Tag Archive: Scientology
The Skull Island Times > Scientology
RK Galaga
August 2, 2021
Divine Advice
Battle Cat, Conan the Barbarian, Cringer, Eternia, Faker, Fakor, Fight Club, He-Man, Jesus, Lebron James, PETA, Prince Adam, Ram-Man, Satan, Scientology, She-Ra, Skeletor, Teela
Dear Divine Advice, I’m used to enjoying a certain level of respect. At restaurants, I get seated immediately even if I don’t have a reservation, I can park my Bashasaurus wherever I want and never get a ticket, and I don’t have to wait in line at Disneyland Eternia. I can vanquish Skeletor with my eyes closed, I can beat Lebron James at B-A-T-T-L-E-C-A-T with one hand tied behind my back, I can run a 45-minute marathon and a 6-second 100m, I have a 20-meter long jump, I can throw a 135 mph fastball, I have a 145 mph slap shot, and can kick a 101-yard field goal. In spite of all this, I’m incredibly depressed. In public, I like to project this image of a huge, super-confident bodybuilder who never wears a shirt, but deep down inside, I’m a slightly smaller bodybuilder who dresses like a 16th-century thespian. The fucked-up…
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H. Seitz
November 9, 2020
Divine Advice
Beck, Donald Trump, Jesus, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Rudy Giuliani, Rudy Guilliani, Satan, Scientology, the Joker, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, I still know Trump is going to win and everything is going to be fine. But just in case, what do you think about Scientology? I know you have to start at the bottom, by cleaning Tom Cruise’s cars and some other weird shit, but for a guy like me, there might not be a lot of other options left. From what they tell me, I sign over all my assets, which at this point, isn’t all that much. For Trump, as his lawyer, I think it’d be a massive win. He gets a new job cleaning hubcaps and they get his billions of dollars of debt. Still, as a tax-exempt “religion,” I think this could work out for all of us. Trump is practically a cult leader as it is. You put these two massive cults together and BAM! Trump 2024. Or Cruise-Trump 2024. I hear they…
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H. Seitz
February 10, 2020
Divine Advice
AOC, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Jesus, Liquid Plumber, Mitt Romney, Mormon, Prince, Satan, Scientology, The Squad, Tom Cruise, Tropic Thunder
Dear DA, Maybe you pulled some kind of double-reverse Pinnochio on me, but for the last week or so, I’ve been compelled to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and voting to impeach that knock-kneed babushka was just the beginning. Some people are suddenly under the impression that I’m a “good person,” and that’s just not true. This is hardly surprising to my “friends” and “family,” they’ve known for decades that I’m as rapacious and bloodthirsty as the terrifying bird who symbolizes this once great country. What disappoints them is that I’m just as wooden and dull as I’ve always appeared to be. There is no great intellect or perversion lurking within unless you count my sexual incontinence. I must be the only person in America who isn’t a pervert. I was about to write “man,” but my newfound honesty compels me to acknowledge that…
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H. Seitz
December 6, 2018
Lifestyles
Alfred E. Newman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Born on the Fourth of July, Bridget Nielsen, Burt Reynolds, Cocktail, Days of Thunder, Far and Away, Frankenstein, Interview With a Vampire, Jackie Chan, Jerry MaGuire, Johnny Depp, Katie Holmes, Quaker Oats, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Rochard Grieco, Rocky, Scientology, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Sylvester Stallone, The Outsiders, Tom Cruise, Tom Selleck, Top Gun, Tropic Thunder, Wilford Brimley
Hunks come and hunks go, and all too many try to stick around long after their 15 minutes are up and their pecs are down. But some, like Schwarzenegger and Stallone, manage to defy father time and mother nature just enough to keep filling up the theaters. Old, broken down, and in some cases, downright creepy (Stallone’s strange hairline and old man muscle in Rocky 6 made him look like a Frankenstein’s monster of tucks and toupees from the 80s), they still have that special something that separates them from the pack. So it isn’t just the oil and the muscles, and it’s more than just a steamy stare. The material certainly helps, but there’s more to it than just that, as the wrong stud could turn a classic into a joke. Could you imagine Raiders of the Lost Ark starring Tom Selleck? Or Rocky starring Burt Reynolds? There’s a…
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H. Seitz
August 13, 2018
Divine Advice
Ben Stiller, Chewbacca, Danny Elfman, Dawson's Creek, Ed Norton, James Van Der Beek, Jenna Elfman, Jesus, Joshua Jackson, Katie Holmes, Keeping the Faith, Michelle Williams, Mission Impossible, Nicole Kidman, Ronald Reagan, Satan, Scientologist, Scientology, Tom Cruise, Tom Gun: Maverick, Zenu
Dear DA, I am the biggest moviestar on earth. Not literally. That honor would have to go to whatever lesbian plays Chewbacca. I’m not a large man, but I am a large star. The biggest and brightest. Some people pick on me for being short or a Scientologist or having funny looking uncentered horse teeth. Do you know what I say to those people? I have hundreds of millions of dollars. I have my own airplanes and petting zoos. So do you know how much I value your opinion? I value your opinion exactly as much as you’d expect Tom fucking Cruise to value your opinion. That’s how much. As far as the Scientology, is it really that much weirder than Christianity or any other religion? If anything, it’s more plausible. And for the regular guy, I get it. Scientology wouldn’t work for you. But if you’re Tom Cruise, you…
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RK Galaga
July 24, 2017
Divine Advice
Blanche, Chicago Sun, Chicago Tribune, Ebert, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, God, Golden Girls, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Jesus, Lord Xenu, Losin' It, Lucifer, Mona, Motion Picture Association of America, MPAA, Sandy Duncan, Scientology, Shelley Long, Siskel, Spielberg, The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, Tom Cruise, Who's The Boss
Dear Jesus and Satan, It’s me again. I was the one who wrote you a few months back about Mona from Who’s the Boss and Blanche from the Golden Girls. To be honest, I don’t remember your advice, all I know is that I have been feveriously masterbating to the thought of both of them. Honestly, I’m proud of myself….Ive been doing a good job of alternating my fantasies between Mona and Blanche. I thought you’d be proud…I’m rambling. Anyways. I was reading the last entry regarding Tom Cruise, and I have a great idea. Remember when he starred in “Losin It” in 1983? With Shelley Long? Why did Hollywood go away with the loveable concept of young guys who just want to get some? What the Fuck happened? Those movies were all so good? Who’s to blame for this? Is it the Scientologists??? See what I did there? I’m…
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RK Galaga
July 17, 2017
Divine Advice
Battlefield Earth, Beck, Ernie Reyes Jr., Giovanni Ribisi, Heaven's Gate, Jason Lee, Jesus, John Travolta, Martin Luther, Oprah Winfrey, Satan, Scientology, The Mummy, Tom Cruise, Top Gun 2, Xenu
Dear Divine Advice, Ever since I jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch, the world thinks I’m crazy. Outwardly, I’ve been able to project an image of myself as ultra confident, but the fact is, the things people are saying are really starting to hurt my feelings. I’ve prayed to Xenu many times, and, to be honest, he doesn’t really have anything helpful to say. He keeps telling me to be patient, and everyone will love me again once Top Gun II comes out. But I can’t wait that long. So guys, what can I do? How can I win back the love of the nation? Sincerely, Tom Cruise Really? We’re doing another one about Scientology? Shit. Well, I guess when Tom Cruise writes in, we can’t exactly ignore him. Ok, here goes… Dear Tom Cruise, You’ve come to the right place. Xenu’s not a bad guy, but let’s be…
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