Tag Archive: Xenu

Divine Advice For Val Kilmer

Dear Divine Advice, Eventually, we all become whatever Tom wants us to be. This Top Gun reboot or sequel or whatever it is is either going to kill me or save my life. Tom demands that I get back in shape, and not just decent shape for a guy my age shape, Ice Man shape. Ice Man had glutes on top of his glutes and an extra set of shoulders instead of a neck, he could walk around in nothing but a skimpy bath towel and still be intimidating. The only thing afraid of me now is the sundae bar at Friendly’s. They should make a restaurant with an all-you-can-eat buffet and a sundae bar. Have you ever had a hot fudge sundae topped with mini egg rolls and duck sauce? The Golden Buffet has their “endless” chocolate fountain, but that’s a joke. How is five gallons “endless”? I figure…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Tom Cruise

Dear Divine Advice, Ever since I jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch, the world thinks I’m crazy. Outwardly, I’ve been able to project an image of myself as ultra confident, but the fact is, the things people are saying are really starting to hurt my feelings. I’ve prayed to Xenu many times, and, to be honest, he doesn’t really have anything helpful to say. He keeps telling me to be patient, and everyone will love me again once Top Gun II comes out. But I can’t wait that long. So guys, what can I do? How can I win back the love of the nation? Sincerely, Tom Cruise Really? We’re doing another one about Scientology? Shit. Well, I guess when Tom Cruise writes in, we can’t exactly ignore him. Ok, here goes… Dear Tom Cruise, You’ve come to the right place. Xenu’s not a bad guy, but let’s be…
Read more

Share this post: