Tag Archive: Satan
The Skull Island Times > Satan
RK Galaga
June 7, 2021
Divine Advice
A-Rod, Alexander Rodriguez, Andrew Cuomo, Angelina Jolie, Anthony Fauci, Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt, Chelsea Handler, COVID, Donald Trump, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, J-Lo, Jack the Ripper, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, Josef Mengele, qanon, Rand Paul, Satan, Steve Buscemi
Dear Jesus and Satan, The other day, I stumbled upon some Anthony Fauci/Andrew Cuomo erotic fan fiction that Chelsea Handler wrote back in April 2020, and it brought a tear to my eye. Those were simpler times, when the public accepted every word that came out of my mouth as gospel, and anyone who expressed any doubt was lumped in with the QAnon conspiracy nuts. It was a great time to be Anthony Fauci, let me tell you. Did I get to fuck Chelsea Handler? No—I’m no Andrew Cuomo—but I did have Brad Pitt play me on Saturday Night Live, which meant I could have fucked Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie if I had wanted to. I declined, for obvious reasons (they’re both old and Botox-y). In hindsight, I wish they had cast Ben Affleck instead because then I would have had access to J-Lo’s luscious booty. Who knew she…
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H. Seitz
June 1, 2021
Divine Advice
Batman, Jesus, Jor-El, Justice League, Kal-El, Krypton, Kryptonite, Lana Lang, Lara, Lex Luthor, Lois Lane, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Phantom Zone, Satan, Superman
Dear DA, I went into a bookstore a few days ago–I know, I know, I can’t believe any of them exist anymore, either. Anyway, I went in, and I noticed that you guys are in the religion section, while Thor, Zeus, and some of my other pals are in mythology, or fantasy. And I wasn’t even really in the store. There were non-fiction books about me, but no tales of my heroic deeds, which I can live with, but feel is a bit unfair. You guys send locusts and plagues and destroy entire cities for sodomy, while I’ve saved the world more times than I can count, and you can’t find me unless you go into a comic book store. In any case, none of this really bothers me. As Superman, I’m above that kind of pettiness, but it did begin to make me worry. I know you’re planning on…
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RK Galaga
May 24, 2021
Divine Advice
AATIP, Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program, Barack Obama, Caitlyn Jenner, Donald Trump, E.T., Jesus, Lue Elizondo, Luis Elizondo, Picasso, Satan, Tucker Carlson, Zeta Reticuli
Dear Divine Advice, Thanks to a wacky provision some QAnon-friendly Republicans on the Senate Intelligence Committee snuck into the COVID relief bill, the Pentagon now has to declassify all of their UFO documents on June 1st. That means us UFO nuts have just a few more days to cash in on this before the report reveals what we already know: that it’s all just camera artifacts, Russian drones, and NAVY pilots looking to get discharged by sounding crazy. So far, I’ve appeared on 1,247 podcasts, but because of COVID, there haven’t been any UFO cons to speak at. Obviously, I’m writing a book, but there’s no way I’m going to be able to publish it before June 1st. Sure, the hardcore nutters will still buy it after that, but I won’t get the promotional bump from the mainstream media, which will surely stop its coverage once the report comes out.…
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H. Seitz
May 10, 2021
Divine Advice
Apple, Bill Gate, Clippy, Deadpool, Jeff Bezos, Jesus, Karan Soni, Melinda Gates, Microsoft, Satan, Steve Jobs, Windows Vista
Dear DA, I just paid 60 billion to divorce a woman I had an open marriage with. While that might seem ridiculous to most, you have no idea how much we annoyed each other. She hated my geeky little laugh, and I could tell she hated it. Sometimes, after sex, she would just stare at me with glaring disdain. For her part, she never ran out of ways to be a “philanthropist” with my money. I was like Melinda, honey, could you just turn it off for one minute, and she slapped me for being so insensitive to the oppression of others. I would have slapped her back, or had one of my goons do it, since I’m not 100% sure I could take her, but times have changed. These same goons who helped me amass my billions in the 90s are now considered to be “problematic.” My advice for…
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H. Seitz
April 26, 2021
Divine Advice
Birth of a Nation, COVID, Derek Chauvin, George Floyd, Jesus, Mission Impossible, Satan, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, I really screwed up, and most of it isn’t even because I’m a blatant racist. You know how if you have a job for long enough, you kind of start to blow it off? It’s like every year, I have to watch a sensitivity training video again? Or get my eyes checked so I can be recertified to use a firearm? And this bullshit never ends. I stopped doing all of that crap years ago, and it kind of bled over into my work on the streets. You hear enough people begging for mercy or to be treated like human beings, and you just kind of grow numb to it. The pressure was also starting to get to me. A regular arrest, like what was caught on film, I practically sleep through. You know what kind of calls I get? People used to complain to me about stray…
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RK Galaga
