Tag Archive: Harvey Weinstein
The Skull Island Times > Harvey Weinstein
H. Seitz
August 9, 2021
Divine Advice
A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez, Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Harvey Weinstein, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, Laura Bush, Lebron James, Matt Damon, Michael Jordan, Satan, Space Jam
Dear DA, Well, I’ve stepped in it again. A guy from Boston admits he says the “F” word, what a shocker! I admitted my daughter taught me it’s wrong (I still don’t quite buy her argument) and I’ve agreed not to say fa-the “F” word anymore. See? I’ve learned and grown, and people are still shitting on me. Thank God (or I guess You) I didn’t admit to all the other awful slurs I say on a daily basis. My main excuse is that I’m from Boston and I’m getting old. You say horrible shit for the better part of 50 years, it’s hard to change. Have you been to NY? I hear the n-word 10 times a day, people there say it casually, but none of them are Matt Damon, so they don’t get crucified online. There are other famous people out there who have literally killed people, where’s…
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H. Seitz
February 3, 2020
Divine Advice
Comic Book Guy, Harvey Weinstein, Rose McGowan, Salma Hayek, Simpsons, Snoopy, Terry Crews
Dear DA, I’m nearly 70 and look about 100, like a half-inflated Snoopy balloon. Have you seen me shuffling in and out of court all hunched down and broken over my walker? I can’t even lift one entire foot off the ground anymore. This ordeal has taken a toll on me. At first, I was faking the shuffling and drooling, but I’ve got to tell you, the collective wrath of a small portion of people on Twitter and Facebook is really demoralizing, even for a self-centered bastard like me. The thing is, we’re all self-centered bastards, including all the chicks I banged. They wanted to be stars and were willing to go through me to make their Hollywood dreams come true, quid pro quo. I won’t live to see any of the legal ramifications of my actions, and looking back on this sordid adventure, it was worth it. At first,…
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H. Seitz
September 16, 2019
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Batman, Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus Christ, Judas, Kevin Spacey, Kraken, Matt Damon, Poseidon, Satan, Wayne's World
Dear DA, I notice you chastising people for not asking questions, while at the same time you never bother to answer any of the questions anymore anyway. As a Catholic, I completely understand religion being full of hypocrisy and insane contradictions, but as me, Matt Damon, who isn’t really religious at all, I think it’s a crock, and that you guys are big jerks. You heard me—jerks. It took guts for me to open up and share all of my problems, and you never helped me at all. I still randomly scream “Monkeys!” by the way, thanks a lot for helping me out with that one, it’s only been two and a half years. My wife left me because of it, or at least that’s what she claims. It’s a pretty sweet deal for her. $100 million for writing and starring in that movie about janitors, the other one where…
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H. Seitz
August 12, 2019
Divine Advice
Bill Clinton, Bones, Charmed, Harvey Weinstein, House of Cards, Jeffrey Epstein, Jesus Christ, Karl Marx, Kevin Spacey, Lenin, Nine Lives, Satan, Supernatural, The Devil
Dear DA, You’d think that being universally reviled would be liberating—once everybody hates you anyway, why not say and do whatever you want? But it’s actually the opposite. I’ll probably be on eggshells for the rest of my life. I wanted to wait until a better time to write in, as I don’t want to seem any more self-centered than I already do, but there will never be a better time, just like it’ll always be too early to politicize mass shootings because by the time it isn’t, there’s been another one. Or two. We all know how it goes at this point. Mass shooting, thoughts and prayers, gun sale the next business day, and we all shrug our shoulders and forget about it until the next one. Correct me if I’m wrong, but none of these guys has any girlfriends or wives. They’re like sexually frustrated junior high kids…
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H. Seitz
July 29, 2019
Divine Advice
Chris Hardwick, George H. W. Bush, Harvey Weinstein, Ian McKellen, Jean-Luc Picard, Jesus Christ, Kevin Spacey, Magneto, Patrick Stewart, Professor X, Satan, Star Trek the Next Generation, Superman, The Devil, Wil Wheaton
Dear DA, A lot of people might be wondering why I came back, aside from the money and the fame and the mild dementia. The truth is, I’m not quite sure myself. But what I missed most of all, aside from my many space adventures, was fucking with the crew. I loved calling them in, especially Worf, and letting him have it. I’d scream at him “That is the most reprehensible behavior I have ever seen, and it will not be tolerated onboard the Enterprise! Dismissed!” Then when he was halfway out the door, I’d say “Worf, you are without a doubt one of the finest officers I have ever served with. In your place, I would have done the same.” He would pause, confused, then leave. The crew was on eggshells during my entire command. They had no idea whether they were coming or going, or what I approved…
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H. Seitz
