Divine Advice For Dustin Hoffman

Dear DA,

You may remember the multiple allegations of sexual misconduct against me. Then again, if you’re like almost everyone else, maybe you don’t.

There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I’m was barely 5’6” in my prime and I’m 81 years old now. It’s like that other guy, the old swartza, the guy with the voice? Whathisface? He was in a prison movie and he played god? Morgan Freeman! He’s old now, too.

So that’s a big part of it. Of course I’m going to deny everything because I have absolutely no memory of any of it and I’ll be dead soon anyway. What are they gonna do to me? Castrate me? That thing hasn’t worked properly in 20 years anyway. I can barely even piss anymore. They’d be doing me a favor.

The other reason is because I’m so old. I got accused of something like grabbing a tit right before a picture was taken, then letting go at the last second. Or pulling a lady’s dress above her head and exposing her to the crew. This is more like old-timey practical joke stuff than sexual assault, and it goes both ways. Tom Cruise fondled me by “accident” multiple times when we were filming that picture, what the hell was it called? I was retarded or something and he was my brother and he kept groping my testicles. You know what I did? I laughed it off. What the hell do I care?

We’re not allowed to touch each other or joke about anything anymore. There’s a difference between pulling a lady’s dress above her head and forcing yourself on her, just like there’s a difference between pulling a guy’s shorts down in gym class and punching him in the face. Sure it’s humiliating or embarrassing, but that’s life and you learn to laugh it off. Or if you just can’t stand it, you throw a fit or clobber the person right then and there.

The saddest thing about all of this is all of the people who remember these minor slights. They never let go, so they’re never really living in the moment. One day they’ll be 81 with tubes jammed into their peckers or vaginas and they’ll really have something to regret.

The last reason is because I’m so old. People look at me and Morgan Freeman and recognize we’re relics from another time. Or if we groped someone recently, that it’s probably because we’re too old and demented to know what we’re doing anymore. This is supposed to be one of the perks of being an old man. You can say or do just about anything and get away with it. It’s like a second childhood. You can shoplift and say old-timey racist things and flirt shamelessly with 14-year-old girls and everyone just laughs it off. Or at least they used to. Or at least they should.

97X–Bam! The Future of Rock n’ Roll,
Dustin Hoffman

Dear Dustin Hoffman,

Um… you didn’t ask a question. Or even hint at one. You just repeatedly told me you were old, which I already knew. Which everybody already knows. My guess is you have no idea why you wrote in, and probably don’t remember doing it. But on the off chance you come back to this column to read your “answers,” I’ll address the issues you brought up.

You want to talk about the changing of the times and the reevaluation of past behaviors with new standards after cultural shifts, just look at The Old Testament. In the OT, not only was rape OK, it was the expected practice in certain situations. Women weren’t just objects, they were property. All women. If anything, prostitutes were the freest because they didn’t belong to one specific man. Now, imagine you’re Lazarus and you’re living in those nasty B.C. times and you’re following the rules of the day and you’re forcing yourself on women because it’s considered rude not to. Before you know it, 2,000 years pass and suddenly you’re a monster for telling a woman you like her cans. Maybe you’re thinking Lazarus isn’t the best example because his long life was meant to be a punishment, and the Twitter hate he’s now receiving is a part of that. But that’s my point. You, Morgan Freeman, Harvey Weinstein, George H. W. Bush—your long lives are punishment for greed, arrogance, pride and a bunch of other sins I can’t think of at the moment. You’ve all been pricks your whole lives. And now, after being loved and admired by the public throughout your glory years, you get to experience humiliation and a dramatic fall from grace. Of course, your punishment won’t stop there, but I won’t get into what happens after you die. That’s the other guy’s job.

My point is, you should have predicted how the culture was going to change and lived your life accordingly. Women don’t hate being assaulted now any more than they did back when you thought it was acceptable. Or maybe they do, but if a secretary at some ad agency in the 50’s was happy about having her ass grabbed it was only because society told her she had no value if nobody wanted to grab her ass.

One day, the Me Too movement is going to go after someone that the public just refuses to hate. I’m thinking, I don’t know, maybe someone like Keanu Reeves or one of those handsome Chris’s in those Marvel movies. There’s going to be a standoff and the movement will die. Guys like Morgan Freeman and Aziz Ansari have already slowed it down a bit (sorry to say, you’re in the category of celebrities the public was looking for an excuse to hate). But even if people go back to thinking a pat on the tits or a lewd comment said “in jest” is OK, it still won’t actually be OK.

—Jesus Christ

Dear Dustin Hoffman,

I have to confess I’m not a big fan of your work. In fact the only thing I’ve seen you in was the trailer for Meet The Fockers. You were really good in it though—the way you mocked Brazilian culture by trying to do capoeira. I almost saw that movie, thinking I might get to see Robert De Niro punch your lights out in that scene, but I realized that’s probably not what happens. As crazy old men go, at least you’re not an anti-vaxxer like he is. Still, people love him and are luke-warm (at best) towards you. You could try saying “fuck Trump” the next time you’re in front of a microphone, but I’m not sure it’ll help.

Honestly, I’ve totally forgotten about whatever offense you supposedly committed. But I have my orders from the man upstairs and he says you’re getting the usual sentence for sexual misconduct: Your testicles will be branded, your dick will be flattened in a vice and your anus will be torn apart by my 12-inch barbed cock. Believe me, I’m not looking forward to it either.

—The Devil

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz
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