Dear Jesus and The Devil,
First of all, I want to start by saying I’m a huge fan—both of your column and how you run the universe. For the most part, at least. The thing is, in last week’s Divine Advice column, there was a contradiction with something you had said the week before. In your advice to Lindsay Lohan, Satan mentioned Harvey Weinstein would meet his end by suffering a heart attack after a night of binging on hot dogs, hookers, and heroin. But then in your advice to Woody Allen, Jesus said Harvey was going to die via a painful dick rash. Which is it, guys? Also, I don’t want to tell you how to do your jobs, but it seems you’ve been pretty soft on the gays recently. Isn’t it high time something awful happened to either George Takei or Neil Patrick Harris? Those guys are really popular, and I’m afraid they’re giving today’s youth the idea that being gay is natural and acceptable. Can’t you step in and give at least one of them aids? George Takei is already 80, so it’s not like he has a lot of time left anyway. Just a suggestion.
Dear Kirk Cameron,
I have a good mind to turn you into a crocoduck, you evolution-denying bastard. Yeah, that’s right—I said “bastard.” I just went back in time to five minutes before you were born and annulled your parents’ wedding just to fuck with you. Look at you, acting all smug, thinking you caught a mistake God made. The only mistake I made recently was taking out the wrong Growing Pains cast member. Alan Thicke is doing fine up here, by the way, not like you give a shit. And don’t be so sure you’ll be joining him when you die. You tight-assed Evangelicals think you understand my message. You think you know whom I love and hate, and who deserves the blame for natural disasters. Well, guess what, asshole—it’s bigots like you that are about to get smote. I’m about to shrivel your dick down to the size of a grain of rice and fortify your wife Cheslea Noble’s vagina with rotten teeth and a cat tongue. As if your sex life wasn’t miserable enough already, right? Well, trust me, you deserve it. And then after you finally die from autoerotic asphyxiation (turns out that’s the leading cause of death among Evangelicals) you’ll be heading downstairs to hell where you’ll rot for eternity. There’s a silver lining for you, though. At least you won’t be anywhere near George Takei and Doogie Howser—They’ll be up here with me. Ohhhhh myyyyyyy….
—Jesus the Angry
Dear Kirk Cameron,
Can I just say your sister’s kind of hot? Maybe you don’t want to hear this, but she and I fuck all the time. And I mean all the goddam time! I just came from her place right now, in fact. I blew a big ole’ load right between her eyes while her husband Valerie Bure watched and jerked off. He’s a very happy cuck, actually. To tell you the truth I think it’s actually me he’s focusing on, and I think Candy knows it. She’s OK with it. In public, she’s a religious nutter like you, but when her clothes come off, all that uptightness seeps out of every orifice, making her open and ready for my cock. Have you ever noticed how nice her tits are? She usually dresses pretty conservatively, so it’s sometimes hard to tell. They aren’t huge or anything, but they’re perfect teardrop shapes. You can actually fuck them if your dick happens to be as big as mine is. Anyway, enjoy your autoerotic asphyxiation and I’ll see you soon.
—Lucifer Cameron Bure
P.S. Tell Ray Comfort I said fuck off.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.