Tag Archive: Donald Trump
The Skull Island Times > Donald Trump
H. Seitz
July 20, 2020
Divine Advice
Anthony Fauci, Baron Trump, Barron Trump, COVID-19, Don Jr., Donald Trump, Eric Trump, Ivanka, Jesus Christ, Mr. Belvedere, Robert Goulet, Satan, Tiffany Trump, Timothy Harleth
Dear DA, Where to begin. I passed Dr. Anthony Fauci this morning sitting alone in a chair facing the corner, like a kid who was being punished. All that was missing was a dunce cap. According to Dr. Faucci, the President told him he was on a “time out” for getting too excited about COVID-19. According to Trump, no matter how many people are dying, that’s no reason to get “snippy,” and frankly, he’s getting tired of hearing about it. Every morning, it’s COVID-19 this and COVID-19 that. Obviously Dr. Faucci had never been to finishing school, otherwise he would have learned that it’s rude to keep talking about diseases all the time. I also passed Ivanka. She was sitting on an ottoman talking to a can of beans and looked terrified. The Trump boys were playing in their pillow fort as usual. They flip a coin to see who…
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H. Seitz
July 6, 2020
Divine Advice
Abby Hornacek, Ainsley Earhardt, Ann Coulter, Britt McHenry, Carley Shimkus, Dana Perino, Donald Trump, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Gretchen Carlson, Heather Nauert, Jesus, Jillian Mele, Kat Timpf, Katie Pavlich, Kayleigh McEnany, Kellyanne Conway, Laura Ingraham, Laurie Dhue, Martha MacCallum, Megyn Kelly, Satan, Shannon Bream, Suzanne Scott, Tomi Lahren, Trish Regan
Dear DA, I know that we’ve had our differences, but you’ve got to admit that you were impressed when I said, with a straight face, that Trump “is the most informed person on planet Earth when it comes to the threats that we face.” Technically, Trump is one of the biggest threats we face, so you could argue that I was actually telling the truth since Trump knows himself better than anyone, but you’d be wrong. The only test of self-awareness Trump passed was the mirror test, and he yelled at the mirror that it was fake news. The way he is on TV isn’t an act, and all of the worst things you’ve heard about him are absolutely true. He tries to grope me every day, and he keeps calling me Ivanka and accusing me of being a fickle tease. I understand that the conspiracy theories of willfully ignorant…
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H. Seitz
June 1, 2020
Divine Advice
Amy Klobuchar, Andrew Yang, Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Beyonce, Bringing Down the House, Derek Chauvin, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, Eve, Garden of Eden, Gene Wilder, George Floyd, Jell-O, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Kirsten Gillibrand, Pocahontas, Silver Streak, Skittles, Steve Martin, Tulsi Gabbard
Original photo by David Lienemann
Dear DA, When I was 14, I lost a game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a chicken, and as humiliating as it was, it was the reality check I needed. If only Trump had had a pet chicken during his formative years, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess, but I hear he’s terrified of birds. Hates them with a passion unless they’re in McNugget form. As dumb as I am, I just can’t deny reality. Reality, in my opinion, is more than hard enough, even if you’re trying to pay attention to it. But there are smart people out there. Did you know that if you concentrate hard enough, you can always force a tie at Tic-Tac-Toe? I can’t do it myself, but one of the generals told me, and then he showed me how! I forgot immediately, but I remember him doing it, and just because I can’t do it…
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H. Seitz
May 25, 2020
Divine Advice
Bill Ford, Donald Trump, Jesus, Mitch McConnell, Satan
Dear DA, For the record, no, Trump did not wear a mask. For him, I think you’d need a gentle leader or a muzzle. Or maybe a choke chain. Trump is worse than my Golden Retriever Zippy. Not only did he refuse to wear a mask, he kept licking the bumpers and chewing on the seats. He said robots made the cars anyway, and robots can’t get the virus, right? And if they can, you should hire better robots. If I seemed exasperated when I spoke with the press, it’s because I was. I asked him to put on his mask at least a half dozen times, to stop playing with the machines and pushing all the buttons. I was this close to hitting him with a rolled up newspaper, but he’s somehow the President, and I don’t think I’m allowed to. I’ve never met another human being like him.…
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RK Galaga
May 11, 2020
Divine Advice
Another 48 Hours, COVID-19, Donald Trump, Ellen DeGeneres, Geico, hydroxychloroquine, Jenny McCarthy, Jesus, Judy Mikovits, Nick Nolte, plandemic, Satan, The Prince of Tides
Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m considered by “many” to be one of the most accomplished scientists of my generation. Yes, I was arrested for stealing lab equipment, but it’s a much better story to say I was arrested for undermining our corrupt institutions by telling the truth about vaccines. And that truth, of course, is vaccines are made from donkey jizz and they cause autism and turn people into draculas and probably do a bunch of other bad stuff, too. Our own government (or the Chinese government or aliens or whoever makes the most compelling scapegoat) created this plandemic known as COVID-19 (or the China virus or the Kung Flu or whatever name stirs up the most controversy) as a way to control us and keep us from getting the life-saving haircuts we so desperately need. I’ve done the best I can to educate the world through Youtube videos and…