October 1, 2018
Divine Advice
Colin Kaepernick, Harvey Weinstein, Jared Fogle, Jesus, Roger Ailes, sandwich artist, Satan, Subway, Violet Beauregarde
Why not #metoo? Not so long ago, homosexuality was considered to be a psychological disorder, and in ancient Greece, pedophilia was not only accepted, it was practically a rite of passage. And look at what’s considered to be acceptable now as compared to just 20 years ago. So who’s to say that the wheel of time won’t keep turning and eventually remove the terrible stigma attached to my orientation? For the record, I have never touched a kid. I know that by watching kiddieporn, I have indirectly supported terrorism and drug cartels, just like vegans and heroin addicts indirectly support antivaxers and Muslim insurgencies. We all indirectly support reprehensible things just by participating in society. I’m not looking for acceptance or forgiveness or even understanding, but I am looking for a way to help other people like me so they won’t have to suffer like I have. I can’t help…
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H. Seitz
August 27, 2018
Divine Advice
Aziz Ansari, capoeira, Donald Trump, Dustin Hoffman, George H. W. Bush, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus Christ, Keanu Reeves, Lazarus, Marvel, Meet The Fockers, Morgan Freeman, Old Testament, Robert De Niro, Satan, The Devil, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, You may remember the multiple allegations of sexual misconduct against me. Then again, if you’re like almost everyone else, maybe you don’t. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I’m was barely 5’6” in my prime and I’m 81 years old now. It’s like that other guy, the old swartza, the guy with the voice? Whathisface? He was in a prison movie and he played god? Morgan Freeman! He’s old now, too. So that’s a big part of it. Of course I’m going to deny everything because I have absolutely no memory of any of it and I’ll be dead soon anyway. What are they gonna do to me? Castrate me? That thing hasn’t worked properly in 20 years anyway. I can barely even piss anymore. They’d be doing me a favor. The other reason is because I’m so old. I got accused of…
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H. Seitz
April 9, 2018
Divine Advice
Chris Pratt, Ghost, Harvey Weinstein, Jason Patrick, Jesus, Kevin Spacey, Louis C. K., Parks and Recreations, Patrick Swayze, Rob Lowe, Satan, Speed II, St. Elmo's Fire, Star-Lord, The Karate Kid, Youngblood
Dear DA, As a highly woke individual who looks like he’s carved out of soap AND rich AND famous, I’m writing in to apologize on behalf of the Weinsteins, Spaceys, and Louis C.K.s of the world. I had a bit of a scandal in the 80s when I had sex with two underaged girls and videotaped it, but there’s a big difference between what I did and what the Weinstein types did. In my case, I’m handsome, so people have sex with me because they want to have sex with me, whereas with Harvey and the others, people have sex with them because they want to be in a movie or are accosted by a drunk or have a comedy dream or whatever. Obviously, I’m better than them, but I don’t think you should be too hard on them. When you’re fat, old, drunk, and ugly, it’s almost impossible to…
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H. Seitz
January 29, 2018
Divine Advice
Harvey Weinstein, Jesus, Kevin Spacey, Louie, Louis C. K., Pamela Adlon, Satan
Dear Jesus and Satan, What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? Let me try to wrap my head around this. I asked women if I could jerk off in front of them. If they said no, I didn’t. If they said yes, I did. So what the fuck did I do wrong? Sure, it’s a creepy question. I’m a creepy guy and I’m into creepy shit. So I ask people if they’re up to it. Does a woman’s word mean nothing? Seriously, do women have no agency or accountability? The argument is that I’m rich and privileged, so they felt forced. Would they have felt any better if I was a homeless guy? Seriously, what the fuck? I am not responsible for what other people feel. I don’t have a lot of control over that. What if I had asked her to watch my dog? That one woman says I…
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RK Galaga
October 30, 2017
Divine Advice
Alan Thicke, autoerotic asphyxiation, Candace Cameron Bure, Chelsea Noble, crocoduck, Doogie Howser, Evangelical, Fuller House, George Takei, Growing Pains, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus, Kirk Cameron, Lindsay Lohan, Lucifer, Neil Patrick Harris, Ray Comfort, Valerie Bure, Woody Allen
Dear Jesus and The Devil, First of all, I want to start by saying I’m a huge fan—both of your column and how you run the universe. For the most part, at least. The thing is, in last week’s Divine Advice column, there was a contradiction with something you had said the week before. In your advice to Lindsay Lohan, Satan mentioned Harvey Weinstein would meet his end by suffering a heart attack after a night of binging on hot dogs, hookers, and heroin. But then in your advice to Woody Allen, Jesus said Harvey was going to die via a painful dick rash. Which is it, guys? Also, I don’t want to tell you how to do your jobs, but it seems you’ve been pretty soft on the gays recently. Isn’t it high time something awful happened to either George Takei or Neil Patrick Harris? Those guys are really…
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