Divine Advice For Kimberly Guilfoyle

Dear Divine Advice,

I just gave a brilliant speech at CPAC but the only thing people are talking about is that sexy dance I did back in December at the Turning Point USA Convention. If nobody is going to take me seriously anyway, should I just become a stripper? Sure, my face looks like the Michael Myers mask from Halloween, but I do have a delicious booty. At least Don Jr. thinks so.

Yours Truly,
Kimberly Guilfoyle

P.S. THE BEST. IS YET. TO COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.P.S. Sorry. That was just the cocaine kicking in.


Dear Kim,

After Kimmy Gibbler on Fuller House, you’re the second most annoying Kim in the world. That’s quite an accomplishment, considering there are still Kim Kardashian and Kim Jong-Un to contend with.

For a second, I was wondering what sexy dancing had to do with those machines people strap to their faces when they have sleep apnea, but then I realized you said “CPAC”, not “CPAP.” You’ll have to forgive me; I haven’t been following politics recently. Now that Trump is gone, I just don’t see the point.

Normally, I don’t advise 50-year-old plastic surgery junkies to become strippers, but in your case, I’m not sure what choice you have. It’s really the only way for people who behave as you do in public to avoid getting locked up for sexual harassment. It’s ok to shake your tits in your assistant’s face if she’s in a strip club, and you’re swinging around on the pole. If she’s not expecting a lap dance in that situation, then that’s on her. Don’t worry; you can still give political speeches. It’s just that people will be stuffing Washingtons into your G-string while you do it. And you’d be in good company, too, because that is how Sarah Palin got her start. Obviously, you’re no Sarah Palin, but we have to work with what we got.

—Jesus Christ


Dear Kim,

What you may not realize about Don Jr. is that his obsession with big game hunting actually stems from a twisted bestiality fetish. The truth is, he’d rather be fucking those animals, and he kills them only out of frustration. Does he fuck their corpses? You bet! But that doesn’t scratch the itch. The good news is, I’ve been offering him what I think is a healthier outlet for his twisted lust—at least one that doesn’t involve the slaughter of God’s majestic creatures.

For years now, I have been taking the form of Lion-O from ThunderCats and sodomizing him with the hilt of the Sword of Omens. Sometimes I also jerk him off with my claws, but he usually cums just from the butt penetration. I’m telling you this because you needed to know that he’s not into humans, and he’ll never think your dancing is sexy. It’s obvious you were only shaking it like that to get his attention, and now that you know it’s not working, you can stop. Please. The entire world wants you to stop. Don’t get a job as a stripper. Don’t get on TikTok. Don’t even take Zumba classes. You say you want to make America great again, and the best way for you to do that is to keep that ass still. Have you ever heard the phrase “dance like you think nobody’s watching?” Well, you need to do the exact opposite of that.

—Satan

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

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