Tag Archive: Betty White
The Skull Island Times > Betty White
H. Seitz
June 3, 2019
Divine Advice
Albert Einstein, Anton LaVey, Betty White, Bram Stoker, Cheerios, David Hasselhoff, J.K. Rowling, Jason Momoa, Jean Grey, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Jon Bon Jovi, Lady Gaga, Magneto, Micro Machines, Passion story, Plastic Man, Reader's Digest, Rocky, Satan, Shakespeare, Storm, Sylvester Stallone, Terry Bradshaw, Thanos, The Satanic Bible, Thor
Dear DA, Have you seen my new commercial ? It’s for a bathtub that has a door in the side like a submarine so you can waltz right in like a sea captain, and there’s a built in chair and a cup holder, too! The thing is amazing, and it isn’t just for old people. If you’re obese, paraplegic, or just good old-fashioned lazy, it’s the tub for you. I like to soak in there with the latest issue of the Reader’s Digest. The quotable quotes are my favorite. It’s like a paper version of a listicle. Here’s one from bestselling author J.K. Rowling. Anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve. Well I’ll be a mutherfucker. If only I had known. And check this one out from hard rocker Jon Bon Jovi. Success is falling nine times and getting up ten. That’s good enough to be in a Rocky…
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H. Seitz
June 18, 2018
Divine Advice
Betty White, Bruins Human Centipede, Donald Trump, Estelle Getty, Golden Girls, Guantanamo, Guinness Book of World Records, Jesus Christ, Michael Cohen, Raisin Bran, Red Sox, Rose, Rudy Giuliani, Saag Paneer, Satan, Scarface, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Terminator, The Godfather, Yankees
Dear DA, I’m screwed. You know the people who when they were kids were always misquoting movies? Who’d tell the same dumb joke or say the same stupid catchphrase over and over again and laugh every time? That kid was me. I’ve always been kind of a wannabe. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cowboy. Living with nature among all of God’s creatures, sleeping under the stars and cooking beans over a campfire, all of that stuff sounded awful to me. But being able to shoot Indians or Native Americans or really anyone (but it’s easier to get away with it if they’re brown) would have made all of those hardships worth it. Like a lot of college guys, I went through my “The Godfather” and “Scarface” phase. I would repeat those lines about cannolis and saying hello to my little pal to everyone. I was…
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