Tag Archive: Fight Club

Divine Advice For He-Man

Dear Divine Advice, I’m used to enjoying a certain level of respect. At restaurants, I get seated immediately even if I don’t have a reservation, I can park my Bashasaurus wherever I want and never get a ticket, and I don’t have to wait in line at Disneyland Eternia. I can vanquish Skeletor with my eyes closed, I can beat Lebron James at B-A-T-T-L-E-C-A-T with one hand tied behind my back, I can run a 45-minute marathon and a 6-second 100m, I have a 20-meter long jump, I can throw a 135 mph fastball, I have a 145 mph slap shot, and can kick a 101-yard field goal. In spite of all this, I’m incredibly depressed. In public, I like to project this image of a huge, super-confident bodybuilder who never wears a shirt, but deep down inside, I’m a slightly smaller bodybuilder who dresses like a 16th-century thespian. The fucked-up…
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Horoscopes for 3.1.19

Just in case any of you might have forgotten: This isn’t just another one of those “horoscopes” that spews out vague platitudes that could apply to anyone. No no no. When you’re reading and start to think “gee whiz, this really seems to be about me,” that’s because it is. The stars know. I know. Your horoscope seems like it’s about all of those intimate details you shared with me in confidence because it is. You can’t have it both ways. You can either get cryptic gibberish, or a real, straight from the tea leaves/horse’s mouth/duck’s intestines horoscope. A lot of horses and ducks had to die for these horoscopes. Now that I think about it, the horses didn’t actually have to be killed, but rest assured, they’re all dead.   We are very special apes. We’re the apes that laugh and cry, like chimps, baboons (technically monkeys), and gorillas.…
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Divine Advice For Brad Pitt

Dear Jesus and Satan, A few years ago I made a deal with Satan. In exchange for my soul, he agreed to make a double of myself. The idea was that my double would go to work for me, clean my toilet, do my laundry, etc. But my double is maybe even worse than I am, he got fired from my job, he got us dumped by my girlfriend, all he does is drink and smoke, he’s sitting on my couch right now drinking beer, it’s 9 AM. I try to reason with him, but he knows exactly what I’m going to say, he knows all my darkest secrets, he’s basically me. It is unbearable, I already hated myself and now, constantly having to deal with myself, I completely get it, why everyone is so fed up with me, or us. We drink and smoke together, and fight constantly. He doesn’t…
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