Dear Jesus and Satan,
I’m considered by “many” to be one of the most accomplished scientists of my generation. Yes, I was arrested for stealing lab equipment, but it’s a much better story to say I was arrested for undermining our corrupt institutions by telling the truth about vaccines. And that truth, of course, is vaccines are made from donkey jizz and they cause autism and turn people into draculas and probably do a bunch of other bad stuff, too. Our own government (or the Chinese government or aliens or whoever makes the most compelling scapegoat) created this plandemic known as COVID-19 (or the China virus or the Kung Flu or whatever name stirs up the most controversy) as a way to control us and keep us from getting the life-saving haircuts we so desperately need.
I’ve done the best I can to educate the world through Youtube videos and interviews with extremist media outlets, but everyone who’s not crazy seems to be ignoring me for some reason. This evil Dr. Fauci needs to be stopped, and if nobody will listen to me, then it’s up to you guys. Please turn him into a pillar of salt and make me the new star doctor that everyone listens to and admires. I saw they got Brad Pitt to play Fauci in an SNL sketch. Given that I’m the new face of the anti-vaxxer movement, maybe you can convince them to have Jenny McCarthy play me.
Anti-vaxxers may consider you to be the new Jenny McCarthy, but if you ask me, you look more like Nick Nolte. I watched as much of your youtube interview as I could stomach, which was just the 15-second Geico ad than ran before the video played. Did you know 15 seconds can save you 15% on car insurance? True story. Anyway, the lady interviewing you was kind of hot in a Juliana Margulies sort of way, but once you appeared on screen, all I could think about was The Prince of Tides and Another 48 Hours.
Unfortunately, I have very little influence over what Lorne Michaels decides to do on SNL, but even if I could, I don’t think I would help you out here. Not after all the damage you’re doing. It’s a crazy time down there on Earth and the world doesn’t need hacky scientists like you making things worse by spouting bullshit medical advice. Do you realize the president of the United States told people they should drink bleach? Do you realize some of his idiot supporters actually took his advice? Believe me, this is not a train you want to get on because it leads straight to Hell.
I get it—you’re just trying to make a living as an anti-vaxxer because you failed as a scientist. When I failed at being a lawyer in New York City, I became the Devil, ruler of Hell. Our stories couldn’t be more similar, which is why I’m totally rooting for you. But fuck being the next Jenny McCarthy—that’s thinking too small. Instead, why not set your sights on being the next Alex Jones?
Some might say you don’t have the charisma to pull it off, and they’re right. But I’ll let you in on a little secret. Alex Jones didn’t have the charisma either until he did two things: 1) He started licking cane toads. That’s what inspired the whole “turn frogs gay” rant he’s so famous for. 2) He made a deal with me. That second thing is super important because I have a lot of influence up there. All you have to do is sign over your soul to me, and you’ll be Ellen DeGeneres in Nick Nolte’s body, which will make you unstoppable.
Of course, there’s always a catch. After a successful life on earth intentionally misinforming the public for profit, it will be time to pay the piper and fulfill your end of the bargain. Ever have smallpox? No of course not, because vaccines exist. Well, guess what you’re going to come down with on your very first day in Hell? You’ll start immediately with late-stage symptoms, including painful lesions on the throat and tongue that rupture and ooze the virus into your mucus. Don’t worry, though, because it’ll clear up by the next morning, just in time for the measles to set in. Normally, the measles would be a walk in the park compared to smallpox, but you’re going to have the kind that comes with seizures, blindness, and inflammation of the brain. The third day is polio, which features an extra special bonus round where FDR bends you over his wheelchair and rams metal crutches up your ass. Every day will be a new terrible disease that could have easily been prevented by all those evil vaccines you worked so hard to discredit. Good times!
p.s. You’re right about one thing. I put hydroxychloroquine on my cereal instead of milk every single morning and I’ve never had a virus in my life.