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H. Seitz
May 4, 2020
Divine Advice
AOC, Benjamin Button, Charlie Brown, Donald Trump, Ewan McGregor, George Takei, Jesus, Jim Caviezel, Leonardo Da Vinci, Madonna Litta, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, Neil Patrick Harris, Obi Wan Kenobi, Passion of the Christ, Phil Donahue, RuPaul, Satan, Sofía Vergara, The Phantom Menace
Dear DA, If Phil Donahue and Charlie Brown had a Benjamin Button style old-man baby, that would be me, so I have to do whatever I can to look tough, no matter who I might put in danger. You ever have a cat that was afraid to go outside? So whenever he did, he would puff out his fur to make himself look big and tough, but really he just looked ridiculous? I was talking to mommy (that’s my pet name for my wife) and she told me that no matter how silly or sick I might feel, there’s no turning back now. I have to keep getting up and putting on my hair and face just like mommy, and if mommy can do it, so can I, because I’m her special little old-man baby. I try to be brave, but I’m still afraid. There are just so many mysteries,…
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H. Seitz
April 20, 2020
Divine Advice
Anthony Fauci, Barron Trump, chicken mcnuggets, Donald Trump, Jesus, Keith Richards, McDonald's, Ozzy Osbourne, Popeye, Satan, The Hamburglar, Wimpy
Dear DA, We all know what a shitshow this has been, and working with “The Donald” has been depressing, disgusting, and confusing. This didn’t get real for him until McDonald’s closed. Once he heard about that, he went absolutely crazy. He demanded I stop the virus immediately and had to be physically restrained from threatening McDonald’s (not the CEO, not the local manager, “McDonald’s”) on Twitter. Fortunately, he’s morbidly obese, and can’t physically exert himself or tantrum for more than a few seconds, but it didn’t end there. He called in the White House chefs and raised absolute hell. He demanded they start cooking McDonald’s food, and at this point, they just shrugged their shoulders and accepted it, and crazier still, the food they made is exactly like McDonald’s, except they don’t have the right wrappers or fry holders, and this also made Trump crazy. He accused them of trying…
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RK Galaga
April 13, 2020
Divine Advice
Andrew Yang, AOC, Bernie Sanders, Don Jr., Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Ivanka Trump, Jesus, Joe Biden, Satan, Tulsi Gabbard
Dear Characters from Christian Mythology, As you know, I suspended my presidential bid this week, and my supporters are none too happy about it. They blame the Democratic establishment for marginalizing our progressive values, undermining our revolution, and conspiring against my campaign. Obviously, they’re right. The problem is Donald Trump is still our president and he’s making things worse every second of every day. How can I convince my tribe of Bernie Bros that Joe Biden may be a creepy hair-sniffing fossil with dementia, but we still need him to win in November? It might take another four years for the country to get it’s head out of it’s ass, but we don’t have that kind of time. Sincerely, Bernie Sanders Dear Bernie, It’s adorable that you still think there’s going to be an election in November. Anyway, there’s only one way to keep your disciples from losing hope—you have…
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H. Seitz
April 6, 2020
Divine Advice
Andrew Cuomo, Bill de Blasio, Chris Cuomo, Donald Trump, Jesus, Satan
Dear DA, It’s been brought up before and no one took it seriously, but it’s time for NY to secede. I’ve been lauded lately for telling the truth and speaking to the citizens of NY like they’re adults, and while I appreciate it, the 13-year-old girl who lives inside of me (she lives inside all of us) is like what, really? The bar is, like, really that low? Even CNN and the NY Times gush over Trump every time he manages not to shit himself or comes across as somewhat coherent. Basically, any time he comports himself as well as an average child, he’s finally “presidential.” And his approval ratings are going up. All those hicks in the sticks, who are supposedly against the federal government redistributing taxes, you know what? I’m starting to agree with them. I’m tired of NY paying for roads and schools in Alabama and Oklahoma…
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H. Seitz
March 30, 2020
Divine Advice
CNN, COVID-19, Donald Trump, Grim Reaper, Mitch McConnell, Moscow Mitch, NBC
Dear DA, I look like a bald ferret with no chin, and have a personality to match! I’m well aware that I’m going to hell, but maybe we can make a deal? What I can do, every bill from now on, I’ll keep adding slush funds for you. I know it didn’t make it this time, but it usually does. America is the best. A first world country that pays third world wages. And when the going gets tough, it’s every man for himself. It’s like that all the time actually, I get mine and you go fuck yourself, but especially during a crisis. What I want from you, in return for those slush funds, is to give Trump back his supporters. They’ve been strangely quiet. It’s almost as if this entire COVID-19 thing forced them to face reality, and maybe even question their core beliefs. If you think this…
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