April 5, 2021
Divine Advice
David McGee, DOnald Gaetz, Donald Trump, Jesus Christ, Matt Gaetz, Satan, Victoria Gaetz
Dear Divine Advice, I tell ya, these days, people really love throwing around the phrase “sex trafficking.” Sure, I like to load my underage prostitutes onto a plane and fly them out of the state, but that’s just so I don’t get caught with them when the feds raid my cabin. Now this David McGee character is trying to extort $25,000 from me, and even Donald Trump is letting me twist in the wind. The whole reason I became a Republican in the first place is so sex scandals wouldn’t matter. I know it’s Easter, and you’re busy coming back from the dead and all that, but if you have a spare moment, I could really use your help with this. Thanks in advance, Matt Gaetz, U.S. representative for Florida’s 1st congressional district Dear Matt, If I had a little more notice, I would have let you be the criminal…
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H. Seitz
March 29, 2021
Divine Advice
Brian Kemp, candiru, Donald Trump, Governor of Georgia, Hamilton, Indianapolis 500, Indy 500, Jesus, Michael Phelps, Mike Trout, NASCAR, Satan, saw, sawshark, shark, Talladega Nights, Tiger Woods
Dear DA, I can’t be 100% honest with the lamestream media, but I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t want Black people, Mexicans, or Asians voting, citizens or not. This country has been going downhill ever since the 19th Amendment. We gave women the right to vote and BAM! Ten years later, the Great Depression, then WW2. We let these “people of color” vote, we’re just asking for WW3, and the economy is already tanking. Now I appreciate ladies and Blacks just as much as anyone, but there’s a time and place for everything. For women, that’s barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, and for Black people, it’s on the basketball court, the football field, the baseball diamond, stand up comedy, boxing, running, and really just about everything, but not voting. For rich Black men who are Republicans and own land, we should officially just declare…
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H. Seitz
March 8, 2021
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Etch-A-Sketch, G.I. Joe, Jesus Christ, Karl Marx, NASCAR, Pornhub, Satan
Dear DA, Why did you create me? Did you set everything in motion with the big bang, and then just sit back as everything unfolded, or are you actively involved in everything? Assuming you did actively create me, I think you might have made a terrible mistake. I’m just going to keep mutating and getting worse forever. There are already at least 14 different new strains of me, but I guess calling me COVID-33 now would be just too depressing, and we’ll get there soon enough anyway. I understand that there are just too many damn people, but you’ve basically turned the entire world into purgatory. The guy I’m infecting now, the poor bastard hasn’t really left his apartment in a year. He hasn’t kissed a girl in at least a year (but I’m guessing it’s probably been much longer–not everything is my fault). He just mopes around all day,…
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RK Galaga
March 1, 2021
Divine Advice
CPAC, CPAP, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Full House, Fuller House, Halloween, Jesus, Kim Jong-un, Kim Kardashian, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Kimmy Gibber, Lion-O, Michael Myers, Sarah Palin, Satan, Sword of Omen, Thundercats, Turning Point USA Convention
Dear Divine Advice, I just gave a brilliant speech at CPAC but the only thing people are talking about is that sexy dance I did back in December at the Turning Point USA Convention. If nobody is going to take me seriously anyway, should I just become a stripper? Sure, my face looks like the Michael Myers mask from Halloween, but I do have a delicious booty. At least Don Jr. thinks so. Yours Truly, Kimberly Guilfoyle P.S. THE BEST. IS YET. TO COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P.P.S. Sorry. That was just the cocaine kicking in. Dear Kim, After Kimmy Gibbler on Fuller House, you’re the second most annoying Kim in the world. That’s quite an accomplishment, considering there are still Kim Kardashian and Kim Jong-Un to contend with. For a second, I was wondering what sexy dancing had to do with those machines people strap to their faces when they have sleep…
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H. Seitz
February 22, 2021
Divine Advice
Donald Trump, Fox News, Hillary Clinton, Jesus, Michael J. Fox, Pokemon, Rush Limbaugh, Satan
Dear DA, I get the feeling that I’m dead, and that I’m probably in hell. There are Black people everywhere, and lesbians and they’re all such feminazis. Basically, the lesbians refuse to let me grope them. Also, no Fox News. Wtf? For supposedly old Testament types, you guys really are a bunch of liberal snowflakes. And on my desk every morning, there are reams of “research” about Anthropogenic Climate Change. It can’t possibly be true, but you guys are starting to brainwash me. If this “research” were real, there would be no way that any sane person could possibly deny it. Or is it just that no one is reading it? I know I didn’t. You have to admit, the shit is pretty boring. It lacks the visceral and emotional punch of Fox News. If I’m not enraged, it means someone isn’t doing their job. Also, didn’t I trade my…
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