you. But you should act fast because your archenemy Candice Cameron also belongs to Netflix. And she just recently became available when Fuller House got canceled, thanks to Aunt Becky blowing those college admissions officers or whatever she did. Interesting fact: Candice and Kirk are actually the same person. Somehow neither Valerie Bure nor Chelsea Noble has figured this out yet.
p.s. If you’re going to kill anyone, try Sandy Duncan. That only saves your career in one parallel universe, but who knows—it could be this one.
After you took over for Michael J. Fox in the Teen Wolf franchise, you should have taken over another one of his roles: fucker of your sister! That’s right—the cast of Family Ties used to get down. Not Tina Yothers of course, because she was too young. But the rest of them were animals. They invited me to an orgy once and it was one of the best sexual experiences of my entire existence. Meredith Baxter Birney really knows how to work the balls. But I’m sure the cast of The Hogan Family had equally amazing orgies…NOT!
Seriously, though, Mallory Keaton is all kinds of freaky. She used to do this thing where she stuffed beads in her anus and then somehow pulled them out of her mouth. Now that’s some David Copperfield shit right there. And her pussy is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It sparkles like the Twilight vampires. And she gushes when she cums. I mean like a fire hose. Did you know that she almost never wears panties? She said panties make it too difficult for her to finger herself while she’s driving.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan