Tag Archive: Matt Damon
The Skull Island Times > Matt Damon
Ryan Klemek
May 15, 2022
Divine Advice
Amber Heard, Ben Affleck, Boondock Saints, Good Will Hunting, Gus Van Sant, J-Lo, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, Minnie Driver, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robin Williams, Satan, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Trivia Pursuit
Dear Divine Advice, Why does Ben get nicknames and I don’t? I have a nickname for him, Ben Affleck the Big Dumb Que– Wait a second, I wasn’t about to say what you think, I was going to say Que– Dammit, “Queen’ kind of means the same thing. Where the hell is my Harvard vocabulary when I need it? Anyway, to move on to less potentially “cancel worthy” topics, how is it that 14-year-old Catholic schoolgirls know more about satisfying a woman than I do? At least no one is slamming me for putting my foot in my mouth, and frankly, I’m grateful that I, Matt Damon, one of the most/least versatile actors of all time, is kind of irrelevant now and therefore becoming “hip” again. The world has much bigger problems to worry about than what Matt Damon says, like that Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial. I let Ben…
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H. Seitz
February 18, 2022
Divine Advice
Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting, Ike Barinholtz, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Jeremy Renner, Jesse Plemons, Jesus, Joe Rogan, Katy Perry, Kirsten Dunst, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Robert Pattinson, Satan, Talented Mr. Ripley, The Martian, Zooey Deschanel
Dear Divine Advice, Who the hell is this Jesse Plemons character? He keeps stealing roles from me, and even worse, people are mistaking him for me! I mean look at the guy, all bloated with his potato-shaped head, puffy cheeks, and disgusting beer gut. I do all of my own stunts (well, some of them) and that guy couldn’t jump over a fire hydrant. I just did a google search of the guy and my name and picture come up with his–people think we look alike. This is the worst day of my life. Katy Perry and Zooey whatsherface, I can see the resemblance. Except for the knockers, they’re basically the same person, and all hot women look the same to me because I’m progressive. I don’t see color or gender, only hotness. I’m so progressive I support fucking mannequins, because it’s more environmentally friendly than building sex robots. You…
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H. Seitz
January 15, 2022
Divine Advice
Austin Powers, Ben Affleck, Bourne Identity, Good Will Hunting, J-Lo, Jason Bourne, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, Jimmy Kimmel, Matt Damon, Mini Me, Sarah SIlverman, Satan, Ted Knight, Verne Troyer
Dear DA, I stepped on a newspaper some slob left on the sidewalk, whatever it was, it smelled like dogshit, and it made my dog Carlos bolt. I tried to chase him, but I slipped on the newspaper and ended up covered in dogshit. As I’m cleaning myself off, I see my ex with J-Lo and they both see me and I just want to die. I know I’m no J-Lo, but I try to keep it high and tight. Why do you think I did all those Bourne movies? Anyway, as any normal guy would do, I started hanging around the park. I wanted to catch that irresponsible asshole who let his dog dump all over the sidewalk. So I’m standing by the playground, and it’s like a pedophile in reverse. This kid starts staggering up to me, she looks just like me, same potato head and dead eyes,…
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H. Seitz
October 4, 2021
Divine Advice
Amanda Knox, Casey Anthony, Matt Damon, O.J. SImpson, Pretty Woman, Stillwater
Dear DA, There’s still a lot of controversy between who’s hotter, me or Casey Anthony? Without makeup, I win hands-down, and Casey Anthony has a strange giant forehead and lives in Florida, so that should automatically disqualify her from hotness, voting, or playing chess by default. The sun down there is murder on your skin, so she probably looks even worse than she used to. Like everyone else in their right mind, I think Casey did it. She looks nuts, with her wandering eyes and bulging cranium. I look colder and more calculating, but I’m also the kind of girl you’d take home to your parents. I speak properly, don’t dress like a tramp (cough-Casey Anthony-cough), and I’ve kept it high and tight, which is why I got a Netflix special. Meanwhile, Casey is out pretending to be a PI and probably searching for the “real killer” OJ style. How…
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H. Seitz
August 9, 2021
Divine Advice
A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez, Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Harvey Weinstein, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, Laura Bush, Lebron James, Matt Damon, Michael Jordan, Satan, Space Jam
Dear DA, Well, I’ve stepped in it again. A guy from Boston admits he says the “F” word, what a shocker! I admitted my daughter taught me it’s wrong (I still don’t quite buy her argument) and I’ve agreed not to say fa-the “F” word anymore. See? I’ve learned and grown, and people are still shitting on me. Thank God (or I guess You) I didn’t admit to all the other awful slurs I say on a daily basis. My main excuse is that I’m from Boston and I’m getting old. You say horrible shit for the better part of 50 years, it’s hard to change. Have you been to NY? I hear the n-word 10 times a day, people there say it casually, but none of them are Matt Damon, so they don’t get crucified online. There are other famous people out there who have literally killed people, where’s…
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RK Galaga
June 28, 2021
Divine Advice
Blood Sport, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, F9: The Fast Saga, Gerard Depardieu, Gorbachev, Hulk Hogan, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jesus, John Cena, Marky Mark, Matt Damon, McDonald's, Mr. Nanny, Rocky, Ronald Reagan, Satan, Suburban Commando, Sylvester Stallone, The Fast and the Furious, The Great Wall, The Rock, Uncle Sam, Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me
Dear God’s advice, First of all, please forgive my bad grammar, but this letter was translated from traditional Chinese using Google Translate. Anyway, solve my problem… When promoting my upcoming blockbuster F9: Fast Saga recently, I mistakenly referred to Taiwan as a country. I immediately realized that I had offended our Chinese overlord and publicly apologized in Mandarin and kissed their ass. Kneeling seemed to work. I was not knocked down by lightning, and my career was temporarily saved. The problem is that from that day on, I cannot speak or write in English. I don’t know if I was cursed by a certain Taiwanese wizard or by the ghost of Uncle Sam or Ronald Reagan. Anyway, I was humiliated in front of American friends, and the Chinese people did not respect me. One day, Chinese will become the only language in the world, but before that, I need to…
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H. Seitz
September 16, 2019
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Batman, Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus Christ, Judas, Kevin Spacey, Kraken, Matt Damon, Poseidon, Satan, Wayne's World
Dear DA, I notice you chastising people for not asking questions, while at the same time you never bother to answer any of the questions anymore anyway. As a Catholic, I completely understand religion being full of hypocrisy and insane contradictions, but as me, Matt Damon, who isn’t really religious at all, I think it’s a crock, and that you guys are big jerks. You heard me—jerks. It took guts for me to open up and share all of my problems, and you never helped me at all. I still randomly scream “Monkeys!” by the way, thanks a lot for helping me out with that one, it’s only been two and a half years. My wife left me because of it, or at least that’s what she claims. It’s a pretty sweet deal for her. $100 million for writing and starring in that movie about janitors, the other one where…
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H. Seitz
December 24, 2018
Divine Advice
Ben Affleck, Ferrari Testarossa, Jesus Christ, Matt Damon, Satan
Dear DA, What a year, am I right? I hosted Saturday Night Live, I fit an entire pear in my mouth, and I think I managed to undo some of the damage I caused by suggesting there’s a difference between eye-rape, grope-rape, and rape-rape. As a 100% CIS white heteronormative male, I should just shut the hell up and hide myself under a shawl like an arab lady. When Ben Affleck and I are out in public together, I cover myself in a shawl, walk three feet behind him, and keep my eyes to the floor. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve learned my lesson. And Mary Poppins–have you seen the new Mary Poppins? She’s freakin hot now. I had a dream about her last night, she was beating me with her umbrella and cramming pears down my throat. It was the most powerful orgasm I’ve ever had.…
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H. Seitz
December 7, 2018
Horoscopes
Ariana Grande, Aries, Barack Obama, Beyonce, Cancer, Capricorn, Charles Manson, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Ed Gein, Elvis Presley, Gemini, Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica ALba, John Wayne Gacy, Kayne West, Leo, Libra, Matt Damon, Meryl Streep, Muhammad Ali, Neve Campbell, Pancreatic, Pol Pot, Rosa Parks, Sagittarius, Saoirse Ronan, Scorpio, Shakira, Taurus, Taylor Swift, Ted Bundy, Virgo
Aries: “The truth will set you free” is just an expression. It doesn’t actually work in court. Famous Aries: Saoirse Ronan, Hitler, David Letterman Taurus: No matter how hard you work and successful you are, we all die disappointed and alone. Remember that before starting your next big project. Famous Taurus: Pol Pot, Jessica Alba Gemini: Every year you decide you’re finally going to change, and every year you’re wrong. Congratulations on finally giving up. Famous Geminis: Jeffrey Dahmer, Kanye West, Donald Trump Cancer: There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: people have had enough of your nonsense and you should really just shut up and disappear for awhile. But on the brightside, this was a lot easier to say than I thought it’d be. Famous Cancers: Ariana Grande, Meryl Streep, Pancreatic Leo: After a lifetime of generosity and loyalty, you can’t…
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H. Seitz
June 27, 2018
Movies and Television
Fonzie, Happy Days, Jackie Chan, Katie Holmes, Lena Dunham, Matt Damon, Mr. Cunningham, Mrs. Cunningham, Rosie O'Donnell, The Fonze, Todd Bridges
Happy Days: The Awakening Rated TV-MA For the love of God, another reboot. But let’s put that aside for a moment. I consider myself to be a “woke” individual. I’m an alcoholic who shoots speedballs and frequently cries in front of prostitutes and I refuse to judge myself (or let anyone judge me) for any of it. But Lena Dunham’s Happy Days is beyond temporally biased. It isn’t even insane as much as it’s totally incoherent. The Fonze is played by Rosie O’Donnell. And that’s about the only thing I’m sure about. As far as who anyone else is supposed to be, it’s anyone’s guess. Maybe it’s my unacknowledged biases coming through, but I’d assumed that Jackie Chan was playing Arnold. But apparently, he’s supposed to be Potsie? Or maybe Mrs. Cunningham? One minute he’s talking to Todd Bridges about picking up chicks, the next he’s wearing an apron and…
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