Divine Advice For Mike Pence

H. Seitz May 4, 2020 0 Divine Advice AOC, Benjamin Button, Charlie Brown, Donald Trump, Ewan McGregor, George Takei, Jesus, Jim Caviezel, Leonardo Da Vinci, Madonna Litta, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, Neil Patrick Harris, Obi Wan Kenobi, Passion of the Christ, Phil Donahue, RuPaul, Satan, Sofía Vergara, The Phantom Menace

Original photo by Gage Skidmore

Dear DA, If Phil Donahue and Charlie Brown had a Benjamin Button style old-man baby, that would be me, so I have to do whatever I can to look tough, no matter who I might put in danger. You ever have a cat that was afraid to go outside? So whenever he did, he would puff out his fur to make himself look big and tough, but really he just looked ridiculous? I was talking to mommy (that’s my pet name for my wife) and she told me that no matter how silly or sick I might feel, there’s no turning back now. I have to keep getting up and putting on my hair and face just like mommy, and if mommy can do it, so can I, because I’m her special little old-man baby. I try to be brave, but I’m still afraid. There are just so many mysteries,…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Katy Perry

H. Seitz December 10, 2018 0 Divine Advice Ariana Grande, Elf, Ewan McGregor, Katy Perry, Keisha, Kevin Spacey, New Girl, Obi Wan Kenobi, Russell Brand, Thanos, The Phantom Menace, Zooey Deschanel

Dear DA, I started out as a blow-up sex doll my father bought from a little porn shop in Santa Barbara, but I prayed really hard and a magic fairy turned me into a real little girl. This made things really awkward for my family, especially my dad. They’re all like super religious, but like most religious people, they’re also enormous hypocrites, so everything worked out alright in the end. At least until now. No one cares about Katy Perry anymore. I was worried about those Japanese sex robots. You know how the Japanese love karaoke? It’s only a matter of time before they build a karaoke machine into a sex robot and BAM!–you basically have Katy Perry or Keisha or any of us really. But it turns out I’m already obsolete. I guess I should be grateful I made it as long as I did. I am 34, which…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Average Joe (Matt Damon in Disguise)

H. Seitz April 2, 2018 0 Divine Advice Arnold Schwarzenegger, Attack of the Clones, Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Child's Play, Chucky, Ewan McGregor, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, Matt Damon, Obi Wan Kenobi, Revenge of the Sith, Satan, Star Wars, Stuck On You, The Phantom Menace, We Bought a Zoo

Dear DA, I feel like I kind of monopolize you guys. I keep writing in and you must be sick of me. So this time I’m wearing a disguise so you won’t know it’s me. I’m just an average everyday guy asking an average everyday question that all guys can relate to. If you were in love with Ben Affleck for 25 years but stuck in the friendzone, how would you get yourself out? I’ve tried everything. Exercise, cocaine, spandex, orgies. I figured I might be able to sneak in during an orgy, but the Bat Cave is well guarded. I call it the Bat Cave because like most average guys, the guy I have a crush on played Batman in a major motion picture. You’ve gotta help me. I’m not getting any younger. Truth be told, I’m actually already 67 years old. All those Bourne movies where I’m muscled…
Read more

Share this post:

Tag Archive: The Phantom Menace